Sunday, August 12, 2007

It's My Birthday

Well today, I turned 28. I am settled and believe that 28 is definitely going to be better than 27! If you know me at all you understand that this year is can I say it worth forgetting? Since I had Savannah and then ultimately she died I have lived in a worse case scenario lifestyle for the most part, and keep myself as busy as possible. Most days are really good- others I am not a true functioning member of society. Ha! Ha! We have worked really hard to maintain our sanity even when some of our "friends" tell people we have gone off the deep end. What exactly is the deep end and do they really have room or freedom to talk? Anyway! I have sat down a made a list of all the bad and good things that have happened to me this year so as you read all the good things know that I am praising God everyday for the good things and struggling to get past the bad. It has been a good birthday and it kind of felt like I was making New Year's resolutions the whole time. I choose life. I choose to get out of bed and color with my kids, I am choosing to cook. LOL I am choosing to love my husband with all of his faults. I am choosing to try as hard as I can to be the best wife for him. I choose my children. It has all been bittersweet. I miss her and I am often a little jealous of little babies in their little swimmers and intertubes. I long for that. Its the little things. Spf 60 suntan lotion, little summer dresses. I see her carseat all the time- Pink plaid with a daisy where her head would rest. Oh Lord! How my heart hurts and I am so thankful at the same time.

Bad -
Loss of Savannah -
Dirty house -
Lawn that needs to be mowed -
Fights with family
My family is still together
My house will eventually be clean
Choosing to make new friends
Knowing we are not crazy
I am happy with myself
I love my church
I have a new hobby in the PTA LOL!!
God has provided new and existing wonderful friends that have taught me how real friends should act. I don't need to be around the people I used to hang around with. Sadly, they were let downs, and I choose not to be who I was anymore.
I am truly grateful for my family. What a gift from God my parents have been, and our pastor Larry and his wife Cindy who have loved us at our worst and lowest. Who treat us like their own children. We are a Grateful people.....
I believe the way that we have handled ourselves this year after the loss of our daughter has been the way God has wanted us to, and we will either be vindicated or justified in the end. So, frankly the people who think we are wrong can mind their business. We are doing the best we can with the lot that was handed to us. Some might not understand why I am writing what I am writing others will, but as God as might witness I will survive this.


Heather said...

UGG I just wrote a long deal, and it deleted :(
So in a nutshell:

BIG BIG Hugs to you Sarah! I really hope you had a good birthday with your family and your true friends! I really admire you for letting go of the people who called themselves friends yet haven't supported the way that you have chosen to grieve. Those people have not been in your exact situation, and even if they had, God choses to use people in different ways, and this is the path and the way He has made for you guys to get thru this! Just do know that even tho you might not see it everyday, there are people like me who are still praying for strength each day for you and your family....there are people who love you unconditionally and will support every part of your life!!

Maybe we could get together for a 'mama's hour out' or something and go grab coffee or dinner or something...just us girls! It'd be fun if we can manage to get the kids watched :)

Ramblings of a stay at home mom said...

I would love to get together!! I love reading about your precious babies they are so wonderful! I love watching Elle sing!! MOVIE STAR!!