Ramblings of a Domestic Goddess

Halloween

2009-12-03T19:16:00.008-06:00

Well I am so, so far behind in posting!! We have had an interesting last couple of months, really that is what I always say! LOL My pictures are all out of order but I wanted to show off my kiddos anyway!! We had a fun Halloween and my children actually trick or treated (yes I believe that is a word LOL) for the 1st time!! They had so much fun! I realized that after I bought CJ's costume that he looked less like an indian and more like the guy from the Village People!! LOL I wanted to bring a radio and play "Macho Man" whenever he entered a room but Jon was adimately against it so, I lost! LOL We had such a fun time! Our pumpkin patch time and carving was late this year because my Grandfather passed away and we had to make several trips back to Oklahoma! We had fun and the kids just loved the pumpkin carving!!! I hope to post pics from Drew's birthday and Thanksgiving and other random things soon ( like my crazy Black Friday shopping experience!! LOL) Hopefully in the next couple of days!! I hope you enjoy the pics of my pirate, hippie, and indian!!

My money is on Batgirl.....

Asleep before we got there!! LOL

Jon and I made the joke... If you can carry it you can have it... Our kids are strong! LOL No, it was really a lot of fun and such a fun family day!!

3.....

2009-11-08T19:21:00.003-06:00

3rd Birthdays in Heaven are the best!! We miss you, we love you, and there is always one chair empty at our dinner table for you!! We are still so proud of you!! Happy 3rd Birthday Savannah Brooke!! We continue to be Blessed and Happy, let God know how grateful we are to Him.

Love ya, Mom

Sneek Peek... LOL

2009-11-01T00:08:00.001-05:00

Will post about our Family Halloween time soon!!

Waco Livin...

2009-09-01T08:18:00.004-05:00

This is how we shower in Waco! LOL No, not really the kids were playing in the water and he was just cracking me us sitting in that wagon like a bathtub! The kids had a great time that day!

I got my haircut since I was back to putting it in a bun everyday!! LOL New hair color to come soon!! I have an AMAZING tan right now -we have spent our summer days by pools all summer and because I don't think it rains is Waco! I think it gets cloudy and right before it rains God says PLAYIN!! LOL Please pray for our house to sell-we are ready to make Waco our home!!

We Started School in Waco...

2009-08-24T22:54:00.004-05:00

They are so wonderful!! This was the "We like our new school" Dairy Queen celebration!!

I am done takin pics Mom

CJ-at his building.

Drew the mighty 2nd grader!

Sweet lady

Standing at the sign!!

Well in June we packed up and we moved to Waco, Texas!! Jon had been here since February and it was well worth it to finally all get to our new home!! We haven't sold our house in Oklahoma (BOO) yet but it will happen! In mid July we were in a pretty bad car accident on the way home on I-35 and I will never get frustrated at the people on the side of the road for causing rubber neckers ever again!! It was however the first time I realized how far we were from family!! I called my Mom right after the accident and she said we will come and get you!!! I politely yelled YOU ARE 6 HOURS AWAY!!! LOL It was a really scary moment. We totaled the car in front of us and we were pretty close to having ours totaled also! No one was hurt thank God, and Drew cried and said " I loved this car" and I began to cry and said So does Mommy! I believe we were truly protected. God is really good. Alright! The kids started school today and my youngest (here on earth) started Kindergarten. What a wonderful gift of life he is!! CJ is so brave, Drew so strong, and Madison so graceful. I love em. We are excited to see what the school year brings!!

You are my Sun, You are my life, You are My Hopes and Dream, Everything is Right...

2009-03-09T21:29:00.004-05:00

When the world falls apart, and you fear for your heart, there's a tower of peace, it's still the cross. Wow- This song came out a couple of years ago by a group called Far From Home- or better known as FFH. Something just jumps out at me everytime I hear that song. Maybe because I have had several earthshaking moments like that over the last couple of years. Where I felt my world was crashing in around me, and absolutely no where to go but down on my knees. Then, I am guilty, yes I felt guilty because I would think why now? Why choose Him now? Over and over God reveals Himself to me, and still I question His love for me. At this moment I am going through one of the most difficult things I have ever been through apart from losing Savannah, and let me tell you there have been nights on my face; crying out to a God that I feel I set on a shelf until He is needed in a "crisis" whether it be a crisis of faith, trust, or life, and my confession is that I have conveniently left my saviour on a shelf. The last 3 months have been a rollercoaster and last week while brushing my teeth God said to me " I got this" and it was so clear it stopped me in my steps and shook my soul, and the shackles of fear, discomfort, betrayal, ignorance, were stripped from my spirit, and I am Free. I will be a believer that will allow God to reveal Himself whenever He would like- and I won't put boundaries on Him- because He is Bigger.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Skate Night

2009-02-25T16:07:00.005-06:00

Well this is a naughty, I don't want my picture taken face!! He cheers up for the rest of them! He just would rather make funny faces with the big boys!! It was skate night last night for the big kids school and we go pretty much every month, and I skate with them most of the time~ LOL, but I mostly hold CJ up and he has clipped me and we have both gone flying before! LOL These pics we sent to Dad who is working in Texas! We are ready to move but are being very patient for the end of the school year, so we do lots of fun things to keep us busy!! So fun, and I lost 3.2 lbs this week!!! WOO HOO!! God is good, All the time!!

Also, I looked at these pictures and said someone needs a tanning bed!!! Oh Summer we miss you come back!!!!!

It's Bad, It's Really Bad.... I May Never Recover... :)

2009-02-21T20:19:00.003-06:00

Well, I have survived the first week of Jon being in Waco and me home by myself with the kiddos. The most eventful thing I did this week was rent a storage shed. It wasn't until today that the craziest thing happened!! I decided that I would try to take the kids out and look for things for the house. I have a really hard time asking for help with my kids, since they were babies I have had a very hard time letting them stay with anyone but family. Don't get me wrong we have paid a teenage babysitter but I really can count on one hand how often we have done that. I just think that if they go with us they learn how to act in public. That is just me. Anyway- my mom and I were driving looking for a food place with a playground. First let me say I am shocked that I agreed to that because I hate those places!! Dirty ick! I can't tell you the last time someone has gone in with some cleaner and wiped those slides down!!! Let me then say= they did today!! LOL
It took us almost 30 mins to find a place that had a playcenter. Thanks to the urban legend of the kids dying from the water moccasins in the ball pits, needles in the ball pit, and yucky other things that I will leave out for the faint of heart. Well we got to the food place and this is how it happened! I told the kids that they needed to put their coats and shoes at a table while I ordered food, and then they could play. In the meantime my mom has gone to Subway because Weight Watchers is nicer with a sub than food from fast food. LOL We sit down to eat and Drew eats just fine, eats about half of his meal and wants to play some more. Fine, while they play I can have some adult conversation with my mom, plan and plot about the house, and just relax a little. About 15 mins later Drew comes down the windy slide with this weird look on his face. I looked at him and thought oh heavens get a napkin he sneezed!! It looked like a giant line of snot- BUT it was worse!!! He said "Mommy I threw up" I said what?! He had thrown up on the huge, windy, purple slide and every child that was sliding with him slid through it!! IT WAS A VOMITPALOOZA! I grabbed him and took him into the bathroom, and asked him how long his stomach has been hurting and he said it doesn't it smells like poo poo up at the top and it made me sick!!! It ran through my mind What was I thinking? This is awful!! Oh what is in that playplace that is making that smell? OH HEAVENS!! I ran and told the manager about the throw up and the poop! UGH! UGH! UGH!! Then I am apologizing to parents whose children had throw up on their clothes. It was horrible!!! Horrible- HORRIBLE!!! So, then I asked them to send people up to find out what was contributing to the poop smell up at the top of the slide!! When we were leaving they were sending workers into the play land - play area with disenfectant to clean it up!! So, yes I have become the mother that had a kid yack in a play land, but I made sure that it was cleaned up!!!! Gosh- I hate those places!!!

Announcement

2009-01-30T22:22:00.001-06:00

Well- we wanted to wait until Jon gave news to his job that he will only be working there for 2 more weeks, and as of mid-February Jon will begin his new job and our new life in Waco/Hewitt Texas. The kids and I will stay until school is out and we can sell the house. We are trying to transition the kids over the summer and not miss any school - and start fresh. We have prayed and really sought God's will for us and this has brought peace to our hearts, and this is what is best for our family. We are scared and excited all of the same time, and would ask for your prayers and advice if you know that area!! LOL We will be putting our house on the market in the next couple of months and looking for our new home in Hewitt, Texas.

I Got Tagged!!

2009-01-29T21:15:00.002-06:00

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1.I loathe Marshmallows (that means hate)

2. Before I had children I bet my husband 1 dollar that I would never lick my finger and then wash their dirty faces with it. I lost that bet the minute I saw Madison for the first time. I knew I would do anything for her.

3. I am a middle child but I am clearly the bossiest.

4. I bought the house that I grew up in.

5. Jon and I picked out my engagement ring 3 days after we started dating.

6. I make a mean Greek Salad.

7. I have lost 45lbs in a year so far....

8. I have out lived one of my children.

9. I am absolutely, totally, completely in love with husband.

10. My dad's name is John, my husband's name is Jon, and my brother's name is Jonathan it was confusing at holidays in the beginning.

11. I did all the bouquets for a wedding and learned by watching a Youtube video, and the flowers turned out pretty good.

12. I grief ate for one solid year after Savannah died- and God healed that crutch in my life- He's my everything.

13. My favorite laugh is Jon's (my husband) when he finds something truly funny.

14. My children have 3 completely different personalities- they amaze me everyday.

15. I will have all my children in all day school in less than a year- (I don't know what I am going to do when I grow up.)

16. I bite my nails.

17. I drink coffee with only Sweet n low.

18. I marched in the Fiesta Bowl parade in 96.

19. My husband and I with friends re roofed our own house 4 months ago.

20. The next time we need a new roof we are paying someone to do it.

21. I was born in Mississippi.

22. I have 30 more lbs to lose and I will fit into my wedding dress- my goal is to be able to put it on by my 10th wedding anniversary in June. I need prayer..

23. I worked at Wal-mart once and I could mix paint.LOL

24.My favorite color is sage green

25. I love to sing like a rock star- and play music and act like I am singing for 20,000 people.LOL

TAG!! Amanda, Amy, Ashley, Mandy, Emily, Faith, Erin, Lauren and whoever else might read this!! Just comment me if you do it!! I want to read about ya!!!

Big Things Are Happening!!

2009-01-28T12:11:00.001-06:00

Just wanted to let people know that there is going to be some big things happening with the Martin family!! Friday I will let you know!! Keep us in your prayers and remember God is good-All the time..

Hmmm?

2009-01-26T16:58:00.005-06:00

"If you had ONE day to do ANYthing and EVERYthing in the world you wanted to do, how would you indulge yourself?"

That my friends is the question at hand. That would mean that I would have to decide what my perfect day is for me. Well, I am a thrill seeker, and it has never been a fear of mine to try something new. (Other than a restaurant that serves weird food and you know what's good to eat there and no I don't feel like trying the "special" tonight! Sorry!) I love amusement parks- for the rides -ALL rides!! I don't want to look at things when I go to an amusement park I do not want sand art or a weird caricature of my face- I want to ride the rides. PERIOD! Also, I have said to my husband at an amusement park we'll say Branson this "we are not here to watch glass blowing honey, we are here to ride rides!! LOL! My most indulgent day honestly does not include spas, or beaches (don't get me wrong they would be awesome but my amazing day would be this: My husband and I would start our day at 12 am and we would go to 12 am the following day. I would ride the top 10 roller coasters in the world- I have listed 2 websites of the top 10 in the world! http://www.eng.buffalo.edu/~hulme/topcoast.html

http://www.coastergrotto.com/top-10-coasters.jsp LOL!! I found them!! I know I am a dork!! LOL

No matter how high, lots of spins, or flying like superman we would ride them!! We would have jets ready to take us around the United States or other countries when needed, and with our hands raised in the air we would ride each one screaming like fools!!! Ha Ha!! I would love to tell my kids we did something like that!! My husband and I have had to be brave over serious things in our lives, and this is something that I would do as my indulgence, my favorite thing in the world is laugh with my husband,and it would totally impress my kids (I care more about them thinking I am cool than anyone!! LOL) It is funny and quirky- but it's us!! It would be stories to tell my grand kids and that would be my indulgence.

Beautiful Martin Babies

2009-01-20T22:09:00.005-06:00

Look at these beautiful babies!! They did so good for the wedding!! I did the bouquets for the girls and it was so much fun!!! Everyone had a great time and we are so glad Justin and Megan are finally married and starting their life together!!

Tis the Season

2008-12-21T22:38:00.002-06:00

Well, things have been crazy, busy in the Martin household!! I have been doing PTA stuff, CJs school stuff, did the flowers for a friend's wedding, and taking care of the husband. Last week before our nutty Oklahoma weather happened Jon went 4 wheeling with a buddy and rode over a log that y'd, well (the log) it basically flipped around and pinned his ankle to his 4-wheeler! OUCH!! We put it in a boot and waited until Monday- sad thing is it sleeted all night and we had to get out on that horrible ice!! It is everything but broken, so he has been limping around all week. Starting in the beginning of December, I coordinated the Broken Arrow PTA Holiday luncheon it was stressful, but really came off without a hitch. At Madison and Andrew's school we had the Holiday Shoppe all week and I was up there most of last week! Our school did well and the kids had a blast and I am pretty sure I am getting some gaudy jewelry which I am totally stoked about! LOL Wednesday of last week I made 16 graham cracker "gingerbread" houses for CJ's class and he mutilated and ate it before he even got home from his party. He actually took it off the plate and decorated the inside of the house-that can't be right! I did my first set of flowers for a wedding on Friday. I did the bridesmaids and bridal bouquets, as well as the ladies corsages. I will post pictures when I get them!! It's amazing what you can learn on You tube. The kid's were all in the wedding and did an amazing job! The boys were the ringbearers/bell ringers and they rang bells walking down the aisle and said " THE BRIDE IS COMING! THE BRIDE IS COMING!" It was wonderful and Madison was an amazing flower girl and Jon and I were so proud! It was a great night! Today, December 21st is Savannah's 2nd anniversary in Heaven. I am 2 years closer to Heaven with Jesus and that is such an amazing event to look forward to! I sang at church today and I believe that I have found the most amazing new Christmas song it is called "How Many Kings" by Downhere. The group is amazing look them up they are awesome!! Tomorrow, I am singing for a friend's grandmothers funeral, so I hope that I can do her justice. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday with their families! I will post pictures of my beautiful babies soon!! Love to all and MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Sarah

Pray for Sweet Bella

2008-12-15T18:46:00.002-06:00

http://delangefamilytx.blogspot.com/

Above is a website of a family that had their sweet girl at 24weeks. We spent a long time in the NICU with Savannah and it is an exhaustive process and they need our prayers!! Good or bad they need a gentle touch from God that no matter what everything will be ok. God is good all the time.. Sarah

Branson 08

2008-11-10T13:15:00.003-06:00

Here is just 2 of of our 96 pictures my camera took in Branson!! We had a great time with our family! We have such sweet kids! On Saturday we went to watch the Dixie Stampede which was awesome! It did not leave our minds though that our sweet Savannah was celebrating her 2nd birthday with Jesus. We miss her- but we are truly, truly blessed and just humbled by what God has done in our lives these last 2 yrs. We are not the same, and for how horribly we lost her God has wrapped us constantly in His love. We are better people because of her. Thank you for all your prayers- it gets us through the tough days that creep up on us. I might add more pics soon but I am off to clean and recoup from our trip!!

TODAY IS THE DAY

2008-11-04T10:30:00.002-06:00

I WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW.....
HOPE YOU DO THE SAME!

SARAH

Praying for Rain

2008-10-28T08:28:00.008-05:00

Alright!!! OK I need some motivation from my blogging buddies!! It's coming up that time of year again and I am trying to focus on the business of living and not grieving over Savannah!! It's not that I don't grieve, but now it doesn't consume me. I have done really good and then the Monopoly game came out for McDonalds and my brain shifted towards that grief. Weird,

I know but for me it is sequences of events that I know happen every year. Monopoly @Mc Donalds, Halloween, Drew's Birthday Nov 2, Savannah's Birthday November 8th. This is the post I wrote 2 weeks before I had her-and this point we had no idea she had any problems.

Conspiracy

Alright, due to my insanity of being about 4 weeks away from having a baby I have began participating in the McDonald's Monopoly game. I don't really like McDonalds yet I have managed to go there more often than I would care to mention. The hilarious thing is that I truly believe I could win that 5 million dollars, and all my problems would be solved and new ones would surely arise. The conspiracy is that McDonalds gives everyone 3 out of the 4 Railroads, and now everyone is searching for that dang Short Line!! I don't care if I am 9 months pregnant I would fight my older brother for that Railroad!! LOL (because I know he is playing) Let me give you an example: I have managed to rope my normally level headed husband into the insanity! Yesterday, I call him about 5pm from our home phone and he begins the conversation with "I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU OWN A CELL PHONE WHEN YOU NEVER ANSWER IT!" (By the way he never calls me!!) A little taken a back I said "excuse me?" He asked " What Railroad do you need? I said What? He said What Railroad do you need? Not remembering I said B&O and he proceeded to go on like a 5 min rant about how he saw a B&O railroad on the counter at the Midway McDonald's and he didn't want to pick it up if I already had it, I never answer my phone, and he was almost home and how mad he was at me because he did not pick up the small little piece of sticky paper on the counter at the Midway McDonalds. Soooo, what is my first instinct? I start laughing!! I said Are you kidding me? Which made him even more angry because I have now lost HIM 5 million dollars!! After he hung up on me I ran through the house and found the monopoly board only to find that I needed Short line not B&O!!! So, I ran back to the phone and called to assure my normally level headed husband that I had not lost him 5 million dollars!! See maybe my question is how was that my fault? LOL What would have been the problem for him to just pick up the little game piece and stick in his pocket? I need to have this baby or win 5 million dollars that's all I'm saying! I Hate McDonalds!! LOL

It's a funny blog- I still laugh because I remember how funny it was when it happened, but I feel like we were so oblivious to the life changing events that were getting ready to happen to us. I have worked really, really hard to keep going - but somedays there is a push to keep going. Sometimes it feels like the flu, and sometimes it feels like hormonal depression. So, January of last year I started on Weight Watchers and I am like 35 lbs down, and I want more off, but getting through this time I pray I don't start eating again!! So again I ask for you to pray for my sweet family during this time and give me a shout out!! I NEED IT!! LOL

17 days and counting!!!!

2008-10-20T08:45:00.001-05:00

Love that ride!! We are going to Branson in 17 days!!
Pure exhaustion

Reroofing, Fall Break and New Hair- and All the Pics are mixed up!!

2008-10-19T00:02:00.008-05:00

I am not very blogger smart at all right now and it is late so all my pictures are backwards!! Anywho!! If you read the paragraph the pics explain themselves!! LOL
Well I have a couple of weeks to update so this blog might take a while! Read if you dare!! LOL We started off last weekend by letting the kids get on the roof with us and help rip some of the shingles off the house. Jon and I being young and stupid thought that we could re roof our house ourselves with some amazing friends might I add and be done by the end of the weekend! (slight smirk with a giggle) No that is not what happened- by Monday night at 11 pm I am on the roof praying that our neighbors don't call the police because we are nailing shingles STILL onto the roof!! Jon kept saying will you shut up and let me finish- it is going to rain!! We were up there until 1AM and we still were not done!! We knew rain was coming and we had to get tar paper laid and everything covered!! We made it through the rain with no leaks and our roof looks really good!! We have on more spot to finish but we are pretty much done- other than making sure around the house is good and clean! Jon and I have learned a few things reroofing our house together. 1.) We are going to write a book "If You Want to Test Your Marriage-Reroof Your House together. It will Make or Break a Marriage! LOL We had some really tough, irritating, and uncomfortable moments- but we love each other a lot and think we want to stay together another 50yrs or so, and 2.) We will hire someone next time to do it for us- we were really stupid! LOL We talked about it though and we are really proud of ourselves for what we have accomplished!! Fall break started on Wednesday and it rained so we had a movie day, Thursday they just wanted to play outside, and Friday I took the kids to Ray Harrel nature park and they ran around and were big explorers! It was fun and got us out of the house- even if Drew didn't believe that I hadn't got us lost!! He is such a guy!! LOL! Then, I have been desperately trying to decide what to do with my hair it was getting freakishly long for me and I was tired of putting it in a ponytail bun!! Let me know what you think?! I hope everyone had a great weekend!!
Do I look like a grown up?!

Madison tossing shingles to the ground!

The mighty explorers (Extra kid is Kayla, Maddie's friend)
How big was that spider?!
CJ- was tired and wanted me to carry him- me with the weird ponytail-bun!!

Climbing on the roof

I am helping Mom!!
Busy girl!! Gotta get to the top!

For Mandy

2008-10-15T20:57:00.003-05:00

I am in no way a photographer and I desperately seek tips from friends and their awesome pictures but I saw this precious face and had to catch it! I hope you can get this Mandy and put it to your collection. He is so adorable. You are an awesome mom!

The Punkin Patch

2008-10-10T11:26:00.002-05:00

I had a few problems uploading pics so I will post more later. I am just in awe at how pic CJ is getting- such a big boy! We went on our last pumpkin patch field trip for preschool yesterday. WOW!! I will update more soon!

Stroller Skating

2008-09-09T13:11:00.003-05:00

I read all kinds of blogs while I post my own on Blogspot, but the most interesting one I have read was the one about Stroller Skating!! I thought it sounded so fun and the girl said she got quite a workout! Well I emailed the skating guy in Broken Arrow and I am proud to advertise that

BA Roller Sports is now offering Stroller Skating!!

Mommy and Me Days at BA Roller Sports
When: Tuesdays 9:30-11:30am
Beginning September 16th, 2008
Admission is $3.00 (skates included in price)

Broken Arrow Roller Sports is located 1 block South of the Broken Arrow Expressway @ (Elm Place Exit) on Oakland Pl. For General info; call 918-251-6200

Bring your baby, bring your friends, and skate the morning away!!! You’ll be amazed at the workout!!!

What's your Favorite Bible Verse?

2008-08-23T22:53:00.002-05:00

I love this question..... I would love to know what your favorite bible verse is? What spoke to you? How did God speak to you? It is always so interesting how God uses His own word to feed us.... Here are mine

Phil 3:14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

John 9:1-5 And as He passed by, He saw a man that was blind from birth. 2 And His disciples asked Him saying, Rabbi, who sinned this man or his parents, that he should be born blind? Jesus answered- It was neither that this man sinned nor his parents; it was in order that the works of God might be displayed in him. 4 We must work the works of Him who sent me, and long as it is day; night is coming, when no man can work. 5 While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.

Let me explain both of these passages of scripture to you....
Phil 3:14 is from a youth camp week I went to in junior high and it was one of the most amazing weeks of my life. I just wanted the prize- I wanted to seek, learn, and know what that prize was. I am a child of God and that is the prize here on earth but oh Heaven with Him, there are no words.....

John 9:1-5 the bible I got this out of was the NASV, but I believe in the New King James it is changed from "it was in order that the works of God might be displayed in him" to That I May be Glorified" that verse changed my heart and that is what is on Savannah's headstone
"That He May be Glorified" John 9. That verse continues to give me strength everyday.

Every time someone gives me a verse that helps them I try to look it up. (thanks Amy) I want to know if that verse speaks to me the same way or if God hands me something completely different. He is quite amazing that way.

So- I want to know your favorite verse.. What gets you by/ What verse at a pivotal moment saved you from yourself? What verse changed you? I am so curious... Plus I want to soak in His word and I would love you help.

Thanks- Sarah

Sarah Started Thinking Outloud Again

2008-08-21T10:55:00.002-05:00

I have been really searching my heart lately. Since Savannah died, I have been so focused on learning about the physical heart and will probably continue fundraising and supporting the American Heart Association for the rest of my life, but something occurred to me recently what happens if you work on someone’s heart physically and never even invest on their heart and its true eternity, have you missed the mark? Wow even to type that makes me sick to my stomach. What am I doing? I mean everything I talk about regarding Savannah is basically about how God saved us from ourselves. Self destruction is almost inevitable because you lose something in yourself when a child dies, but could this be a way we lead people to Jesus, or do we lose people when they have to comprehend what we have been through? I had 2 very important couples lose babies before us and just being a friend it broke my heart, and then I lost one of my own - it is still devastating even behind the smile. Here is my dilemma- How can I share my faith without sounding like a grieving mother or an annoying broken record? Because I know that after awhile people don't want to hear about her and that sounds harsh but seriously isn't there a point where it feels overused? I struggle because she is gone and never, ever coming back; and it makes me sick that I feel she is being forgotten. I know that 10 yrs from now someone could drive past the cemetery and say "oh yea that is where the Martin baby is buried; but shoot I can't for the life of me remember her name." Do you see my point? Heartbreaking- See, I am now at weeks that are good and then in an instant it will hurt, then it is gone; and I move on again, but how can that turn into a way I can reveal my faith? What about sharing it? I am frustrated that I have come to the realization that I am defined by the death of my child, but am I leaning on that? Is this what defines me? Will it define me forever? My kids started school this week and I love my kids but I danced a jig! We thrive on routine, but I kept thinking never a first day of school for her. I got upset about thinking about having to take CJ to his last, first day of preschool. She will never be an Orange Tiger, Purple Porcupine, or even a Red Rabbit. It hurts my heart, but it just is what it is. I am trying to be active at Madison, Andrew, and CJs schools but they will all be in school all day next year and I am already worried about what I am going to be when I grow up. LOL I have been a mother since I was 20, and I have never truly regretted making the decision to come home and become Jon's wife. Now though- what do I do? There is just only so long I can consume myself with PTA. I mean I love it but on some level I want people to talk to me because they want to not because they see the "Oh Lord PTA lady what does she want? “ LOL! This post was really not supposed to be as serious as I believe it has become, but it is where my mind went so I went with it! It has always amazed me how life works. I am not really good at it sometimes-Life. I just feel sometimes I am always a step behind, Sometimes a step ahead. Why is that? I feel I am such a walking contradiction! I don't know. . I think I am just searching for answers- from God. It’s funny how He works- getting us on our face asking for His help.

Yea!! CJ started school today!!!

2008-08-19T13:25:00.003-05:00

Green playdoh to match my shirt!

Ready with my Kung Fu Panda Lunch box and Diego Backpack!! His shirt says "Yes, Girls, I'm Single" that is funny stuff!!
We have to make funny faces Mom!!!

Well we started our last first day of preschool today! No tears! CJ loves school!! We are sooo excited about being a Red Rabbit! School is going to be so fun this year!!

2 Down 1 To Go!!!

2008-08-13T10:38:00.002-05:00

Babies, I Don't Think You Get It?

2008-08-06T00:52:00.003-05:00

Drew playing with an enormous play gun!

Let me explain why this is so funny... My children have just recently discovered that there is a bed in our couch. It is like a campground in my house. They asked tonight( or begged) to sleep on it and I gave in to their request. I had gone to Wal-mart and Jon put them to bed. When I got home this is what I saw. They pulled the bed out only to put the cushions on the bed and lay on them!! It cracked me up!! They are a hoot!

Want Smore?

2008-07-31T09:48:00.004-05:00

YUM!
oOEY Gooey!!

Roasting marshmallows is serious business- it takes technique
Drew soo excited! LOL

Madison is growing her bangs out and it is driving me nuts the hair in her face! She is not a ribbons and bows girl when she plays outside so keeping her hair maintained over the summer has been virtually impossible!! She's still my cutie pants!
I did the pics out of order but I think you get the idea of what our summer bedtime ritual is! My mom started this at her house with them roasting a marshmallow over a tealite! Not to be outdone I do it over the stove!! My mom has amazing things she does with my kids and I try to not to do the fun things that she does at my house because I love that they come back and tell me ALL the things they did at Grandma's! I do however believe that smore making is universal- they are special anywhere!! I don't like marshmallows due to peep incidents growing up that I choose to keep trapped in the recesses of my mind! LOL No, I just loathe marshmallows!! My husband is an amazing sport- he enjoyed his time making smores!! His goal is to look like a goob as much as possible while I take pictures so I said fine I don't care what you do but these pics WILL be on the internet!! LOL!

Interesting Little Scenerio

2008-07-27T17:43:00.004-05:00

Well- I am sending out a little (well rather big) prayer request. It's a funny thing what God calls people to do. We are learning that God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the Called. We are searching for what God wants us to do. Jon and I believe we are being called to join our churchs Medical and Dental mission team that goes to Nicaragua each year. We as happy surburban lifed people have really been settled with the attidude of "that is not what I am called to do" well frankly our hearts have changed. So now we lay on our faces trying to search out what God wants us to do. If we choose to go It will be the July-20th- July 27th, 2009, exactly a year from now. There is a lot of prayer, money, and emotional investment going into this trip. So, we are asking for prayer in our decision and frankly I think I need an audible reply from God in one form or another! LOL (Actually, I am quite excited about it!) All the advice thrown at us and prayer support is greatly accepted.

Romans 1:16 For I am not ashamed of the Gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes-

Bible School

2008-07-21T23:20:00.000-05:00

I love bible school. I remember it as a kid ya know the sit down, stand up song they used to play. Walking the flags and the bible down and how you were money if you got picked to carry one of those things, and the importance of not letting the flags touch the ground. I always was nervous watching the other kids carrying the flag because I knew that if it touched the ground there might be a flag burning ceremony (never happend but they sure scared the crap out of us huh?) I just love the piece of wood that you painted with broken tooth picks or pieces of sticks that up close you couldn't tell what it said but when you walked away you could read JESUS. So cool. Game time is what my kids talked about tonight. I remember game time at my church so fun Jennifer Nelson and I would get taunted my Beau Bradshaw and maybe Steven Roberts because they were the competive boys! LOL Cameron his brother was older and in elementary school he was my romance and always somewhat saved the day. All of us have kids now- except Cameron he is with Jesus now. Thinking about those amazing times like making Peanut Butter balls rolled in coconut that we took home on Friday night when our parents came to see ALL the crafts we made that week, it makes me miss Cameron- what his wife would have looked like or how many babies he would have had. Just so unknown. I wonder if he has met my Savannah yet? Anywho. I went to Starbucks with a friend tonight for my time out and we got to chat. We have wasted a lot of time not being friends- it is funny how God changes your heart when you never thought your heart could change again. She was and is my friend. It is amazing what God has brought to my mind taking my kids to Bible school. My kids played a game tonight that they all loved- it had to do with bubbles in a pool and what they were thankful for. It was really funny listening to them try to explain. I love them so much. It made me start thinking about what I was thankful for- my husband he is utterly amazing, my kids the ones that are still with me- they make me so frustrated and so proud and happy in the same thought, my parents who have loved us(my brothers and I) unconditionally, my church what an amazing place to worship and seek Him, I am thankful for friends- new ones, old ones, prodical ones, ones that left in anger that were probably misunderstood, grace, I live off of it. I am thankful for Jesus who with out Him I am nothing, Family, Family, Family in whatever form that God gives them to us. Hope- that one day I will see my Savannah again in a place I can only dream about. I still every so often struggle for a breath- I sometimes feel I have failed my other children on the days it hurts to breathe but I keep getting up and trying again, I am thankful for that. I just keep wondering how I deserved all of this?

The Natives Are Restless...

2008-07-18T00:41:00.005-05:00

Well we are mid way through summer and let's just say that trying to keep my kids busy is getting difficult. I read of a friend who froze toys in water so her boys could chip away at the ice and dig them out. I am trying that on Monday or Tuesday- a little transformer frozen in an iceberg of ice makes me laugh! I will post pics! Thanks Ashley! Well this week we have built tents, swam, and tortured our poor shih-tzu Boomer. He is praying for school to start to I know it! LOL! Here is some fun pics!
MOM WE NEED MORE CHAIRS!!!

COME ON I AM NOT EVEN A DOG ANYMORE!! So patient! Sweet Boomer!

Drew he is so charming when he wants to be!
CJ
Just climbed up from falling through the innertube!
Such buddies!
Boomer chillin in the tent!

Little Bits of Summer!

2008-06-20T09:53:00.002-05:00

Andrew at VBS!! He is having sooo much fun!!
Madison sunbathing!! It is hard to be soo glamorous!!!
CJ testing the waters!!! He can swim without floaties and did his first front flip off the diving board!! He fears nothing!!

This is My Anniversary Present!!!

2008-06-14T22:59:00.004-05:00

We picked this out on our Anniversary!! Our kids are getting bigger so we moved away from the mini van!! Jon loathes the mini van. I loved that van my children affectionately called "Herbie" Here is the newest member of our family!

In a Blogging Mood

2008-06-11T15:23:00.004-05:00

Well I have lost 27 lbs and then I gained .6!! I weigh in tomorrow so we will see if I have lost any this week!! Jon and my 9th wedding anniversary is Thursday!! I am really excited!! My goal is to fit in my wedding dress by our 10th anniversary! WE shall see!!I will post about our anniversary soon!! Jon won't tell me what he is doing!! Full of surprises that man!! LOL

It Storms And My Kids Sleep!!

2008-06-10T22:59:00.004-05:00

I thought I would post a pic of the kids sleeping during the tornado last week. Drew my son on the right did not wake up at all!! LOL Why worry when Mom and Dad can do it for us!!
Sweet Maddie girl!

Summer Update

2008-06-09T20:36:00.002-05:00

I don't actually know who reads this blog but I would like to think there are many! LOL Well our summer is going good. We have had terrible weather the last couple of weeks and so on Thursday we take our van in to the insurance for hail damage, and Saturday our house will be looked at because our roof is leaking in our bedroom!! Yea!! for Oklahoma weather!! Jon was out of town for 8 days the last 2 weeks so we have stayed with my parents because they have a pool and live in Sapulpa and it saved on gas because my favorite thing to do right now is fill up my mini van!! LOL and the kids our amazing swimmers- all can swim without floaties or me helping even CJ, my four yr old! They are amazing little creatures!! I have done my own little daring adventure for the summer!! I have lost about 27 lbs so far in my journey which means some of my confidence is coming back!! HAHA! KXOJ the christian radio station had auditions to open (sing) for Rockets over Rhema the big fireworks display event for BA. I decided I would try out. I made the top 4 of my night but they only took the top 3 to finals. BOOO! LOL Anyway, I chalked it up to a good experience and moved on with my summer!! Anyway so I received a call this morning and they told me they were taking the 4th place people from each night and they became "wildcard" contestants in the finals!! LOL I still might be able to sing!! I sing at church but I have not sang in an open place in a really, really long time!! So we will see- It is June 24th and Incredible Pizza!! It should at least be a fun night out with the kids!! We are all doing very well. The bridge books are being done and my house is semi clean! LOL The kids are going to their aunt's for the next couple of days so Jon and I can celebrate our 9th anniversary! I am pretty proud of what we have accomplished, survived, and learned over the last nine years. I love that man with everything I got! He is awesome and I am sooooo blessed!! I hope everyone is surviving the summer!!

Summer day 2

2008-05-21T15:24:00.003-05:00

Well- It is summertime, and my goal is to keep my kids as entertained as possible! That by day 2 is becoming harder than I thought. The kids played outside all day yesterday and today they woke up at 6:45am rearin to go!! We started our bridge books today and my kids loved doing them! We read our 15 mins each child separately, and that my friends was all by 9:00am. What to do! I had them clean their rooms, and then we went to meet my mom for lunch with her at the park. Still only 1:00pm!! They are now watching a movie and we will go to church tonight! I have to figure out things for them to do or they will do the next best thing- fight or draw on something!! I am so looking forward to really hot - swimming weather because we will swim until they are falling asleep in the water!! LOL I have to get some pictures of the boys summer cuts! white heads with tanned faces!! LOL!! I weighed in today and I have lost a grand total of 26.4 lbs!! It is very exciting!! I might be High school reunion ready! LOL I don't know that whole thing seems so scary! Well so far so good! Just wanted to take a break from cleaning and write a little!

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T07:45:00.000-05:00

I wish you all a wonderful Mother's day!!!

A New Week

2008-05-07T22:21:00.002-05:00

I am writing for this week now and I posted a blog I started last week also!! LOL Well I lost 4lbs this week!! I did a kickstart week and it worked for me sooo grand total so far 24.2!!! It is amazing!! I feel really good and my energy level is soaring. It has been such a busy week already! Teacher's Appreciation Week has kept me busy along with 2 PTA meetings and I gave the opening thought for the city meeting it was very cool and I was very honored they asked me to speak!! Anywho!! We had some pretty good storms tonight and I got the biggest laugh out of my four yr old CJ who was so confused that nobody would take their clothes off to get in the bathtub during the big storms!! LOL He said THEY STILL HAVE THEIR CLOTHES ON!!! it was soo funny!! It is the little things!! LOL All in all a great week so far!!! WOO HOO! 8 days until school is out!!

What a week!

2008-05-01T23:51:00.003-05:00

Well let's see I gained 1.8 this week- I think all the celebrating that I made my 10% helped in this minor set back! LOL! Yea- so I am back on track! LOL Jon has been out of town this week and I am sort of a pitiful soul right now! CJ had is school performance tonight and played a mean air guitar during one of the songs!! He gave me the giggles it was so funny!! Well all and all it has been a good week. We are getting ready for Teacher Appreciation Week and I have about 58 baskets in my family room that I have threatened my children's lives that if they touch they will not enjoy sitting for a while!! LOL They have stayed in place!! I just want it to be nice- Teacher's are so underpaid, and underloved- my dad is a teacher and we struggled a lot growing up because teacher's pay is so lousy! I am just curious- Where is all the casino money? HMMM? I know those places never close and they always seem busy. What a lie Oklahoma bought into! I voted no- because it hasn't brought a whole lot to the table- its quite sad- It has brought a lot of addicts. Sorry off my soap box!

10%

2008-04-23T21:25:00.002-05:00

Well today I reached my 10% goal!!! Very, very cool!!! I have a looooong way to go, but I have had 4 children so now that I am finished having babies I can lose all the weight I gained when I had them!! I was not one of those Moms that bounced right back after having a baby!! (Those Momma's who are I commend you!! LOL) I just want to be a healthly, happy mom!! LOL I sorta want to look good for Jon too! LOL I know he doesn't care but it certainly helps!! LOL God is really good!!!

Pray for Mac

2008-04-22T20:00:00.001-05:00

I have a prayer request!! We have a Sweet youth at our church that has had some major medical problems over the last several years stemming from an appendix rupture. She needs lots and lots of prayers!! Lift her up!! Thanks, Sarah
She will be Mac on my blog list!!
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/macschwartz

Small Enough

2008-04-21T21:27:00.004-05:00

I have an odd feeling. I tear up regularly wondering how long it will be before I can go months without grieving Savannah. Lately I keep an IPOD in my ears whenever there is a long period of time that it's quiet or I am by myself. It keeps me from wondering into a depressed abyss. A song on my IPOD that really describes exactly how I feel right now is called Small Enough by Nicole Nordeman

Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now. There were times when I was crying from the dark of Daniel's den and I have asked you once or twice if you would part the sea again but tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the sky just wanna know you're gonna hold me if I start to cry. Oh, great God, be small enough to hear me now.
Oh, great God, be close enough to feel You now. There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own and how could I forget we've marched around our share of Jerichos, but I will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight- just wanna know that everything will be alright. Oh great God, be close enough to feel you now
All praise and all honor be to the God of ancient mysteries whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history, but tonight my heart is heavy and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer "are you there?"
and I know you could leave writing on the wall thats just for me or send wisdom while I'm sleeping, like in Soloman's sweet dreams but I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot in the end just want to know that you still know how many hairs are on my head.
Oh great God, be small enough to hear me now.

I feel that way right now. It is not the big things right now that I need relief from. I just keep asking Him if He is there? I continue to pray and pray and pray. I don't feel lost though- I know that I have His favor, but tonight my heart is heavy- I am searching.

21.2!!!

2008-04-16T07:08:00.001-05:00

I lost another 3 lbs!!! WOO HOO!! That means I have lost 21.2!!! I am sooooo excited!!! I had a crazy weekend and I was worried but it turned out really good!!! This summer is going to be awesome!!! Yahoo!!!!

Heartwalk

2008-04-13T22:01:00.002-05:00

Well, friends I did it! I walked 3 miles in the Heartwalk in memory of my Sweet Savannah Brooke. I still love her name so much. It was not nearly as emotional as I thought it would be, but all in all it was what I needed to do. My husband Jon last week decided to walk with me. He didn't want to in the beginning because in his words "I didn't want to go back to that night ever again" I can't say that I blame him, but he wanted to walk with me and that blessed my heart. I just hope that the money that was raised helps a little for the research for Heart disease. It's funny but I think about her differently then Jon does; I don't think of her as being sick. I think of her as being a vibrant, animated 17 month old, and that is not the case of how our lives would have been. She would have already been through at least 3-4 surgeries, and that would continue for the rest of her life. We would have had to say our good byes every time she had a surgery and I believe that might have caused us to lose our minds. I choose to believe God knows best. She was a lovely little thing, I miss her terribly, but it is a different hurt now. I just long for Heaven, but on earth I love and take every wonderful moment with my living children as a gift from God because it can be gone in an instant. I know that because in an instant she was gone. I actually started this blog and quit to do a facial on Madison and paint her finger and toe nails!! So fun!! I don't know how lucky I am sometimes. Jon is having some "man" time with the boys. They are going to come back filthy but it is so wonderful!! I am at peace right now. I mended a bridge that had broken last year and am trying to be a grown up and have grown up friendships!! LOL It is so worth it!! I am just glad things are on the mend. (Miscommunication is really poopy) I really like my husband and you may think that is funny that I write that but I was terrified we would fail miserably as a married couple after this happened but it looks like we are going to be ok. I can't complain. I am however happy for our friends who have moved on and started families after the loss of their child. I continue to pray for them, and Jon and I are trying to continue living our lives as "a Grateful people". I am so amazed at how Jesus loves me. I am honored, and I continue to believe that even something as horrible as having a child die- He still loves me and provides me with Grace every day. It's no greater love. I am truly thankful.

Countdown to HeartWalk!!

2008-04-06T19:44:00.002-05:00

Well I have met my goal and now I am just making sure I can walk, walk, walk!! What a might God we serve!! He continues to love me everyday and keeps me strong and able to move on!!! We are at less than 6 days to the walk!! Keep me in your prayers and if your are interested in jumping in a walking on Saturday let me know- we would love the company!!! Love, Sarah

Woot!

2008-04-03T11:06:00.001-05:00

18.8 lost!!! So close to 10% !!!!!

Losing Weight

2008-03-30T14:45:00.003-05:00

I like taking random pictures during my weight loss so my kids, husband, and myself will see when I have got to my goal weight what I came from and never, ever go back to that!! This is one of the shots!!

I have a lonnng way to go but right now 17.6 has made me pretty proud!!! Thanks- Sarah

Update

2008-03-26T14:55:00.002-05:00

Well it has been a while since I have blogged so I need to update this thing!! LOL Our Easter was wonderful and I will post pictures soon (my mom took better pics so I am getting hers from her!) I have lost another 2.6 lbs which makes my total 17.6 lbs which is so awesome!! I am getting prepared for the Heartwalk on April 12th and I walked 5.11 mi at the resevoir on Monday so I know that I can do the walk. Jon got me an IPOD for Easter so I have had my ears filled with music and it has been a lot of fun!! I will post more pics soon!! Love to all-Sarah

HEARTWALK GOAL MET!!!

2008-03-16T00:14:00.002-05:00

I am so excited and wanted to let everyone know that my $500 goal for the American Heart Association Heartwalk has been met! What an amazing walk I hope this will be!! I hope for some major shedding of grief on that day!! I may cry all three miles and that will be ok! Thank you everyone who took the time to check out the site and also to donate!! I just hope the money raised will go to respectable research for this awful disease. Our hearts our still so broken from the loss of our Savannah but praising God and doing everything we can to help raise awareness has provided enormous comfort. Check out the site!!! Thanks and love to all- Sarah

http://heartwalk.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=247421&supId=198823323

I HAVE HIT A SECRET GOAL!!!!

2008-03-12T10:52:00.003-05:00

Well I hit an amazing mark today!! I lost 2 more pounds and that makes my total loss 15lbs!! WOOHOO!! I have lost all the pregnancy/grief eating weight I gained for Savannah. What a feat! I am now close to the 1st goal of 10% of my body weight!! I have a loooooong way to go but I am not so scared of swimsuit season- I still have a couple of months to go!! What an amazing 3 months it has been!! I am so excited and I just can't wait for nice, warm weather that will not end with 30 degree weather the next day!! COME AND STAY SPRING WE HAVE MISSED YOU!!!! Have a great week everyone!!

Madison is 8!

2008-03-11T20:40:00.002-05:00

Well I still haven't learned how to load pictures on the blogger so you're going to have to deal with the disorder!! Which if you hang out with me for ten minutes you know that I am a litte disorderly!! LOL This is a tribute to my Madion Paige who turned 8 yesterday!! She has brought such joy to our lives!! I remember not long after I had her looking at her fingers and toes and even the little vessels you could see on her head and just being in awe of God. I just felt so undeserving of this perfect little creature!! She makes us giggle and she loves her Daddy!! Happy Birthday sweet pea we are lucky to have you!!!

My Big Boy!

2008-02-28T13:57:00.003-06:00

SOOO BRAVE!!

My awesome friend Alice sent these to me!! This is CJ !! He didn't care about the color he was a big boy!! LOL

13lbs lost!!!!

2008-02-27T17:32:00.001-06:00

Hey another 2 lbs I lost this week!!! YEAAAAA!!! I needed that excitement!! I am up to 13lbs lost!! Very cool!! I am going to get to play with my kids and keep up!! I love it!! The walking/running starts soon!! Get in some real shape!! Woo hooo!!!

Skate Night=Mom of the Year

2008-02-26T21:03:00.000-06:00

Definition of torture anguish of body or mind : agony b: something that causes agony or pain.

I did that to my children tonight!! I took all three of my children to skate night!! Can any of them skate? No! Did they try? Yes. At the expense of my body? Yes!! Did we have fun!! YOU BET!! We laughed all night!! CJ my four year old got the skates you can keep your shoes on with and he was gone and skated most of the night!! Drew wanted to play the video games and Madison was a trooper and kept going and going!! I skated too and told my kids to tell Jon I won the races!! LOL No not really!! LOL They were so fun tonight!! While on the way home CJ said "Mom I don't feel good" I said what hurts baby? He said "My bottom!!" I laughed out loud!! They ran in to tell Jon how much fun they had! It was soooo worth it!! I gotta go soak my feet!! LOL

Little Sweeties- and a Few Tough Boy Shots!

2008-02-23T21:04:00.003-06:00

I think they are so wonderful! LOL

I love this age - Teeth falling out weekly!

Ger!!

Bring it!!

I Needed This Today!!

2008-02-20T16:20:00.001-06:00

I lost 2 lbs this week!! WooHoo! I needed that!! I have 79 days to swimsuit season and I have a looooooong way to go!! LOL Wish me luck!!

Today, This Week, This Moment

2008-02-17T20:31:00.004-06:00

So here is the deal.. When Savannah died I was told a number of things, 1st get marital counseling because there is an 84% divorce rate when a couple loses a child (uphill battle you think?), get on an antidepressant, and start a journal. A lot of other advice was given but in the cloud of that time I can't remember or I chose not too. Therefore, I am doing one of the three things we were advised to do I started blogging. I am not saying that we have not sought the advice of our pastor or I have not taken an antidepressant- just right now we are very blessed in how God has preserved our marriage and our sanity. However, some of the hurt I feel is so wrapped around my heart that I NEED to write, and open a wound to see it begin to heal. So, here it goes!! I am an excellent smile at your own expense person. I talk when I need to and frankly I talk about Savannah a lot - she was a part of me, but I often seem to leave out the deep, take my breath away hurt I truly feel, so today I am admitting that friends I need a reprieve from my grief this week. I need the fact that she is never coming back to leave my brain right now because it is consuming me. I am in a state AGAIN of why did this happen to us? I struggled this week to maintain a happy heart. (Because Prov 15:13 says A happy heart makes the face cheerful!) It was Valentine's day this week- hear me out.. I was cleaning out my car on Saturday and saw a little picture of CJ that had his picture with puzzle pieces around it that said "You will always have a piece of my heart" and it hit me; in my car, at that moment, I realized that I was never going to get something like that from her. I have talked about the first day of kindergarten, first sport, first date, prom, wedding but it never crossed my mind the amount of sadness I would feel over the little things. Is it possible to be jealous of Jesus? Whew! I said it.. I am jealous that He sees her every moment of everyday. See when she was alive I lived day in and day out believing that she would be healed. I honestly believed that I would walk into the NICU and the Dr would say "Our bad Mrs. Martin your baby is fine- take her home!" We lived 5 weeks driving to and from the hospital 3-4 times a day, and my dad kept asking Have you yelled at God yet and asked why? He is a big God, and He can handle your anger. At one point I did yell and scream. That was December 19th, 2006. She died on the early morning of the 21st. My Dad later asked again not long after she died if I had gotten angry, screamed and yelled at God and I said "Yes Dad I did and she died. How do I change that? How do I fix that? What do I yell at Him now? She's gone! Don't you think it is a little intimidating to scream and yell again? I have said this time and time again it never in a million years dawned on me that this would be the way He chose to heal her. See I think the stage I am in now is that I am starting to move on and it kind of ticks me off. I don't want to get farther away from her I want to get closer. I wanted to fight everyday for her. I wanted that little person to be a ooooh! Martin kid! LOL! If you have met my kids you understand the last statement. Another issue I have seemed to have embarked on is a baby boom at my church, and well frankly everywhere!! LOL! Lots of pregnant ladies! See I can't have children anymore, after a baby is born with a heart defect the percentage goes up for having another child with a heart related issue; we didn't want to face that possibility again. Plus, we had already decided she was our last so, the decision to stop having kids was already made before I had her. We did not want to "replace" her. So, now I am now dealing with the "new season" of my life Blah! All of my children are potty trained, can dress themselves, and are children- not babies. It is hard, sad, and exciting, but I also told my husband that I didn't want to personally have anymore children but if someone set a baby on our doorstep it would not bother me one bit. He rolled his eyes at me! It is hard-I wanted that sweet little girl with all of my heart. I didn't care if she was sick. I didn't and I would have done anything for her. I have lived the last year trying to praise Him and trying to comprehend that God loved her even more than me, her mother, and knew what was ultimately best for her. So I am admitting that today, this week, this moment is hard, almost breath taking. I admit it... I am angry. The questions with no answers consume me; but I will continue to live off the verse from John 9 that says "It was not his sins, or his parents sins that caused him to be blind from birth- It was so I may be glorified" I am in a valley right now- and with all my heart I am seeking His answers, His approval, His grace, but I understand that I may never see His answers until I see Him. Hard? Yes.

Minor Setback!

2008-02-13T15:51:00.002-06:00

Well I gained a pound this week! GERR!! I didn't cry during the meeting but I certainly cried in the van!! LOL It has been a stressful week some personal stuff that we have been dealing with and I am a stress eater! I just need to pay more attention to what I am putting in my mouth! I need to be drinking more water and just paying attention!! We are over a birthday so cake is getting thrown away really soon!! I didn't eat much but I would like to keep it that way! Plus, my kids don't need all that sugar! Well I was down today but tomorrow is going to be different. It's a new day!

Chatting about Life

2008-02-10T19:51:00.000-06:00

Well Friday was the first hard day I have had in a long time. Savannah would have been 15 months old. It is amazing to think what she would be doing right now. I daydream sometimes..... I have kept myself really, really busy lately. Since the 1 yr anniversary on December 21st I have kinda moved into a new frame of mind. It is selfish but one friend said that this should be the year of "me." I don't know if I like that term or not. I intend to lose weight, how much I don't know yet. I want to be healthy and feel good. I have been doing Weight Watchers and praying a lot so we will see. I am up to 10lbs lost. I have a lot to go but like I said grief eating has not helped at all!! I did the hospitality room for Drew's wrestling club; we hosted a tournament at the end of January- I fed between 150-200 people it was big and I think I did ok. I am still President of the PTA at the kid's school so that keeps me realitivly on my toes, and I was on the nominating commitee for the new Broken Arrow PTA board. It didn't take up much of my time, but there was a lot of thought to who should be the board over all the Broken Arrow PTA's so I wanted to help make a good decision. Jon and I are doing good. We are in a really good place in our marriage right now. It will be 9 years in June and I can't imagine one day without him. I spoke to a woman who lost her husband almost a year ago and she made the statement " He was the love of my life- I am just adjusting to being alone because no one can fill his place." That my friends is a road I don't want to cross for another 60 years if ever. Maybe Jesus will come back and we can go together. It hurts my heart for her I told her I know how I feel losing a child I can't imagine losing a spouse. I just know that God has really saved us. Not even in a salvation sense this time, but just helped us and our ability to keep going. On another happy/sad note- CJ will be 4 on Tuesday. He says "Mom don't call me baby- I am a big boy!" He is a big boy! I will doing my ode to CJ on Tuesday with pictures of him and I am sure a story of something terribly naughty or extremely funny that he has done. My kids light up my world- they are wonderful and I am so lucky. I am truly blessed. OH! On the HeartWalk note: I am really close to my HeartWalk 2008 goal. I have $300 and my goal is $500!! I am amazed at the outpouring of love in this goal of mine!! I will be walking 3 miles on April 12, 2008!! I will put the website on this blog again!! If you can't donate that is ok. I just love showing Savannah off a little! We are grateful people, and I just want to help in anyway I can for this project. We may not have been able to save our little girl, but maybe we can save someone else's.

Here is my link!!
https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=247421&supId=198823323

Love to all-
Sarah

10 lbs!!!

2008-02-06T14:47:00.000-06:00

Hey I weighed in today and I have lost a total of 10lbs!!! I am very excited!! I have lots to go but I feel good!! Thank you very much!!!!

VOTE!!!

2008-02-05T17:13:00.000-06:00

TODAY!!! FEBRUARY 5, 2008 VOTE!!!! VOTE!!
I CANNOT EXPRESS THIS ENOUGH!!
VOTE
EVERY VOTE COUNTS!!!!!!
MAKE IT COUNT!!!

LOVE- SARAH

I Am Close to Reaching my Goal!!

2008-02-02T16:15:00.000-06:00

I am so excited I am only $225 away from reaching my goal for the heartwalk in April!!! How exciting!! I have been working on my weight loss and training to get ready for this walk!!! I am so excited!!! Check out my site!!!!!

http://heartwalk.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=247421&supId=198823323

Help a Heart!!!
Love, Sarah

It's Coming Off!!!

2008-01-30T10:59:00.000-06:00

After a pretty crazy week I was scared to weigh in today since last week I only lost a half a pound!! It was still a loss so I was excited!! I really paid attention to the amount of food I ate and watched my points and I lost 4 lbs!!! My grand loss so far is 9lbs!!! I am really excited and hopefully summer won't seem so daunting!! Everyone is on track getting better and are back at school so pray we stay well!! So, I am really excited!! Thanks for the prayers!! Keep it up I love it!!! Sarah

Oh Heavens!! The plague!

2008-01-22T14:11:00.000-06:00

I believe the plague has hit my house!! At least that is how it feels! It started on Friday and is moving through the children one by one. Madison has not gotten sick yet (knock on wood) but the boys and myself are typhoid mary's. We are usually pretty healthy beings but it seems to have hit us good! I am supposed to weigh in tomorrow so I am hoping for something since I have been in bed or snuggling with little ones all weekend!! My husband said well if you wouldn't lay with the sick kids you probably would not have gotten sick. I said yea! cause your going to hold them! LOL! They are pretty pitiful!! I am so ready for it to be over 40 degrees!!! I have grown accustomed to being outside with them and seem to have some cabin fever myself!! Pray for everyone to get well!! Thanks! Sarah

Weigh In

2008-01-16T21:26:00.000-06:00

Well I had my first weigh in today... I have started weight watchers and I lost 4.6 lbs this week!! I am excited!! I have had a really good week. I think that I have a new focus! I have a long way to go but I am praying that God will continue to keep me strong and strongminded. Thank you for the prayers! They are needed! I am not quite ready to post a before shot because frankly I am a little embarassed and the weight I have reached. SOOO, I will take a picture and post it when there is a real change!! I am a good pep emailer so if you need any encouragement on weight loss let me know because I think everyone needs encouragement while working on this stuff!! I love the people who are keeping me in line!!! LOL! Love you all, Sarah

Grief eating

2008-01-07T15:10:00.000-06:00

Well, let's be honest I am pretty open when it comes to my writing on my blogs, and this blog will be no different. It has been a long, long year, and it has not gone the way I really wanted it to go, but do things ever go the way we think they should? If they did I would have a healthy one yr. old right now and I probably would not have the time to write, so maybe losing Savannah has brought out the writer in me. What a crappy way to get to this point huh? Well there are other things that I have become good at one of them is eating. GIRL!! I can eat!! I didn't do drugs, cheat, gamble, or do any of the things that I could of done to SHOVE the pain out of my mind, but it was unavoidable for me to stop eating!! I ate when I was happy, sad, mad, depressed you name it and I ate it! LOL Well I gave myself a deadline that the grief eating stopped December 21st 2007 which was a year to the date little died, and for the most part I have watched what I ate, and drank since then, but now is the time to do something BIG!! I am just asking for prayer because along with my self control I gained back on December 21, 2007 I lost all the adreneline I have been living on for the last year. I am tired. I can officially say I am on no medication right now for depression and I am proud of that. I am putting faith in a God that is bigger than my grief. SO... to the diet I go! I 'll keep you posted!!

PS Christmas blog will be up soon!!

Pictures with Santa

2007-12-22T18:14:00.000-06:00

Let's face it I am naughty- have mercy. CJ is precious! LOL

Drew what a good boy!

Madison with most of her teeth missing!

Heart Walk update

2007-12-18T16:32:00.001-06:00

I am so excited that I already get to give an update for the Heart Walk!! I have already gotten $75.00 in donations for the the walk in April!! Which means I have $425 to go!! WOO HOO!!! If I can reach my 1sr goal I may change my goal to a higher number. God is really good !! Check out my site!!

https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=247421&lis=0&kntae247421=4E5D48B8CBF0416696A0286B36E3C9D0&supId=198823323

Keep me in your prayers!! I am so excited about this walk!! Thanks, Sarah

HeartWalk

2007-12-16T16:55:00.000-06:00

https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=247421&lis=0&kntae247421=4E5D48B8CBF0416696A0286B36E3C9D0&supId=198823323

Check out what I am doing on April 12.2008!!!

Why I have to be ok..

2007-11-26T20:37:00.001-06:00

I am always stunned and amazed at the things God places in my life for comfort. Sometimes they work- sometimes because of my own flawless humanity it doesn't. This picture blesses my heart. I can't wait to see this in Heaven. I so long for eternity with Jesus. Today I was provided comfort even if it was something so small.

Thankful, so Thankful

2007-11-21T23:28:00.001-06:00

It has been a long year in the Martin house. On certain days I am thankful for every single step I take and other days I can't find one reason to be thankful. On those days I am wrong. As hard as that is to say.. I am so wrong. I have a wonderful husband, who by his own admission is rough around the edges. He is the black and white in my gray world. He has learned a lot this year, he has stood his ground this year, and he has countinued to earn my undying love for him this year. Madison- what a strong little girl, who gets up everyday and struggles to catch up in reading, practices her spelling words when I force her, but she makes me laugh everyday. Her smile lightens up my world. Andrew, whose name means "manly" is so strong and bold, and is as tender and as precious as they come. He will wrestle in his second tournament soon. I lose my voice screaming for him and always whisper in his ear" I am your biggest fan." He makes me smile. Christopher- his name means "Christ-giver" my dad says he could be president some day, honestly I would be more honored for him to be a "Christ-giver" to Christ-needers. I am so thankful for my children. I am thanful for Savannah, what little time I was given, has changed me to my core. I have struggled this year and this is what I have learned. No book helps the empty, but Jesus does, No drink helps the need to get away, but Jesus does, and no amount of anger, resentment, or vacantness helps, but Jesus does. I am thankful for Jesus, who sometimes helps me breathe when my hurt is that bad, and I thank Him for loving me when I didn't deserve it. I am thankful, so thankful. Enjoy your turkey and sweetpotates.

Public Floggings Are they wrong or Necessary?

2007-11-09T07:55:00.000-06:00

In our society there are very few ways as a parent to discipline a child in public. Let me give you a scenario- Walmart-My children have the "Stuff mart" song from Veggietales come into their head the minute we walk into the store' and their ability to turn the other cheek to their sibling magically stops. So, while I am trying to buy hamburger or bread at any moment my three yr old could be screaming at me "let me out" (of the basket of course) and my other two have managed to make aisle 3 the fight club aisle! Now here is the dilemma: Do you tell them "No more fighting please, use your words? OR At that moment do you stop what you are doing shlamp (yes, that is my new greek word- no, not really) them both and threaten them within an inch of their life? Here is my double edged sword I am getting to the actual story I promise!! As a parent there is always someone in Wal-mart that is so quick to roll their eyes at my children, but then when you actually do something about it there is someone else to death glare you or actually voice "Did you see what she just did to that kid?" Which sends me to stroke level faster than my kids can!! OK so here is the actual story. It is not a secret that Andrew, my 6yr old, has a difficult time at school sometimes (wrestling is way more fun than sight words! Jeeese! didn't you know that?!) well I got a call from his teacher yesterday stating that she has been watching Drew and he has found some enjoyment in being a bully to one little boy. Not cool my friends! I think that is the lowest thing you can do is pick on someone not a strong or even strong minded as one might believe they are. So, I asked the teacher where he was at-I was running errands and so I went home, I got my wooden spoon, and I proceeded to go to the school. I got him out of music class and I took him into the bathroom and spoke to him about "Would Jesus want you to pick on a kid and by the way it is JUST PLAIN WRONG, AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK TO YOUR TEACHER WITH SUCH LITTLE DISRESPECT,I WILL COME UP HERE AGAIN AND SPANK YOU AGAIN IF I EVER GET A CALL LIKE THIS AGAIN. I WILL NOT RAISE A MEAN LITTLE BOY!! and then I wore his fanny out! Now, after I did this I thought I am going to jail. LOL!! Then I thought if I don't who will? I do not want him on the Dr. Phil show in 10yrs telling me he has 8 of the 1o characteristics of a serial killer. I am just so frustrated at the fact that I am terrified to discipline my child because of the way our society has pinned the way a child should be raised. I love my kids, I live for them, but let me tell you they can lie, steal, hit, bully, and it is my job to show them they are wrong and then lead them the right direction!! Right?! Have we lost all control, and now we are raising children who believe they can do whatever they want with no consequences? AAAAGH!!! What a crazy time we live in?! I just wish there was a clean line of what we are allowed to do as parents?!! Well off my soapbox I go and now I am going to take some Tums! LOL

November 8, 2007

2007-11-08T08:37:00.000-06:00

Dear Savannah Brooke,

Happy Birthday my sweet girl! You would be one today! What a wonderful birthday party we would have had for you!! Pink decorations, pink cake, pink flowers, and pink presents all for you!! How is your birthday in Heaven? I bet the cake tastes better? Did they clap for you when you huffed, and puffed on your candle? Did you get to dive into a special cake just for you? What a year it has been without you! Madison is in the second grade and she loves to read! Her favorite animal is the Cheetah. She is very girly just like you!! We are getting ready to redo her room and make it chocolate brown and pink!! Lovely room for a lovely girl. Andrew started kindergarten he goes to school all day! He is working very hard learning all of his sounds and sight words so he can read! He wrestles day and night! He prays for you everynight that you will get better and Jesus will send you back, but we know that Heaven is your home and you are saving us a spot, and we encourage him to pray for us to be happy here on earth until we go to heaven. CJ is in preschool!! He is almost 4! He wanted to be your big brother really bad!! He was a good big brother! He learned to swim without floaties this summer, and to ride a bike without training wheels last month!! He is a busy brother!! As for Daddy he stays busy and misses you very, very much though sometimes it is to hard for him to admit how much he truly misses you. Little girl you were so wonderful!! As for Mommy I miss my little moment. I miss getting to hold you and watch you yawn. I miss feeding you. I miss the smiles I never got to see. I miss the hugs I will never receive from you. I miss you!! I hope that you have the most wonderful first birthday in Heaven. I hope that you are cuddled extra today. I hope you dig into the most wonderful cake imaginable. I miss my dreams for you. All your birthday wishes have come true, and you are a healthy girl now strong, healed, and loved. I will be with you soon. I love you, Savannah, my wonderful moment, Hold onto Jesus until I get there then we will praise Him together.

I love you minute, Mommy

WWF and all that..

2007-10-29T20:18:00.000-05:00

Well Drew started wrestling this week. Good? Bad? I don't know yet. He is on a green, yellow, and red light behavior system at school and if you know Drew yellow is what color the child lives on and it is not because he is mean or hateful, but just because he wants to wrestle ALL the time. Also, at any moment as I am told by his teacher he will break into song. I am exhausted!! This child wears me out! One moment he is ready to scrap and fight and the next he is such a cuddler. He didn't used to be and now it makes me melt! He was the baby that when people tried to make him giggle he just stared at them like "Are you done?" AAh!! I love getting to know him!! He will be 6 on Friday. Wow!! time sure flies! It won't be long and he will be in high school. I thank God for Andrew. He is so precious!! I am so excited and pray for wonderful things for him when he grows up!! He will be my CEO! LOL Thank you Jesus for my Drew..

Advice I need some...

2007-10-24T10:03:00.000-05:00

I had the tooth fairy isn't real talk with my 7yr old today. She then asked who else isn't real? I had to tell her neither was the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. Madison then said "You tricked me" You lied. I am no longer going to put money in a college fund I am changing its name to "the Therapy fund." I miss the late night feedings and the puke. It was easier.. How do I fix this?

Who are you?!

2007-10-15T13:13:00.000-05:00

Alright! I know that I read a lot of people's blogs but I want to know who is reading mine!! LOL Leave me a comment and let me know if my stories are as interesting as I think they are!! I know they are my babies so I tend to think whatever they do is phenomenal! Let me know I want to know who is reading!! haha!! Sarah

Bittersweet Emotions

2007-10-04T14:30:00.000-05:00

Well by the grace of God I believe that within the next week all of the medical bills surrounding Savannah will be paid and we will be back to just paying for what we live on and that is exciting and incredibly painful. It is over. The bills sent to our home addressed to Savannah Martin will stop coming and soon all the random Enfamil samples and coupons will stop arriving in the mail and we will be back to the way things were before she was born. I do however realize that my life, and heart will never be normal again. I am forever a Mother that has a child buried in that cemetery on Memorial. I think about what I have missed in the last year and it makes me hurt to my core. At this moment I should be seeing little bit crawling and walking with a small amount of assistance across the furniture. We should be on level 3 foods and even eating a big amount of real food. She should be able to talk a little. We should be scheduling pictures, planning a wonderful pink birthday party, but I just paid off the freakin medical bill for the hospital where she died. I am a little irritated because it should be like a car really if they don't fix your kid- they don't get paid. Welcome to Sarahland my friends. Welcome! Jeeese!! November 8th is her birthday and for the last year I have thought about what I am going to do for that day, let off balloons, make cupcakes, take family pictures, but right now for the life of me I can't think of something to do that doesn't make me want to throw something up against a wall and just call it a day and go to sleep. I got my tubes tied in January and have not regreted it one minute until August when I was late. I thought oh heavens what am I going to do? If I am, not only is my life now in danger but how will we handle it? Well it ended up not being a pregnancy issue but a stress issue and "my friend" came and I was sad. I told Jon it is not that I wanted to be but I thought I might get a mulligan. (Golf term for do over) I thought that I might get a chance to end having children on a positive note because I am very proud to say that my first three kids are wonderfully healthy, spunky, and worth the wait. They make me smile. I wish my house was cleaner but don't we all? My Savannah's birthday resolution is to get my house the way I want it. Paint and finish my kitchen, redo things and make it mine. Today I am not ok.. Tomorrow maybe not either, but I will survive. I can't wait for Heaven. I can't wait for Jesus, and all that glory I don't deserve.

2007-08-21T20:43:00.001-05:00

All of my children are in school and I am full force in the PTA for Andrew, and Madison's school. I am fighting a sinus infection along with a three yr old that hid under the bed today because he was sad Boomer (our shih-tzu) would be lonely. I had to carry him into school today- late which I hate being late, and he didn't want to wear his shoes and so that was a battle also. I have stopped screaming at my children in the car that if they didn't stay in their seat the police were going to take Mommy to jail after my 5 yr. olds response was not of sadness but a "that doesn't sound like a bad idea" kind of statement! I realized they had called my bluff and I had lost the battle. Well the last couple of weeks have been insanity!! Starting with the Welcome Breakfast for the Teachers, Meet the Teacher day, Curriculum night, ending with a picnic on Thursday!! I will from now on appreciate these events more when I go to them because I now understand that there are people putting everything they have into these events, and good or bad they have sacrificed time with their kids which is what they are ultimately doing it for and instead of watching that extra TV show with the spouse they are double checking price and volunteer lists. A lot of hard work goes into these events!! I don't care if my kids remember every event I just want them to remember I was there and I cared enough to be part of it. Our society is so busy that we have lost that urge to slow down and enjoy our children. I don't do it often enough!I was so excited about Andrew going to Kindergarten that when I actually walked him to class I realized I needed a muffin to at the BOO HOO breakfast I was hosting!! I enjoy the PTA and volunteering, it is keeping me out of bed, showered, with make-up on, and that is a good thing!!

It's My Birthday

2007-08-12T21:34:00.000-05:00

Well today, I turned 28. I am settled and believe that 28 is definitely going to be better than 27! If you know me at all you understand that this year is can I say it worth forgetting? Since I had Savannah and then ultimately she died I have lived in a worse case scenario lifestyle for the most part, and keep myself as busy as possible. Most days are really good- others I am not a true functioning member of society. Ha! Ha! We have worked really hard to maintain our sanity even when some of our "friends" tell people we have gone off the deep end. What exactly is the deep end and do they really have room or freedom to talk? Anyway! I have sat down a made a list of all the bad and good things that have happened to me this year so as you read all the good things know that I am praising God everyday for the good things and struggling to get past the bad. It has been a good birthday and it kind of felt like I was making New Year's resolutions the whole time. I choose life. I choose to get out of bed and color with my kids, I am choosing to cook. LOL I am choosing to love my husband with all of his faults. I am choosing to try as hard as I can to be the best wife for him. I choose my children. It has all been bittersweet. I miss her and I am often a little jealous of little babies in their little swimmers and intertubes. I long for that. Its the little things. Spf 60 suntan lotion, little summer dresses. I see her carseat all the time- Pink plaid with a daisy where her head would rest. Oh Lord! How my heart hurts and I am so thankful at the same time.

Bad -

Loss of Savannah -

Dirty house -

Lawn that needs to be mowed -

Fights with family

Good

My family is still together

My house will eventually be clean

Choosing to make new friends

Knowing we are not crazy

I am happy with myself

I love my church

I have a new hobby in the PTA LOL!!

God has provided new and existing wonderful friends that have taught me how real friends should act. I don't need to be around the people I used to hang around with. Sadly, they were let downs, and I choose not to be who I was anymore.

I am truly grateful for my family. What a gift from God my parents have been, and our pastor Larry and his wife Cindy who have loved us at our worst and lowest. Who treat us like their own children. We are a Grateful people.....

I believe the way that we have handled ourselves this year after the loss of our daughter has been the way God has wanted us to, and we will either be vindicated or justified in the end. So, frankly the people who think we are wrong can mind their business. We are doing the best we can with the lot that was handed to us. Some might not understand why I am writing what I am writing others will, but as God as might witness I will survive this.

Exploring

2007-07-24T23:57:00.000-05:00

Hello, I must be in a writing mood!! I have written more in the last week then I have in a long time!! The kids are going to bible school this week which is absolutely wonderful for my sanity right now!! haha!! I love my kids but keeping them entertained during the summer is getting more and more difficult! My kids are just at the age where they can ride their bikes well, starting to feel really daring, but still not quite big enough to go anywhere but up the street. (We live in a double cult-te-sac so that is nice!!) Drew today, my daring one, decided he was going to ride his bike around the block without asking!! UM yea! I got sick to my stomach!!! He was gone before I could yell for him to come back!! I thought "What am I going to do?" I was watching my friends kids so I couldn't just hop in the car and go get him. So, I started walking towards the place he should be riding his bike too!! He got there. Let me first say that I told him to get off his bike and go to his room. When I got into his room I said: AND I QUOTE!! " Son let me first say how impressed I am that you rode your bike around the block that is really cool, but you scared me really bad because you just left without telling me. What if something would have happened to you? He then began crying and said I know I was very scared when I got around the block and so I kept riding until I found you!! I said we need to talk to Dad and find out how far you can ride from home but right now lets stay on our street. Then as nice as I could I said if you leave our street again I will wear your bottom out! Do you understand me. He said "uh-huh" I said I love you so much I would not want anything to happen to you. Lord help me is what I pray daily!! Haha!! Life is always such an adventure!! Well while the kids were at bible school I got a facial which was really nice. I don't really do that as often as I should!! Sometimes I feel like there is no real point!! haha! Anyway it was wonderful and I am going to buy some new makeup which is fun!! haha!! That was my day!! Life is good..

Just a note....

2007-07-22T00:31:00.000-05:00

I have nothing really to say. I just needed a minute.
To all the women who have lost children and wanted to dig them up and hold them when you thought they were cold, or wet. You are not crazy.
To all the Mothers who have lost children and people stare at with pity - This to shall pass.
To all the Mothers who still love to hold babies but at the same time cannot stand the sight of them. You are fine
To all the Mothers whose dreams are lost. You will make new-different ones.
To all the Mothers who have lost a child and now struggle to be a good mom again to the children that are still living. Keep going.
To all the Mothers who just feel lost - You're not.
To all the Mothers who feel alone - You're not.
To all the Mothers who cry- cry until you feel better.
To all the Mothers who are so proud of their babies that just weren't strong enough to survive- Keep being proud.
To all the Mothers who have found strength in Christ. Keep believing that He is in Control. In your darkest moment let God shine through you- it might be the only Jesus people see.

To all my friends who love and pray for me..... Thank you, Sarah

A Little Rant

2007-07-21T21:57:00.001-05:00

Oh! Blogdy , blog , blog..... This has been a rough week I don't know why but I just want to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth!! LOL! I am really ready to get a routine back for my kids!! I can take them swimming, let them play outside, and keep them up late but they still wake up with the sun!?! I don't get it!! Sleep already!! LOL! I just realized I may be getting old?! Whew! I said it!! My birthday is coming up and I will be one year closer to 30. *sniffle* I want a birthday party!! I haven't had one in forever!! Is it still allowed after 25? I have to admit I have been on a little pity party lately I want my girl back but it just is not going to happen. Ouch! I just want to know if she is held by Jesus daily, if Jon's mom holds her, or my dear sweet aunt that we called Sister loves on her daily? I want to know if she has met Job yet or Noah? Has she met Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John? What about Lullabys? I am getting closer and closer to her 1st birthday. Do we celebrate it? What do we do? Any suggestions? I don't know I still have a couple of months. I would like to think I am down to having bad moments but I am still having bad days. It is true. I think I am going to work out after the kids start school again. Sounds good. I have met some ladies in my neighborhood that are interested in walking I might start walking with them. I have got to live again. I haven't really cared. I don't really care about what people think of me right now. I just want to make sure my husband and kids are happy. I also think people who live in glass houses should not throw stones. Jon and .. are doing well and I am happy for that. Life right now is moving around us like a freight train and we are sticking together and I am proud of that. Most of the time we just feel like we have been hit by that train!! haha! Everyday is one foot in front of the other, good or bad, but hopefully one day we will finish our race and win the prize we are striving for. Pure joy in the presence of God. I am ready for that. Thanks for the rant.. Sarah

2007-07-15T23:40:00.001-05:00

Hello friends!! Well it has been a while since I posted a blog and that is because I have three children two of which are boys whose main goal is what they can hang from or how many times mom has to come outside to turn off the hose. I keep yelling IT HAS RAINED QUIT PLAYING IN THE HOSE OUR BACKYARD IS ALREADY A SWAMP!! CJ (my 3yr old) giggles and runs away. My 5 yr old Andrew is as my friend Paula calls it an equal opportunity fighter it doesn't matter if you are black, white, Hispanic, younger, older, male or female he wants to fight you and at any moment could ruin some guys ability to have children. I keep saying "son you can't punch your dad there it hurts him" (as my husband is bent over gasping for air) I then try not to giggle. Drew fights with Maddie, CJ, and managed to "wrestle" with a boy he just met at my father in law's church's 50 yr anniversary service. Also, at one point in time I caught my boys trying to get to the baptismal room so they could "see the water" I could just see them taking a flying leap into that symbol of "buried with Christ in Baptism and raised to walk in newness of life" Well we went on vacation last week to Alabama with my parents and it was a wonderful departure of real life. The kids got to fish, run around and get dirty and meet family they have never met before it was wonderful!! The 12 hour drive went amazingly well!! The person who came up with the portable DVD player should win the Nobel Peace prize! Well, on the Maddie front I am a little saddened to say that my 7yr old daughter at lunch yesterday said that she doesn't want to take dance lessons she wants to learn to dirt bike race!! I have failed as a mother!! LOL I mean I painted her room pink, I made her wear hair bows, and most of her barbies still have their heads but for Pete's sake!! DIRT BIKES!!! She is not allowed to watch motor cross or "Pinks" with Jon any more!! I have to have one year where that child wears a freakin tutu!!!!!! It is my right as a mother with a daughter to make her dance and get those for picture and humilation purposes when she is older right?!! Oh well!! It could be worse!! haha!
Well I am off to take the kids swimming and improve my tan!! LOL I hope to write more soon!! Thanks!! Gotta go one of the boys is hanging from something!!! Sarah

8 yrs later

2007-06-12T14:06:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow June 12, 2007 will be Jon and I's 8th wedding anniversary!! WOOHOO!! I believe a notch to your belt every year should be celebrated and cheered for. Marriage is hard work. It clearly is the hardest job I will ever have besides being a mother. There are days I love every ounce of Jon the minute he steps in the room, I can't get enough of him, and other days I can't stand the very floor he stands on!! When I think of Jon these are some of the things that I think of - best friend, worst enemy, my biggest competitor, faithful teamate, arrogant, humble when he needs to be, protector, lover, father to my babies, umbrella from the rain of this world, bark worse than his bite, jack of all trades, will help anyone, and loves me often times saving me from myself - husband! When he came into my life I wanted nothing more than to hold his hand and follow him for the rest of my life. If you have ever met Jon he at times can be abrasive, but I have never seen a person like him. He will drop what he is doing to help someone in need. It is his most endearing and annoying quality. We have been through a lot in the last 8 yrs. Having 4 children- one which we had no choice but to let her go be with Jesus. I watched my husband with everything he had try to breathe life back into our girl but to no avail she was already gone. He gave 110% just like he does with everything and still lost that battle. He remains my hero. In our darkest moment we promised to be each others #1. We have watched his mother suffer from cancer and ultimately succumb to her illness and still he remained strong. I have seen him broken, and at his darkest moment look at me at tell me how much he loved me. That is a good man. He doesn't shmooze.. He is what he is.. . take him or leave him. He is confident, never jealous. I love to see his eyes change their look when Madison walks in the room. She was a daddy's girl her first day of life. She makes his day. I love to watch our boys try to be like him. Big, strong, tough, and sometimes grouchy! Haha!! All so very tenderhearted though!! In our 8yrs of marriage I have wanted to kill him, and I have sometimes wanted to leave, but I have realized how messed up I am for him!! I would be good for no one else because I was made to be with him He is pretty messed up for me too!! What a beautiful mess we are in!! I would have changed a lot about the last year, but not for one moment did I ever want to have survived or faced this without him. Everyday I push to be a better wife!! I would drop anyone that could come between us without a second glance, and I have. So, thank you Jon for the last 8yrs. I can't wait to celebrate 50 with you. What a day that will be. You are my heart. You are what I dreamed for as a little girl, and I thank you for loving me as I am. We are so very, very blessed....

A Little Giggle

2007-06-02T09:17:00.001-05:00

Well it is the beginning of the summer and I would like to post several things my kids enjoy doing at this particular time.
1. Torment the dog. (It doesn't matter how much they love him making him bark is way more fun!)
2. Torment each other- (It doesn't matter how much they love each other- pissing your brother off enough to get him to scream at gut curdling proportions is priceless!)
3. Destroying the house- "Let mom clean we will destroy it later"
4. Making mom go to stroke level in 0-2 seconds is AWESOME!!!
5. Playing in the backyard- You know it’s been a fun day when your yard looks like the ghetto when they go to bed!
6. Eating, eating, eating it’s like we have never done it before!! What a concept!
7. Screaming for absolutely no reason at all! ALL OF THE TIME!!
I will write more as they come along!! BRING IT ON SUMMER! BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!

End of the Year Awards

2007-06-01T12:47:00.001-05:00

Maddie and a friend both have to do bunny ears

Maddie and some of her classmates!

State reading award! She read 25 books this year! We read 30 books in one month!! Awesome!!

Outstanding Reading improvement! Maddie had a rough year but she worked sooooo hard!!

She reads it very seriously!!

Maddie getting an encouragement award

Maddie and her friend Trey

Drew and his class singing "Kindergarten here we come! HERE WE COME!

Please look at my camera not your friends!! one picture please!!!

Andrew getting the Respect award and if you know Andrew you know why I got the giggles when they called his name! I thought he would surely get the perseverance award!!!

Well summer has begun and I have been given the chance to brag on my children a little. Madison will be starting the second grade in the fall and Drew will begin kindergarten. Whew! I know I will blink and they will be in high school!! Right now though I will cherish all the little awards they get in their classes! I am not the best photographer but I try!! I think my kids are beautiful!! haha!

It's Summertime!

2007-05-31T11:53:00.000-05:00

This is what happens when I am cleaning and CJ gets to quiet. I hear "Mom help!! I stuck!" He has scaled the drawers onto the cabinet and how he got on top of the refrigerator I just don't know!! Sadly, instead of getting him down I ran for my camera!

My kids got a new and wonderful toy from our friend David! Thank you David! We luckly have a field behind our house so it is a safari everytime!!

Mighty, mighty travelers

Summer starts with Memorial Day

2007-05-27T23:14:00.000-05:00

Well every summer begins with Memorial Day. BOO! We have done pretty well. I picked out the first set of Memorial Flowers for Savannah's grave and frankly I have come to the conclusion that no flower will ever be beautiful enough, and that is ok. I had the most wonderful honor of running into one of the mom's I met while Savannah was in the NICU at Wal-mart on Saturday. Her baby was born at 28 weeks-(I think- don't quote me!) She was born at 2lbs and had already been in the hospital a month when Savannah was born then moved to that hospital. I remember several nights I sat near her watching her panic when her daughter's SATS were going up and down. I remember every time I heard a monitor I looked up to make sure it wasn't Savannah's monitors going off- every parent did it quote me. It takes months to not hear beeping in your head when you leave that place. I was so arrogant!! I remember thinking. We are so lucky it could be so much worse. "We are just waiting for her to weigh 5lbs so she can have her shunt put in and then when she is 1 they will do a full repair.” We are so lucky. Ha! Well if you know us we weren't so lucky. Well at least not in the way that society considers us lucky. Back to Wal-mart I stood in one check out aisle as she stood in the other when I saw her. I was purchasing the memorial flowers I had finally chosen and she with her beautiful, chubby, eight month old purchasing whatever she was at the store for. We were two mothers with two very different outcomes. She didn't know Savannah had died, and asked how she was doing. I just shook my head no, and turned my attention to her wonderful miracle. She is so lucky so, so lucky. I want to make a confession I still love holding babies. I LOVE IT! What people need to understand in these types of situations is yes, I have lost a baby and on some level with every baby I see my heart hurts a little, but when she is supposed to be 12 I will look at every 12 yr. old and my heart will hurt a little still. While holding babies though I don't need to be watched or pitied because I don't want that baby I want my baby. I will always want mine. ALWAYS. So, worries about me having a chopper outside ready to zoom off with the baby, it's not going to happen because the saying is true "Every old crow thinks hers is the blackest." It's true as wonderful as my friend's babies are they will never be as wonderful or beautiful as mine because she was mine. I miss her like crazy! It stinks that instead of getting to watch her roll over because she would be doing that right now I am finding the perfect bouquet of flowers to place in her vase. I do like Memorial Day. This day is for all the men and women who have lost their lives to fight for our freedom. Our freedom to worship, our freedom to support our government, and our freedom to not support our government I am the first not the latter. I'll keep thatmy opinion of what I think our nation has become for a different blog. LOL! I just want to say I still think Jon and I are lucky, so very lucky. We have 3 beautiful children that are healthy, ornery, and my joy. Jon and I have each other and I live and breathe for him. Besides Jesus Jon saves me from myself most of the time he is my heart. I am so very, very lucky. I can even see through the fog that I have been in and I know how absolutely blessed my life is. Such joy......

I stopped playing the game...

2007-05-15T10:20:00.000-05:00

Ok so if I haven't talked to you in a while I get to enlighten you on why in the heck I took down my site. It is the long drawn out high school drama crap that I was so giddy to get away from when I graduated! In our continued journey to grieve the death of Savannah we have had a lot of people tell us how they fear for the way we are grieving. I have really struggled talking about this, but I am beyond frustrated with people telling me I am not grieving right, watching every move or action we make; and having the nerve to be irritated that we don't want to hang out it just makes me sick. I have three kids I am lucky to get to hang out in my own bathroom by myself. I have never been one to keep a notebook of things that I have done for people so when a fight brews there is an arsenal of things that I can use against the person I am fighting with. That is not truly giving its just providing ammo for future fights. In our weakest moments we have had people we love kick us while we are down. We have been psychoanalyzed, judged and even ridiculed to the point that shutting down and staying in our home seems to be the best option! Then, when we finally have the nerve to say "I refuse to play this game with you" we are called crazy, irrational, and bitter because we lost our daughter. Let me admit that at some point I have been all of those things but do you blame me?! I went to the cemetery last week because I had not been in two months, and the first thing I see is bird poop on her headstone. That made me a little bitter. Let me let you know I know that she is not there and I don't stay more than 5-10 minutes because what is the point? I realize I am talking to a rock, but I go because that spot is what holds my wonderful moment. Savannah's spirit is with Jesus and I won't get to know her until after I meet Jesus myself, but the body I held, the strawberry blonde hair I ran my fingers through, and the cheeks I kissed are in that spot in the ground and that is the closest point to where we are still together. I have realized how completely powerless I am, so bring on the craziness!! It has nothing to do with the stone, but I know how much effort Jon and I put into our children's name. We picked the name for each one of our children. Madison was going to be Madison Paige, Savannah Brooke, or Peyton Louis (I believe that we changed Peyton in the end but THANK God we had a girl!) Andrew Nicholas, it was such a strong name and it was perfect for him. Christopher Joseph, (CJ) was picked by Jon and I agreed. All of them sound really great when I have to yell them out the back door! Honest to goodness I HATE seeing her name on that stone and it is still very surreal to me that " I lost a baby." I don't know if the pain in the pit of my stomach will ever go away when I see her name.
That is it it's all that is left of her other than pictures. Honestly my patience has shortened and having friendships that our conversations were only about persons we trashed on that day just made me feel like a "plastic" and I hated myself and wanted more. I wanted depth, and encouragement in a way some people cannot provide for me anymore. So, when the confrontation happened I became the person to be trashed. It is not a place I want to be and the inner scrapper in me had come out again. I had to stop playing the game. I had to take down my last page so I could be hidden from those people and talk to the people I was really on myspace for. I want to be able to write about things and not have certain people believe it is about them! Frankly, I really just think of myself right now and how in the world am I going to shove my pain down enough to clean my house, or take care of my kids the way I used too. My worst fear is to have my living children when they are grown ups tell me "well after Savannah died you just didn't love us or take care of us the same and we feel jipped." That is a therapy session I never want my children to have. With our world the way it is the last thing they need to worry about is whether they were loved enough as children. I am trying to find real, encouraging, in love with Jesus friends that will love me for me and I can do the same for them. So, now that I have spilled my guts my load feels a little lighter. Thank GOD I am not who I used to be, and forgive me if you can't see my heart right now, but I am so humbled by what has happened in my life and I am not the person I use to be or even the person I was 6 months ago, and I plan to prove that for the rest of my life. Thanks for hearing my rant… Sarah

A Little Venting Never Hurts

2007-05-06T19:12:00.001-05:00

So I haven't written in a while on this site so I figured I would sit down and write a little. I am doing pretty good right now. I have stayed really, really busy. Most of the time good, but sometimes to my detriment. Lately, I have had a lot on my mind and I am over thinking. Thinking is way overrated. LOL! I remember being in high school and my day revolved around what people thought of me and really it killed me to not be liked. Now, I think I have grown up and my attitude is "well this is it and if you don't like me like this you probably never will." I really like this line of thinking now, and frankly I am trying to accept it. Sometimes it is easier said than done. I am just really confused right now. I have had best friends through the years and I really enjoyed being their friend but it always involved more than sadly I wanted to give. I grew up wanting and demanding to be the center of attention, but now I would like to be as far out of that circle as I possibly can. I have tried to not talk out of both sides of my mouth but it has happened. I admit it, but I just don't want to do that anymore. Today was not a good day, it was long, not a lick of sunshine, and a lot of rain. EEH! My daughter said something to me the other day and it is shocking to me how fast a girl learns to cut you right to the core. She said I wanted to stay at Grandma's house because her girl cousins were there and she didn't have a sister to play with. Whew! How do you respond to that? 1.) because you know she is cutting below the belt 2.) I never had a sister either and I know exactly how she felt? 3.) Buckle and let her win. I told her I fought with everything I had in me to not let her sister die it was just bigger than us and we had to accept that, but we weren't going to hurt each other in the process. I worry about Madison because I grew up with two brothers. I don't deal with girls very well. I never understood the smooch, smooch, screaming. love, love crap that some of my friends dished out.(most of the time fake) *eye roll* Maybe because I never trusted them enough to believe what they were saying. I don't like being told one thing and then their actions speak louder than words. I hung out with guys in high school, and I was always the friend, never the one they all wanted to be in love with. EEH so irritating!! haha! I just felt more relaxed and honest to goodness I think every girl says this. LOL I am just learning to have friends because I am not really good at it. I love God, my kids, my husband, my family, and my church and nothing else really matters. Honestly, I am an adult now and pleasing friends that aren't family isn't a concern for me anymore. My sister in law is one of my best friends, we have had rough moments but bottom line we would be there for each other. Jon is my best friend in the whole world and part of the time I just want to kick him in the face for acting like he is better that EVERYONE!!! but I love the crap out of that man. I hang out with people right now I never in a million years thought I would and I like it . I guess I have just wiped all the crap off my shoes and moved on and I am content. It's a good feeling

Pictures from Easter

2007-04-09T00:21:00.000-05:00

Easter Sunday! Here is some pics of my sweet family!

God is good! If you look really close on Drew's lap is our new puppy Boomer!! Precious!

Happy Easter!

2007-04-08T00:09:00.000-05:00

Meet Boomer!

Drew the handsome devil!

My sweet Maddie girl!

CJ took time out from playing outside and getting filthy to decorate easter eggs!

CJ right before his school Easter egg hunt!!

Hey! Happy Easter everyone!! We got a new puppy and we decorated easter eggs today!! We sat and told our kids about what Easter is really about and how much Jesus loves us!! It was so awesome! Life is good! I am posting some pics of my babies!!

I Want More

2007-04-01T23:51:00.000-05:00

Laughter is the best medicine. We laugh a lot in my home. Laughter is why I fell in love with Jon. He makes me laugh because well he is kind of a dork, but so am I. After being married for 7 almost 8yrs I know how he ticks, tocks, and everything in between. We are polar opposites, and I had a friend once say she didn't know how we got together because we didn't look like a couple. What kind of statement is that? LOL! Honestly I can say we are polar opposites, and we have nearly killed each other trying to understand how the other thinks over the last 7 yrs. Jon is Type A, everything needs to be done a certain way, and the very reason I fell in love with him is what drives me the craziest about him today! I told him one day "When I met you I was so impressed with how confident you were, but now I just think you're arrogant! See, this is where the personalities collide. I am laidback, go with the flow, and my attitude is "it will get done" I am laidback to the point of lazy. Yep that is right I said it! The past few months has made me evaluate our marriage, my heart, and my life. I want more. I want more for Jon, more for my kids, and more for my heart. It's good right now. Really good, but I want more. When Savannah was born very sick I think I fell in love with Jesus again. Funny isn't it? I knew He was my only hope. He could heal her, but He didn't. Not here. I hurt every single day, and there is not a moment in my day where she is not in my thoughts but I refuse to let the death of my daughter be the end of what God can do with me. I believe that God inhabits the praises of His people, and I plan to praise Him every, single day of my life until I die. God is my treasure, and in Him I will find my value. I will no longer compromise my integrity to belong. I want more because I choose Joy. I may not feel it, but God appropriated it and I Choose it! (Thank you, Beth Moore) When I die I want to stand in front of my God, and He greet me like my Dad does with a hug that is safe, and home. I don't want to be greeted by a long, forgotten friend because I chose to walk away from the relationship I could have had with Him because I was angry. I want it to be as amazing as I have always been told it's going to be. If I allow Him to use me- everything will change. I will be more. It could be really cool.

"By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abuntantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me." 1Cor 15:10

“I can’t find anywhere in the Word of God where it says a woman should get her sense of security, worth, or value from a place, possession, or position, or any person other than Jesus Christ.” Patsy Clairmont

Calgon and Spice and Everything Nice That's What Boys are Made of?

2007-04-01T21:52:00.001-05:00

I should have known growing up with two brothers that boys are adventurous and daring. My brothers shouldn't be alive after some of the things they have done. I call Jonathan, my older brother, Mr. Wizard. He is the kid that would watch The "Mr. Wizard Show" on Nickelodeon and try as many of the experiments as possible. I don't know how my parents had a home that stayed standing. Aaron was the daredevil. He was pushed of a fence once and popped his elbow out of socket and pushed it back into place himself. I see my brothers in my boys. Andrew is Jonathan and C.J. is Aaron's "mini me" Andrew has curiosity that amazes me. Drew came out of me exploring. He watched everything and I always said he went from rolling to crawling to climbing in about a week! He is a listener, and is so sharp. He started pre-k this year and at his first teacher's conference I just knew they would tell us he was crazy! Actually we got the he is so smart we need to keep him focused, and choices conference. RIGHT! This is how my story begins. I believe that this event happened during Fall Break. I was folding clothes in the bedroom when I heard the cabinets in my kitchen opening and closing. (CJ went through a stage where is played with my pots and pans) When I started putting clothes away I started to smell spices. (It always starts with a smell in my stories) I smelled oregano and liquid smoke. Our family room is a converted garage and so this room is enormous and has hiding places. When I found the boys they had mixed in a huge plastic bowl. Calgon soap, liquid smoke, oregano, bay leaves, salsa, and some sesame seed oil. I stood and watched them for a minute as they stirred that horrific mixture together, and as proud as he could be Drew said "MOM YOU GOTTA TRY THIS" I said yea! no! I hide all of the cleaning products! haha!

Baby book

2007-03-28T22:22:00.000-05:00

Baby book
Today was a wonderful and sad day. My friend Cindy offered to make Savannah's baby book; I accepted, she finished the book and gave it to me tonight. The book is so wonderful! It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I emailed a friend tonight and we were talking about Savannah's death. The grief process is different when you lose a child. When I lost my friend Cameron 7yrs ago to a car accident I had memories of when we were kids, times when we had laughed together, and times we competed against each other during Bible Bowl at church. He was my very first boyfriend when I was 5, and at 19 he came to my bridal room when I got married because he was going out with friends, he couldn't stay for the ceremony, but couldn't drive past the church and not see me. It was the last time I saw him-he was killed in a car accident 4 months later. I had that memory. When I lost Savannah I lost my hopes and dreams for her, and everything that I thought God had in store for her. No monumental memories. That is devastating. I will not lie. Losing anyone that changes your world- changes you. I had so much hope for Savannah just like I have for my other children. The night she died I was supposed to ride on the life flight helicopter with her, and Jon with our pastor Larry had left to meet us at the flight pad at St. Francis hospital in Tulsa. My parents stood at their van waiting for Savannah and me to get on the helicopter. That would never happen and they watched them, the life flight team, turn off the helicopter, and my parents came back inside the E.R. I was told my child would not survive. It was funny how many people start running for trash cans when I said "I am going to throw up!" I didn't throw up, but my heart dropped into my stomach. I called my husband and told him to come back to Broken Arrow. Then, the nurse told me to go into her room, and they asked me what I wanted. "What did I want?" I want her to BREATHE!! Inside I was screaming!! No, come on God not my girl. God, please heal her heart! Heal her heart! Savannah please breathe-breathe Savannah! What I actually said was don't stop until Jon comes back. Then, I bent over to my sweet Savannah's ear I told her how much I loved her, and I sang to her. I believe that she heard me until she heard angels sing. God took my baby at that moment and healed her. He made her new. No matter how much money we could have spent, or how many Doctors would or could treat her she would never be new or healed. This last month I have realized how much she reminded me of how we are as humans. Sometimes we look perfect on the outside, but our insides are a mess. I am not ashamed to say that she was a mess on the inside because she was. She was a sick little girl and she could only be healed by God. We as believers are the same. We are beautiful on the outside, but inside we are a mess, and that is why we need Jesus. Romans 5:20,21 says " Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." That was grace when God reached down and took my Savannah home. At that moment He changed her. He healed her. He made her new. God did the same thing when He sent Jesus. Because through our ugliness God loves us, so much that he reached down to change us, heal us, and make us new. There is not a greater love. Like a mother to her child. He loved us and gave His life for us. How could we ask for more?

Corn dogs and microwaves

2007-03-27T09:00:00.000-05:00

When I was a child I had several places that were wonderlands for me; Sam's is one of them. Think about it when entering this magical place the first thing that greets you is big screen T.V.s, jewelery counters, and tables upon tables of clothes. Scattered around this enormous place are nice little old ladies making little pizzas, cheese filled pretzels, and maybe some samples of cookies with M&M's in them. (I have a friend that specifically takes her child on Saturdays around lunchtime because the child could eat lunch while she shopped) It's always bothered me that I could buy a 2 carat diamond ring and a lifetime supply of peanut butter in the same place or a big screen T.V. and an economy size box of condoms.(That many condoms can be purchased I have done it and I have no shame in admitting that!) I compare it to a comedian that used to say why do they sell hot tubs at the state fair? When did a hot tub become an impulse buy? Seriously! Well the only reason that I write this little rant is to preface the story of what my blog is actually about. Also, let me say that going into Sam's without a specific list is not smart because suddenly a box of 50 Jimmy Dean sausage biscuits seems like a smart buy. So, I was driving home trying to figure out how I just blew $200 bucks on nothing, and my daughter Madison started the "I'm hungry" gripe, and I said we will have corn dogs when we get home. Arriving home with 3 children I begin to unload the van, the kids are running around like inmates who have taken over the asylum, so I don't need to tell you my nerves are shot! I have a habit a not unloading the groceries immediately upon getting home because I usually go hide in the bathroom to regain my sanity from the trip I have just taken with my children for a few minutes. While in the bathroom I started to wipe down the counter top, and just have a minute to myself. Bad, bad move.... While I hid Andrew cut open the box of 50 State fair corn dogs and removed it from its package and put it in the microwave; pushed the numbers for 90 minutes and walked away expecting to hear the beep when it was done being cooked. Do you know what happens when I corn dog stick stays in a microwave to long? It starts smoking, and the corn dog begins to burn, and burn and even spark a little. I came out of my room and smoke is billowing out of the microwave and my smoke alarm begins to go nuts. Andrew starts screaming I didn't mean to! I'm hungry! AAAAAGH! I have no shame in saying I stayed in the bathroom to long or that my children on a regular basis divide and conquer me, but they are mine and the stories seem really funny now. haha! I still haven't figured out how to get the burnt smell out of the house before my husband gets home from work, because the "what the heck happened?" look he gets on his face when he walks through the door and is hit by the whiff of burnt anything makes me go crazy! Then, I find myself sounding like a yappy dog. I JUST NEEDED A MINUTED TO MYSELF! DREW GOT HUNGRY! HE BURNT THE CORN DOG! THE MICROWAVE IS FINE! IT WASN'T A REAL FIRE! Jon rolls his eyes, opens the microwave to check if the top of the microwave is black and then walks away with a totally baffled look on his face. I have to make sure I make a list before I go to Sam's I may still have some sausage biscuits at the bottom of my deep freezer! LOL Never a dull moment- ever. Next, I will write what Body soap and random spices from the cupboard smell like when mixed together. Lovely........

The Magical World of Boys

2007-03-26T08:49:00.000-05:00

It has been an eventful weekend and I was a little giddy this morning when my children woke me up because I knew they were going back to school today!! WOOO HOOO! It's not that I don't enjoy my children at home, but it's the making sure they don't 1.) Burn the house down 2.) Play Mr.Wizard with anything they find in the fridge or my spice cabinet that tends to send me over the edge. Let me begin by saying that both have been either tried or done in my home. I will begin with my first story. HAHA! I have a daughter who just turned 7, and she came out sugar and spice and everything nice. I am serious Madison is laid back, go with the flow, and somewhat of a little momma. Drew came out in a black and white world with no gray areas and full of vinegar. Jon and Drew are more alike than Jon would like to admit, but both of their growls are worse than their bites. C.J. is my charmer, but just as naughty as Drew, but has an innocent face, so he slides by a lot. Drew is now 5, but when he was 3 he plugged in Jon's heating gun which looks like a hairdryer and heats to about 1500 degrees turned that sucker on and burnt about 50 holes in my carpet. I was in the kitchen doing dishes and I could not figure out why I was smelling burnt plastic. Walking through the house I was sniffing, looking, and searching for the reason for the smell then I see the smoke... When I got to the Family room I spot him, along with an envelope smoldering under my new leather couch, and my carpet burned to the cement. Shock is an understatement. After I blew out the envelope and made sure the carpet was not on fire I called Jon. HE BURNED HOLES IN THE CARPET!! Jon said what? I said with YOUR heating gun YOUR son burnt about 50 holes in the carpet!! Jon asked How in the world did he figure out how to use that heat gun? I said he is 3, he is not stupid! He watches me dry my hair everyday! My floor was ruined but Drew did not burn the furniture, himself, or his siblings. We had to replace the carpet....... Tomorrow I will write about what a corn dog will do in a microwave when the timer is set for 90 minutes. Good times.

Just so ya know

2007-03-24T22:05:00.000-05:00

My previous blog is all my postings from myspace. I cancelled my account but I enjoy the writing and it has been helpful to read since I lost Savannah. God has been good and I hope to write more in the next couple of days, and then write on a weekly or daily basis!!