Hey another 2 lbs I lost this week!!! YEAAAAA!!! I needed that excitement!! I am up to 13lbs lost!! Very cool!! I am going to get to play with my kids and keep up!! I love it!! The walking/running starts soon!! Get in some real shape!! Woo hooo!!!
Definition of torture anguish of body or mind : agony b: something that causes agony or pain.
I did that to my children tonight!! I took all three of my children to skate night!! Can any of them skate? No! Did they try? Yes. At the expense of my body? Yes!! Did we have fun!! YOU BET!! We laughed all night!! CJ my four year old got the skates you can keep your shoes on with and he was gone and skated most of the night!! Drew wanted to play the video games and Madison was a trooper and kept going and going!! I skated too and told my kids to tell Jon I won the races!! LOL No not really!! LOL They were so fun tonight!! While on the way home CJ said "Mom I don't feel good" I said what hurts baby? He said "My bottom!!" I laughed out loud!! They ran in to tell Jon how much fun they had! It was soooo worth it!! I gotta go soak my feet!! LOL
So here is the deal.. When Savannah died I was told a number of things, 1st get marital counseling because there is an 84% divorce rate when a couple loses a child (uphill battle you think?), get on an antidepressant, and start a journal. A lot of other advice was given but in the cloud of that time I can't remember or I chose not too. Therefore, I am doing one of the three things we were advised to do I started blogging. I am not saying that we have not sought the advice of our pastor or I have not taken an antidepressant- just right now we are very blessed in how God has preserved our marriage and our sanity. However, some of the hurt I feel is so wrapped around my heart that I NEED to write, and open a wound to see it begin to heal. So, here it goes!! I am an excellent smile at your own expense person. I talk when I need to and frankly I talk about Savannah a lot - she was a part of me, but I often seem to leave out the deep, take my breath away hurt I truly feel, so today I am admitting that friends I need a reprieve from my grief this week. I need the fact that she is never coming back to leave my brain right now because it is consuming me. I am in a state AGAIN of why did this happen to us? I struggled this week to maintain a happy heart. (Because Prov 15:13 says A happy heart makes the face cheerful!) It was Valentine's day this week- hear me out.. I was cleaning out my car on Saturday and saw a little picture of CJ that had his picture with puzzle pieces around it that said "You will always have a piece of my heart" and it hit me; in my car, at that moment, I realized that I was never going to get something like that from her. I have talked about the first day of kindergarten, first sport, first date, prom, wedding but it never crossed my mind the amount of sadness I would feel over the little things. Is it possible to be jealous of Jesus? Whew! I said it.. I am jealous that He sees her every moment of everyday. See when she was alive I lived day in and day out believing that she would be healed. I honestly believed that I would walk into the NICU and the Dr would say "Our bad Mrs. Martin your baby is fine- take her home!" We lived 5 weeks driving to and from the hospital 3-4 times a day, and my dad kept asking Have you yelled at God yet and asked why? He is a big God, and He can handle your anger. At one point I did yell and scream. That was December 19th, 2006. She died on the early morning of the 21st. My Dad later asked again not long after she died if I had gotten angry, screamed and yelled at God and I said "Yes Dad I did and she died. How do I change that? How do I fix that? What do I yell at Him now? She's gone! Don't you think it is a little intimidating to scream and yell again? I have said this time and time again it never in a million years dawned on me that this would be the way He chose to heal her. See I think the stage I am in now is that I am starting to move on and it kind of ticks me off. I don't want to get farther away from her I want to get closer. I wanted to fight everyday for her. I wanted that little person to be a ooooh! Martin kid! LOL! If you have met my kids you understand the last statement. Another issue I have seemed to have embarked on is a baby boom at my church, and well frankly everywhere!! LOL! Lots of pregnant ladies! See I can't have children anymore, after a baby is born with a heart defect the percentage goes up for having another child with a heart related issue; we didn't want to face that possibility again. Plus, we had already decided she was our last so, the decision to stop having kids was already made before I had her. We did not want to "replace" her. So, now I am now dealing with the "new season" of my life Blah! All of my children are potty trained, can dress themselves, and are children- not babies. It is hard, sad, and exciting, but I also told my husband that I didn't want to personally have anymore children but if someone set a baby on our doorstep it would not bother me one bit. He rolled his eyes at me! It is hard-I wanted that sweet little girl with all of my heart. I didn't care if she was sick. I didn't and I would have done anything for her. I have lived the last year trying to praise Him and trying to comprehend that God loved her even more than me, her mother, and knew what was ultimately best for her. So I am admitting that today, this week, this moment is hard, almost breath taking. I admit it... I am angry. The questions with no answers consume me; but I will continue to live off the verse from John 9 that says "It was not his sins, or his parents sins that caused him to be blind from birth- It was so I may be glorified" I am in a valley right now- and with all my heart I am seeking His answers, His approval, His grace, but I understand that I may never see His answers until I see Him. Hard? Yes.
Well I gained a pound this week! GERR!! I didn't cry during the meeting but I certainly cried in the van!! LOL It has been a stressful week some personal stuff that we have been dealing with and I am a stress eater! I just need to pay more attention to what I am putting in my mouth! I need to be drinking more water and just paying attention!! We are over a birthday so cake is getting thrown away really soon!! I didn't eat much but I would like to keep it that way! Plus, my kids don't need all that sugar! Well I was down today but tomorrow is going to be different. It's a new day!
Well Friday was the first hard day I have had in a long time. Savannah would have been 15 months old. It is amazing to think what she would be doing right now. I daydream sometimes..... I have kept myself really, really busy lately. Since the 1 yr anniversary on December 21st I have kinda moved into a new frame of mind. It is selfish but one friend said that this should be the year of "me." I don't know if I like that term or not. I intend to lose weight, how much I don't know yet. I want to be healthy and feel good. I have been doing Weight Watchers and praying a lot so we will see. I am up to 10lbs lost. I have a lot to go but like I said grief eating has not helped at all!! I did the hospitality room for Drew's wrestling club; we hosted a tournament at the end of January- I fed between 150-200 people it was big and I think I did ok. I am still President of the PTA at the kid's school so that keeps me realitivly on my toes, and I was on the nominating commitee for the new Broken Arrow PTA board. It didn't take up much of my time, but there was a lot of thought to who should be the board over all the Broken Arrow PTA's so I wanted to help make a good decision. Jon and I are doing good. We are in a really good place in our marriage right now. It will be 9 years in June and I can't imagine one day without him. I spoke to a woman who lost her husband almost a year ago and she made the statement " He was the love of my life- I am just adjusting to being alone because no one can fill his place." That my friends is a road I don't want to cross for another 60 years if ever. Maybe Jesus will come back and we can go together. It hurts my heart for her I told her I know how I feel losing a child I can't imagine losing a spouse. I just know that God has really saved us. Not even in a salvation sense this time, but just helped us and our ability to keep going. On another happy/sad note- CJ will be 4 on Tuesday. He says "Mom don't call me baby- I am a big boy!" He is a big boy! I will doing my ode to CJ on Tuesday with pictures of him and I am sure a story of something terribly naughty or extremely funny that he has done. My kids light up my world- they are wonderful and I am so lucky. I am truly blessed. OH! On the HeartWalk note: I am really close to my HeartWalk 2008 goal. I have $300 and my goal is $500!! I am amazed at the outpouring of love in this goal of mine!! I will be walking 3 miles on April 12, 2008!! I will put the website on this blog again!! If you can't donate that is ok. I just love showing Savannah off a little! We are grateful people, and I just want to help in anyway I can for this project. We may not have been able to save our little girl, but maybe we can save someone else's.
I am so excited I am only $225 away from reaching my goal for the heartwalk in April!!! How exciting!! I have been working on my weight loss and training to get ready for this walk!!! I am so excited!!! Check out my site!!!!!
I am married with 3 kids which growing up I never thought I was going to do. I am in the PTA and love it, I go to practices and I love it, and I wear buttons with my childrens picture on it and I love that too! I am trying to live for Jesus everyday and hope that seeps into them. We'll see?!