All of my children are in school and I am full force in the PTA for Andrew, and Madison's school. I am fighting a sinus infection along with a three yr old that hid under the bed today because he was sad Boomer (our shih-tzu) would be lonely. I had to carry him into school today- late which I hate being late, and he didn't want to wear his shoes and so that was a battle also. I have stopped screaming at my children in the car that if they didn't stay in their seat the police were going to take Mommy to jail after my 5 yr. olds response was not of sadness but a "that doesn't sound like a bad idea" kind of statement! I realized they had called my bluff and I had lost the battle. Well the last couple of weeks have been insanity!! Starting with the Welcome Breakfast for the Teachers, Meet the Teacher day, Curriculum night, ending with a picnic on Thursday!! I will from now on appreciate these events more when I go to them because I now understand that there are people putting everything they have into these events, and good or bad they have sacrificed time with their kids which is what they are ultimately doing it for and instead of watching that extra TV show with the spouse they are double checking price and volunteer lists. A lot of hard work goes into these events!! I don't care if my kids remember every event I just want them to remember I was there and I cared enough to be part of it. Our society is so busy that we have lost that urge to slow down and enjoy our children. I don't do it often enough!I was so excited about Andrew going to Kindergarten that when I actually walked him to class I realized I needed a muffin to at the BOO HOO breakfast I was hosting!! I enjoy the PTA and volunteering, it is keeping me out of bed, showered, with make-up on, and that is a good thing!!

It's My Birthday

Well today, I turned 28. I am settled and believe that 28 is definitely going to be better than 27! If you know me at all you understand that this year is can I say it worth forgetting? Since I had Savannah and then ultimately she died I have lived in a worse case scenario lifestyle for the most part, and keep myself as busy as possible. Most days are really good- others I am not a true functioning member of society. Ha! Ha! We have worked really hard to maintain our sanity even when some of our "friends" tell people we have gone off the deep end. What exactly is the deep end and do they really have room or freedom to talk? Anyway! I have sat down a made a list of all the bad and good things that have happened to me this year so as you read all the good things know that I am praising God everyday for the good things and struggling to get past the bad. It has been a good birthday and it kind of felt like I was making New Year's resolutions the whole time. I choose life. I choose to get out of bed and color with my kids, I am choosing to cook. LOL I am choosing to love my husband with all of his faults. I am choosing to try as hard as I can to be the best wife for him. I choose my children. It has all been bittersweet. I miss her and I am often a little jealous of little babies in their little swimmers and intertubes. I long for that. Its the little things. Spf 60 suntan lotion, little summer dresses. I see her carseat all the time- Pink plaid with a daisy where her head would rest. Oh Lord! How my heart hurts and I am so thankful at the same time.

Bad -

Loss of Savannah -

Dirty house -

Lawn that needs to be mowed -

Fights with family

-

Good

My family is still together

My house will eventually be clean

Choosing to make new friends

Knowing we are not crazy

I am happy with myself

I love my church

I have a new hobby in the PTA LOL!!

God has provided new and existing wonderful friends that have taught me how real friends should act. I don't need to be around the people I used to hang around with. Sadly, they were let downs, and I choose not to be who I was anymore.

I am truly grateful for my family. What a gift from God my parents have been, and our pastor Larry and his wife Cindy who have loved us at our worst and lowest. Who treat us like their own children. We are a Grateful people.....

I believe the way that we have handled ourselves this year after the loss of our daughter has been the way God has wanted us to, and we will either be vindicated or justified in the end. So, frankly the people who think we are wrong can mind their business. We are doing the best we can with the lot that was handed to us. Some might not understand why I am writing what I am writing others will, but as God as might witness I will survive this.

Exploring

Hello, I must be in a writing mood!! I have written more in the last week then I have in a long time!! The kids are going to bible school this week which is absolutely wonderful for my sanity right now!! haha!! I love my kids but keeping them entertained during the summer is getting more and more difficult! My kids are just at the age where they can ride their bikes well, starting to feel really daring, but still not quite big enough to go anywhere but up the street. (We live in a double cult-te-sac so that is nice!!) Drew today, my daring one, decided he was going to ride his bike around the block without asking!! UM yea! I got sick to my stomach!!! He was gone before I could yell for him to come back!! I thought "What am I going to do?" I was watching my friends kids so I couldn't just hop in the car and go get him. So, I started walking towards the place he should be riding his bike too!! He got there. Let me first say that I told him to get off his bike and go to his room. When I got into his room I said: AND I QUOTE!! " Son let me first say how impressed I am that you rode your bike around the block that is really cool, but you scared me really bad because you just left without telling me. What if something would have happened to you? He then began crying and said I know I was very scared when I got around the block and so I kept riding until I found you!! I said we need to talk to Dad and find out how far you can ride from home but right now lets stay on our street. Then as nice as I could I said if you leave our street again I will wear your bottom out! Do you understand me. He said "uh-huh" I said I love you so much I would not want anything to happen to you. Lord help me is what I pray daily!! Haha!! Life is always such an adventure!! Well while the kids were at bible school I got a facial which was really nice. I don't really do that as often as I should!! Sometimes I feel like there is no real point!! haha! Anyway it was wonderful and I am going to buy some new makeup which is fun!! haha!! That was my day!! Life is good..

Just a note....

I have nothing really to say. I just needed a minute.
To all the women who have lost children and wanted to dig them up and hold them when you thought they were cold, or wet. You are not crazy.
To all the Mothers who have lost children and people stare at with pity - This to shall pass.
To all the Mothers who still love to hold babies but at the same time cannot stand the sight of them. You are fine
To all the Mothers whose dreams are lost. You will make new-different ones.
To all the Mothers who have lost a child and now struggle to be a good mom again to the children that are still living. Keep going.
To all the Mothers who just feel lost - You're not.
To all the Mothers who feel alone - You're not.
To all the Mothers who cry- cry until you feel better.
To all the Mothers who are so proud of their babies that just weren't strong enough to survive- Keep being proud.
To all the Mothers who have found strength in Christ. Keep believing that He is in Control. In your darkest moment let God shine through you- it might be the only Jesus people see.

To all my friends who love and pray for me..... Thank you, Sarah

A Little Rant

Oh! Blogdy , blog , blog..... This has been a rough week I don't know why but I just want to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth!! LOL! I am really ready to get a routine back for my kids!! I can take them swimming, let them play outside, and keep them up late but they still wake up with the sun!?! I don't get it!! Sleep already!! LOL! I just realized I may be getting old?! Whew! I said it!! My birthday is coming up and I will be one year closer to 30. *sniffle* I want a birthday party!! I haven't had one in forever!! Is it still allowed after 25? I have to admit I have been on a little pity party lately I want my girl back but it just is not going to happen. Ouch! I just want to know if she is held by Jesus daily, if Jon's mom holds her, or my dear sweet aunt that we called Sister loves on her daily? I want to know if she has met Job yet or Noah? Has she met Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John? What about Lullabys? I am getting closer and closer to her 1st birthday. Do we celebrate it? What do we do? Any suggestions? I don't know I still have a couple of months. I would like to think I am down to having bad moments but I am still having bad days. It is true. I think I am going to work out after the kids start school again. Sounds good. I have met some ladies in my neighborhood that are interested in walking I might start walking with them. I have got to live again. I haven't really cared. I don't really care about what people think of me right now. I just want to make sure my husband and kids are happy. I also think people who live in glass houses should not throw stones. Jon and .. are doing well and I am happy for that. Life right now is moving around us like a freight train and we are sticking together and I am proud of that. Most of the time we just feel like we have been hit by that train!! haha! Everyday is one foot in front of the other, good or bad, but hopefully one day we will finish our race and win the prize we are striving for. Pure joy in the presence of God. I am ready for that. Thanks for the rant.. Sarah

Hello friends!! Well it has been a while since I posted a blog and that is because I have three children two of which are boys whose main goal is what they can hang from or how many times mom has to come outside to turn off the hose. I keep yelling IT HAS RAINED QUIT PLAYING IN THE HOSE OUR BACKYARD IS ALREADY A SWAMP!! CJ (my 3yr old) giggles and runs away. My 5 yr old Andrew is as my friend Paula calls it an equal opportunity fighter it doesn't matter if you are black, white, Hispanic, younger, older, male or female he wants to fight you and at any moment could ruin some guys ability to have children. I keep saying "son you can't punch your dad there it hurts him" (as my husband is bent over gasping for air) I then try not to giggle. Drew fights with Maddie, CJ, and managed to "wrestle" with a boy he just met at my father in law's church's 50 yr anniversary service. Also, at one point in time I caught my boys trying to get to the baptismal room so they could "see the water" I could just see them taking a flying leap into that symbol of "buried with Christ in Baptism and raised to walk in newness of life" Well we went on vacation last week to Alabama with my parents and it was a wonderful departure of real life. The kids got to fish, run around and get dirty and meet family they have never met before it was wonderful!! The 12 hour drive went amazingly well!! The person who came up with the portable DVD player should win the Nobel Peace prize! Well, on the Maddie front I am a little saddened to say that my 7yr old daughter at lunch yesterday said that she doesn't want to take dance lessons she wants to learn to dirt bike race!! I have failed as a mother!! LOL I mean I painted her room pink, I made her wear hair bows, and most of her barbies still have their heads but for Pete's sake!! DIRT BIKES!!! She is not allowed to watch motor cross or "Pinks" with Jon any more!! I have to have one year where that child wears a freakin tutu!!!!!! It is my right as a mother with a daughter to make her dance and get those for picture and humilation purposes when she is older right?!! Oh well!! It could be worse!! haha!
Well I am off to take the kids swimming and improve my tan!! LOL I hope to write more soon!! Thanks!! Gotta go one of the boys is hanging from something!!! Sarah

8 yrs later

Tomorrow June 12, 2007 will be Jon and I's 8th wedding anniversary!! WOOHOO!! I believe a notch to your belt every year should be celebrated and cheered for. Marriage is hard work. It clearly is the hardest job I will ever have besides being a mother. There are days I love every ounce of Jon the minute he steps in the room, I can't get enough of him, and other days I can't stand the very floor he stands on!! When I think of Jon these are some of the things that I think of - best friend, worst enemy, my biggest competitor, faithful teamate, arrogant, humble when he needs to be, protector, lover, father to my babies, umbrella from the rain of this world, bark worse than his bite, jack of all trades, will help anyone, and loves me often times saving me from myself - husband! When he came into my life I wanted nothing more than to hold his hand and follow him for the rest of my life. If you have ever met Jon he at times can be abrasive, but I have never seen a person like him. He will drop what he is doing to help someone in need. It is his most endearing and annoying quality. We have been through a lot in the last 8 yrs. Having 4 children- one which we had no choice but to let her go be with Jesus. I watched my husband with everything he had try to breathe life back into our girl but to no avail she was already gone. He gave 110% just like he does with everything and still lost that battle. He remains my hero. In our darkest moment we promised to be each others #1. We have watched his mother suffer from cancer and ultimately succumb to her illness and still he remained strong. I have seen him broken, and at his darkest moment look at me at tell me how much he loved me. That is a good man. He doesn't shmooze.. He is what he is.. . take him or leave him. He is confident, never jealous. I love to see his eyes change their look when Madison walks in the room. She was a daddy's girl her first day of life. She makes his day. I love to watch our boys try to be like him. Big, strong, tough, and sometimes grouchy! Haha!! All so very tenderhearted though!! In our 8yrs of marriage I have wanted to kill him, and I have sometimes wanted to leave, but I have realized how messed up I am for him!! I would be good for no one else because I was made to be with him He is pretty messed up for me too!! What a beautiful mess we are in!! I would have changed a lot about the last year, but not for one moment did I ever want to have survived or faced this without him. Everyday I push to be a better wife!! I would drop anyone that could come between us without a second glance, and I have. So, thank you Jon for the last 8yrs. I can't wait to celebrate 50 with you. What a day that will be. You are my heart. You are what I dreamed for as a little girl, and I thank you for loving me as I am. We are so very, very blessed....