Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Baby book

Baby book
Today was a wonderful and sad day. My friend Cindy offered to make Savannah's baby book; I accepted, she finished the book and gave it to me tonight. The book is so wonderful! It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I emailed a friend tonight and we were talking about Savannah's death. The grief process is different when you lose a child. When I lost my friend Cameron 7yrs ago to a car accident I had memories of when we were kids, times when we had laughed together, and times we competed against each other during Bible Bowl at church. He was my very first boyfriend when I was 5, and at 19 he came to my bridal room when I got married because he was going out with friends, he couldn't stay for the ceremony, but couldn't drive past the church and not see me. It was the last time I saw him-he was killed in a car accident 4 months later. I had that memory. When I lost Savannah I lost my hopes and dreams for her, and everything that I thought God had in store for her. No monumental memories. That is devastating. I will not lie. Losing anyone that changes your world- changes you. I had so much hope for Savannah just like I have for my other children. The night she died I was supposed to ride on the life flight helicopter with her, and Jon with our pastor Larry had left to meet us at the flight pad at St. Francis hospital in Tulsa. My parents stood at their van waiting for Savannah and me to get on the helicopter. That would never happen and they watched them, the life flight team, turn off the helicopter, and my parents came back inside the E.R. I was told my child would not survive. It was funny how many people start running for trash cans when I said "I am going to throw up!" I didn't throw up, but my heart dropped into my stomach. I called my husband and told him to come back to Broken Arrow. Then, the nurse told me to go into her room, and they asked me what I wanted. "What did I want?" I want her to BREATHE!! Inside I was screaming!! No, come on God not my girl. God, please heal her heart! Heal her heart! Savannah please breathe-breathe Savannah! What I actually said was don't stop until Jon comes back. Then, I bent over to my sweet Savannah's ear I told her how much I loved her, and I sang to her. I believe that she heard me until she heard angels sing. God took my baby at that moment and healed her. He made her new. No matter how much money we could have spent, or how many Doctors would or could treat her she would never be new or healed. This last month I have realized how much she reminded me of how we are as humans. Sometimes we look perfect on the outside, but our insides are a mess. I am not ashamed to say that she was a mess on the inside because she was. She was a sick little girl and she could only be healed by God. We as believers are the same. We are beautiful on the outside, but inside we are a mess, and that is why we need Jesus. Romans 5:20,21 says " Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." That was grace when God reached down and took my Savannah home. At that moment He changed her. He healed her. He made her new. God did the same thing when He sent Jesus. Because through our ugliness God loves us, so much that he reached down to change us, heal us, and make us new. There is not a greater love. Like a mother to her child. He loved us and gave His life for us. How could we ask for more?

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Corn dogs and microwaves

When I was a child I had several places that were wonderlands for me; Sam's is one of them. Think about it when entering this magical place the first thing that greets you is big screen T.V.s, jewelery counters, and tables upon tables of clothes. Scattered around this enormous place are nice little old ladies making little pizzas, cheese filled pretzels, and maybe some samples of cookies with M&M's in them. (I have a friend that specifically takes her child on Saturdays around lunchtime because the child could eat lunch while she shopped) It's always bothered me that I could buy a 2 carat diamond ring and a lifetime supply of peanut butter in the same place or a big screen T.V. and an economy size box of condoms.(That many condoms can be purchased I have done it and I have no shame in admitting that!) I compare it to a comedian that used to say why do they sell hot tubs at the state fair? When did a hot tub become an impulse buy? Seriously! Well the only reason that I write this little rant is to preface the story of what my blog is actually about. Also, let me say that going into Sam's without a specific list is not smart because suddenly a box of 50 Jimmy Dean sausage biscuits seems like a smart buy. So, I was driving home trying to figure out how I just blew $200 bucks on nothing, and my daughter Madison started the "I'm hungry" gripe, and I said we will have corn dogs when we get home. Arriving home with 3 children I begin to unload the van, the kids are running around like inmates who have taken over the asylum, so I don't need to tell you my nerves are shot! I have a habit a not unloading the groceries immediately upon getting home because I usually go hide in the bathroom to regain my sanity from the trip I have just taken with my children for a few minutes. While in the bathroom I started to wipe down the counter top, and just have a minute to myself. Bad, bad move.... While I hid Andrew cut open the box of 50 State fair corn dogs and removed it from its package and put it in the microwave; pushed the numbers for 90 minutes and walked away expecting to hear the beep when it was done being cooked. Do you know what happens when I corn dog stick stays in a microwave to long? It starts smoking, and the corn dog begins to burn, and burn and even spark a little. I came out of my room and smoke is billowing out of the microwave and my smoke alarm begins to go nuts. Andrew starts screaming I didn't mean to! I'm hungry! AAAAAGH! I have no shame in saying I stayed in the bathroom to long or that my children on a regular basis divide and conquer me, but they are mine and the stories seem really funny now. haha! I still haven't figured out how to get the burnt smell out of the house before my husband gets home from work, because the "what the heck happened?" look he gets on his face when he walks through the door and is hit by the whiff of burnt anything makes me go crazy! Then, I find myself sounding like a yappy dog. I JUST NEEDED A MINUTED TO MYSELF! DREW GOT HUNGRY! HE BURNT THE CORN DOG! THE MICROWAVE IS FINE! IT WASN'T A REAL FIRE! Jon rolls his eyes, opens the microwave to check if the top of the microwave is black and then walks away with a totally baffled look on his face. I have to make sure I make a list before I go to Sam's I may still have some sausage biscuits at the bottom of my deep freezer! LOL Never a dull moment- ever. Next, I will write what Body soap and random spices from the cupboard smell like when mixed together. Lovely........

Monday, March 26, 2007

The Magical World of Boys

It has been an eventful weekend and I was a little giddy this morning when my children woke me up because I knew they were going back to school today!! WOOO HOOO! It's not that I don't enjoy my children at home, but it's the making sure they don't 1.) Burn the house down 2.) Play Mr.Wizard with anything they find in the fridge or my spice cabinet that tends to send me over the edge. Let me begin by saying that both have been either tried or done in my home. I will begin with my first story. HAHA! I have a daughter who just turned 7, and she came out sugar and spice and everything nice. I am serious Madison is laid back, go with the flow, and somewhat of a little momma. Drew came out in a black and white world with no gray areas and full of vinegar. Jon and Drew are more alike than Jon would like to admit, but both of their growls are worse than their bites. C.J. is my charmer, but just as naughty as Drew, but has an innocent face, so he slides by a lot. Drew is now 5, but when he was 3 he plugged in Jon's heating gun which looks like a hairdryer and heats to about 1500 degrees turned that sucker on and burnt about 50 holes in my carpet. I was in the kitchen doing dishes and I could not figure out why I was smelling burnt plastic. Walking through the house I was sniffing, looking, and searching for the reason for the smell then I see the smoke... When I got to the Family room I spot him, along with an envelope smoldering under my new leather couch, and my carpet burned to the cement. Shock is an understatement. After I blew out the envelope and made sure the carpet was not on fire I called Jon. HE BURNED HOLES IN THE CARPET!! Jon said what? I said with YOUR heating gun YOUR son burnt about 50 holes in the carpet!! Jon asked How in the world did he figure out how to use that heat gun? I said he is 3, he is not stupid! He watches me dry my hair everyday! My floor was ruined but Drew did not burn the furniture, himself, or his siblings. We had to replace the carpet....... Tomorrow I will write about what a corn dog will do in a microwave when the timer is set for 90 minutes. Good times.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Just so ya know

My previous blog is all my postings from myspace. I cancelled my account but I enjoy the writing and it has been helpful to read since I lost Savannah. God has been good and I hope to write more in the next couple of days, and then write on a weekly or daily basis!!
Monday, February 26, 2007
Skating parties Current mood: Good
I am trying to be a involved parent, but I swear to Pete that school skating parties are torture!! I am serious I paid money for my kids to go to this party and Jon had to come get Andrew, and I just prayed for Madison to go around the rink once! Just once!! I watched as kids subjected themselves to horrible falls, running up against the walls, and just plain torture to themselves on skates. I laughed the whole time and thought Maddie should have brought butt pads!! haha!! I am a terrible mother because of the grins I got out of this evening!! By the way I love those freakin pretzels at the concession stand!! haha

Saturday,February 17, 2007
Song I Heard Current mood: peaceful
I hurt the sweetest song last weekend and just really blessed my heart.
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby.. You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby.. Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we're home with you… Until we're home with you…
Miss you everyday Miss you in every way But we know there's aday when we will hold you We will hold you You'll kiss our tears away When we're home to stay Can't wait for the day when we will see you We will see you But baby let sweet Jesus hold you'till mom and dad can hold you… You'll just have heaven before we do You'll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it's hard tounderstand it 'cause we're hurting We are hurting But there is healing And we know we're stronger people through the growing And in knowing- That all things work together for our good And God works His purposes just like He said He would… Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE: I can't imagine heaven's lullabies and what they must sound like But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home And it's all you'll ever know…all you'll ever know…

Saturday, February 17, 2007
Depression is not becoming. Current mood: sad Category: Life
Whew!! The last two weeks have been needless to say poopy! Yea, I said it POOPY!! Well we learned two weeks ago that Savannah would not be getting a Social Security Card because she was "dropped in the system" and they won't issue a card or number to a deceased person. I learned this information after I sat in the Social Security Administration for an hour, and she said that she wasn't in the system. I called the day before and they told me she had a number but they would not give it to me over the phone which is why I came to that building. So the lady handed me a number for the IRS and told me to get her a tax i.d. number so I could file our taxes. A tax i.d. number? That's it? Sadly, she is a one time deduction on our taxes for this year alone. My poor husband got my frantic call SHE WON'T HAVE A NUMBER!! THEY WON'T ISSUE HER A CARD! IT'S LIKE SHE DIDN'T EXIST!! I know it's not true because she touched so many people's lives, but all I want is anything and everything that could possibly have her name on it so she won't be forgotten or worse seem like she never existed. We have to paper file and send in her birth certificate, and in her social security line it says deceased. Adding insult to injury her birth certificate said she was male!! (We got that fixed thank goodness!!) Lately, the thought has consumed me Why my kid? why? why? why? I may never know, but you can bet everyday I ask God to reveal that to me. I hate that it is so cold outside because they can't lay her headstone because the ground is cold and the cement won't set. Can you believe I am talking about this? I should be talking about how I am so tired because she won't sleep through the night, or that she started to giggle. I have to talk about how I am anxious to see my child's headstone with her name on it and whether the grass has grown back over her little grave. I have lost my dang mind! Yea, I read a lot right now over stages of grief- blah, blah! If you know me I talk a lot, but right now I am in the make everyone feel uncomfortable when I talk about my feelings stage. I can see it on people's faces that they have heard enough but I can't stop talking about her. I told Jon the other night I should have held her longer. I should have never left her on that bed waiting for the Medical Examiner to pick her up and take her. I should have stayed until she left, but I was the one who left that hospital first. - Lost- I would have changed a lot of things, but it just isn't my call. I trust God, but why my kid? The harder I try to get back into life the more my body wants to stay in bed. Yea it's grief and right now I am consumed by it. I am hoping tomorrow will be better. How many more weeks until spring?

Friday, January 12, 2007
I need a shout out!! LOL I TOOK THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS DOWN! WOO HOO! It helped that my two year old pulled all the greenery off my fireplace mantel shattering candles and almost all of my Christmas figurines!! LOL I said ok God I will take it down jeese!! LOL Everything is safely packed and back in the attic! Yea!! Let the rearranging of the furniture begin. My husband is going to love me!! (He hates when I move things around) Good luck all the Tulsa area people it looks like we got some ice coming our way! Enjoy the laziness on your couches, and movie watching bliss with your sweetie!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Well God is good. I am still getting out of bed, and I walked my kids to school today. Yea!!! I haven't taken my Christmas tree down yet. I know I should but that would mean that Christmas would be a memory, and Savannah would still be gone. Most of the time I am ok, but then it hits like a ton of bricks that we actually lost our baby, and I have trouble breathing. Well Sunday was a tough day my friend Carrie, who had her baby right after Christmas, came to church. I dodged her before church, but during church I sat behind her and watched her rock her sweet baby back and forth while Larry preached. At one moment I rocked with her, but caught myself and stopped. After the service I waited until almost everyone in church had left and I felt that I'd avoided her long enough. It was time to put on my big girl pants and congratulate my friend. I picked up her new baby and began to rock back and forth. I closed my eyes and I rocked her. I imagined my Savannah, and for that moment I was with her again. Carrie left to make her a bottle, so I rocked and cried by myself. Then, I opened my eyes and I was back in church holding my friend's baby- not my Savannah. My heart hurts. A mom at CJ's school asked today "Weren't you pregnant? Where is your baby? Whew! I just smiled and let my friend explain. I have done really well, but today I couldn't talk. Monday, I had a small panic attack - I felt my chest tighten, I got cold and clammy, and I started to sweat. I couldn't get my thoughts under control, and I didn't want to embarass myself, so I gathered my children and left. I could really handle death if there was no grief. haha! I am so happy and so sad that I fell completely in love with her because she was mine for a moment and now she is in the arms of Jesus, but I am still here. What is left for me? How am I going to be the mom I was when I feel like I have failed so miserably? I loved her the moment I saw her, but actually I fell in love with her the minute I knew she was in me. Well, I started a bible study Sunday on the book of Daniel, and today I decided I am going to study about Esther. I want to drown in something right now and if it's Jesus I know I won't lose what is left of my sanity. I want to glorify Him even in my darkest moments, and right now my heart hurts so bad sometimes it takes my breath away. I believe God is taking care of me, but right now I am broken. My husband is wonderful, my parents, my brothers, my sister-in-law, and my friends are amazing, and I am lucky to have them. Aimee reminds me daily that I am not losing my mind she is my sister-in-law and best friend that lost her baby too. Now we belong to a strange "club" that no one understands we did not ask to join, but will belong to forever. We have something in common, and we can share it without making the other feel uncomfortable. I am coming to understand that I (in this life ) will never hear my daughter giggle at me when I make funny faces, she will never hold my hand to cross the street, she will never bring home a 100 on a spelling test we practiced on for 3 days, she will never go on her first date, never go to prom, never fall in love, never get married, and never make me a Grandma. Aimee is teaching me how to make a new normal, and I love her for that. She and Amanda call me everyday to make sure I am ok, I cherish them, and they are my best friends. I have fallen in love with my church again. I always knew it was my home, but the way we were taken care of during her birth and death sealed the deal. Everyone there is family I love them. Thank you for letting me share a little of my heart. Sarah

Pray Current mood: hopeful
OK so I have a prayer request! Pray for Jon and I we have started this really amazing study on Daniel. We were asked to give up something for the 6 weeks of the study. I gave up pop ALL POP! Jon has given up beef. That is what we feel like God wants us to do. Pray we learn and embrace what God wants for us in our lives. We are learning our "new normal" since we have lost our Savannah. Pray we never ever ever ever give up! I am learning to trust in God for everything, and that means I am learning to pray over everything. If you want me to pray for you let me know! It would bless my heart! We are doing well. We made it through the holidays and we are starting the new year excited about what God has in store for us

Friday, December 29, 2006
hello Current mood: numb Category: Life
I haven't found the words yet to update everyone, but I am trying.
1. We survived Christmas. It was awesome! We have great family
2. When we got the report for the Medical Examiner we found out that Savannah had a lot more problems than anyone even realized.
3. There was nothing we could have done.
4. Her shunt and PDA were in perfect condition. The surgeon had done his job, and had done it well.
5. She only had one kidney, no uterus, ovaries and we believe a neurological disorder. The "electrodes" in her brain were not able to connect to tell her to take a breath.
6. I am living hour to hour.
7. Forgive me if I seem abrasive. I don't know how to act right now.
8. Heaven seems really far away.
9. My goal is to be the best mom I can be to the children that are still here with me.
10. Please pray for us. Thank you, Sarah

Thursday, December 21, 2006
Loss Current mood: shocked
Well, we lost our Savannah early this morning. She stopped breathing and Jon did CPR until the paramedics got to our home. They continued CPR for another hour and she was never able to recover. She was just too tired. We think that she might of had a blood clot from her shunt or her heart began to spasm and she was not able to bounce back. We were so blessed to have been taken care of by such a wonderful group of doctors and nurses. Our family, friends, and church family have surrounded us with such love. I don't know why this happened and frankly I'm a little frustrated, but God is taking care of us. We will have a graveside service for her on Friday, Dec. 22, at Memorial Park Cemetery in Tulsa at 3. Then, on Saturday we will have a Memorial Service at Northside Christian Church at 11am. Thank you for everyone that has prayed for us. Please pray for us to have peace beyond all understanding. Thanks, Sarah

Sunday, December 10, 2006
WHEW! We made it!
Well, we made it through our first heart surgery! Yea! Miss Savannah has proven herself to be a very tough little girl!! She did very well! The Doctor called Jon around 10:30 last night and told us that she was doing good, and that she would be on the ventelator for 2-3 days and today he took it out because she was breathing so good on her own. Her SATS have stayed in the mid to high 80's off and on all day, which is great! (Some 70's but that is good too) God has taken such good care of us, and we have been at such a peace about everything. My heart hurts a little because we found out that she is going to need more than one open heart surgery. It hurts to think about! Well we are hoping she goes back to the NICU for her final week or so. Our prayer is that she will be home for Christmas! She will not be able to leave the house for about 6-8 weeks and will require RSV shots and a lot of other special things for her new life at home out of the hospital! Pray we keep our sanity!! It has been a little tense the last couple of days and nerves seem to be shot!! I will update more later!! YEA!! SAVANNAH!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006
D-Day Current mood: peaceful
It's time friends..... Pray for calm hands. Pray for direction. Pray for peaceful hearts. She will be ours soon ready to torment her siblings, and cause us lots of grief. We love all of you and we are thankful for all the continued prayer. Have a great day. I will update everyone soon........

Monday, December 04, 2006
How's the Girl doing?
Well it has been a little bit since the last time I have posted an update on Savannah. No surgery yet. EER! It is ok though because each day she is getting bigger and stronger. Last night she weighed in at a whopping 5lbs 11oz!! WOO HOO! She is probably going to lose a litte of that because the nurse said she is retaining some fluid because she is a heart patient. We were told that it could be this week! So exciting and so scary at the same time. It's like I told my husband it is one thing to be excited and "ready" for her surgery it is a whole other thing to actually put her in the incubator and watch her being pushed away. Right now a little sickening, but in the end all worth it. Well with the big snow, my house is totally destroyed and my dryer stopped working Saturday night! Yikes! When it rains it pours!! We are still doing good and God continues to show His love and grace every single day. Keep Banna in your prayers-Having her home for Christmas would be awesome!!

Saturday, November 25, 2006
She's growing!! YEA!! Current mood: excited Category: Blogging
Alright everybody here is some news! Savannah weighed in at 4lbs. 13.4 ounces tonight!! YEA!! We are just needing about 3 more ounces!! We are hoping everything happens within the week!! Everyone continue to keep us in your prayers! God is good! She pulled her feeding tube out herself 3 days ago and they haven't put it back in because she is eating so well by herself!! I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I hope you ate to much and got to spend time with your family or friends! I got to spend time with family, but I always wish I can spend more time with my parents, and brothers and sister-in-law, because I am selfish!! LOL I am so blessed by my family and they don't even know it. They made me laugh and want to be there when I didn't want to get out of bed on Thanksgiving. I just wish there where more hours in the day to spend more hours laughing about things we did as kids!! I didn't get to tell them how thankful I am for them. Now they know!! I love you guys.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Just thinking Current mood: contemplative Category: Blogging
There are only two times in my life where I can tell you I felt like my life started. Actually, it would be 5 times. First, when I became a christian. There was no supernatural change, no glossy skew in my vision, no sunlight and roses just that I felt I was new. Then the 4 other times would be my kids. Madison humbled me: nothing but my husband and daughter mattered after she was born we had become a family. Drew came out full of vinegar, my future CEO, no gray area in any part of his life, no compromise. He will be a great leader. CJ is like plastic he's been bouncing off things since we brought him home! He'll do anything for a laugh, and most of the time is full of smiles, Savannah I don't know yet. So far she has a very sweet disposition, but I don't know if that is because her heart doesn't give her the energy to give grief yet! I can't wait for the grief. The saying is true that when you have children they become a walking example of your heart in the world. When they hurt I hurt when they cry I cry. The most helpless feeling in the world is seeing your child hooked up to every type of monitor they can hook to her, and standing, watching, helpless. I understand the saying "Let it be me." See it has crossed my mind why in the world would my God do this. I go to church, and I try hard to be the best example of Christ to my kids, but whew! this threw us for a loop. My question to my pastor was "How do I get over the fact that there was nothing that I could have done" What had I done that caused my child to come out anything but perfect? I have really struggled. I was raised in church, and I knew all the stories, and answers. There has never been a rock bottom for me- until now. So there are several things that I have learned. First, John 9 talks about the blind man who had been blind since birth, the disciples asked Jesus: Whose sins caused him to be blind from birth was it his sins or his parents? Jesus said neither, but that the works of God should be revealed in him. I choose to believe that Savannah is here so that God would be revealed through her. Second, I am learning to walk one step at a time even if I don't know if there is ground under me. I leave my child everyday trusting the Dr's and nurses caring for her are doing the very best they can. I have to. I have to trust that God is taking care of her and he knows the outcome. I still praise Him because I am His. He loves me. He loves my babies. He loves my husband and he will make us new, because He makes all things new.

Sunday, November 19, 2006
Savannah update 3 Current mood: cheerful Category: Life
Well yesterday was a rough day for "little." They have moved her to a feeding tube which I told you that in the previous blog. She is to eat from a bottle every other feeding, and then from the tube the rest of her feedings. Well at her 5 o'clock feeding (which is from the feeding tube) the nurse saw she was awake and chewing so she decided to feed her from the bottle. She ate 23cc's of milk (awesome!!) BUT it was not her meal to eat from the bottle. Miss Savannah had worn her little self out, and went into a deep sleep. Now, we are needing her sats to stay in the 80's-90's which is stable for her, but last night they dropped into the 60's. (not good) When we arrived around 9 she was in the upper 70's low 80's with a canula on her nose (provides air). A little frustrating when she has been doing so well. This morning she had a x-ray and that was normal, and tomorrow she is going to have an EEG just to make sure everything is ok. We got great news on Friday her Chromosomes came back normal so there was not abnormalities or deletions. We were looking for a particular deletion that a lot of these babies tend to have with this certain defect. That was such good news for us!! We are getting closer to when we get to bring her home!! We are praying for weight gain!! We are at 4lbs 4.7 oz. They won't even begin to talk about the heart cath and surgery until she is 5 lbs. Thank you for all the prayers!! God has been so good to us. I don't know why this has happened but I know it is for something bigger. Right now I am walking blind letting Him lead us. I choose to be a witness, and let everyone know God is good and He is bigger than anything we are facing.

Thursday, November 16, 2006
Savannah update Current mood: optimistic Category: Life
Well- yesterday was a ok day. She lost 10 grams (about 5 pennies) not much, but when your main concern is growing a baby anything other than going up in weight makes the day sort of a bust. I can't complain because everything else is great! If she didn't have this defect she would be home. I would take the non sleep with her home than the non sleep with her not home anyday! Today we got a good report but she is really sluggish when she eats. So, they have moved her to every other feeding is from a feeding tube. YIKES!! Step down a little, but we are trying to get her big. See, she is eating and gaining but because of her heart defect she doesn't have the energy to stay awake to eat. So helping her will get her to the surgery and then she will be able to eat with out getting tired. So many issues for such a little baby! I am tired, but laying in bed trying to sleep when your child is somewhere else having someone else take care of her makes me sick to my stomach, but they are providing something I can't so I can deal for as long as I need to. Thanks for all the prayers! Believe me she could be a lot worse! She has the sweetest disposition, and I can't wait for everyone to actually meet her! The kids got to see her for the 1st time yesterday!! Jon got to bring her to the window, so now Maddie believes me that we have a baby!! LOL They were very excited! We are day to day right now just trying not to lose our minds! Well I am going to clean my house, so I don't get depressed over that!! LOL

Saturday, November 11, 2006
Savannah Current mood: drained Category: Life
Well let's see this week has been a little interesting! I had a baby on Wednesday morning at 10:50am, and when she arrived she looked perfectly healthy weighing in at 4lbs 1oz small but fully developed. They took her to the nursery and then things took a turn. It started with her blood sugar being low, and then her body being to cold, and then the worst part her heart had a murmor. By 3o'clock she was being moved to another hospital. I had a baby at 10:58am and left the hospital at 7:30p.m. I wasn't staying in the hospital while my baby was in another!! They were very good about letting me go. Well we have found out that she has a heart condition called Tetralogy of Fallot. aka "TETS" or blue baby Let me tell you she is a pistol!! I love it and she is so spunky!! She is going to have to have a shunt put in her heart in the next couple of weeks, and will need heart surgery around a year old for a total repair, but we can't do the first surgery until she puts on some weight. The doctor has ordered her to be fattened up like a Christmas Ham!! haha! Then we will hopefully get to bring her home, after she is stable from the first surgery. We have been given no real timelines to go on that are concrete, and that has been hard. She gets to start eating by bottle tomorrow! How exciting! Just keep "Banna" (Savannah Brooke) in your prayers. Pray for weight gain!! What a concept we need a fatter kid?! LOL Thank you to everyone who is already praying for us ! They are so appreciated!! I know my God is bigger than this! I know that she will be home soon to join our family, and I can't wait for that precious moment. I am happy that it is not a lot worse! Jon and I are thanking God because we know that it could be!! Thanks again, and I will post updates when I can!!

Thursday, October 26, 2006
Conspiracy Current mood: exhausted Category: Food and Restaurants
Alright, due to my insanity of being about 4 weeks away from having a baby I have began participating in the McDonald's Monopoly game. I don't really like McDonalds yet I have managed to go there more often than I would care to mention. The hilarious thing is that I truly believe I could win that 5 million dollars, and all my problems would be solved and new ones would surely arise. The conspiracy is that McDonalds gives everyone 3 out of the 4 Railroads, and now everyone is searching for that dang Short Line!! I don't care if I am 9 months pregnant I would fight my older brother for that Railroad!! LOL (because I know he is playing) Let me give you an example: I have managed to rope my normally level headed husband into the insanity! Yesterday, I call him about 5pm from our home phone and he begins the conversation with "I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU OWN A CELL PHONE WHEN YOU NEVER ANSWER IT!" (By the way he never calls me!!) A little taken a back I said "excuse me?" He asked " What Railroad do you need? I said What? He said What Railroad do you need? Not remembering I said B&O and he proceeded to go on like a 5 min rant about how he saw a B&O railroad on the counter at the Midway McDonald's and he didn't want to pick it up if I already had it, I never answer my phone, and he was almost home and how mad he was at me because he did not pick up the small little piece of sticky paper on the counter at the Midway McDonalds. Soooo, what is my first instinct? I start laughing!! I said Are you kidding me? Which made him even more angry because I have now lost HIM 5 million dollars!! After he hung up on me I ran through the house and found the monopoly board only to find that I needed Short line not B&O!!! So, I ran back to the phone and called to assure my normally level headed husband that I had not lost him 5 million dollars!! See maybe my question is how was that my fault? LOL What would have been the problem for him to just pick up the little game piece and stick in his pocket? I need to have this baby or win 5 million dollars that's all I'm saying! I Hate McDonalds!! LOL

Thursday, September 28, 2006
Loss of Brain Cells Current mood: tired Category: Life
Ok, I am seven weeks away from adding the last member of our family to the house- am I scared no. (Maybe a little) I really have not had difficult pregnancies -you could almost say they were easy! This one I had so many kids I forgot most of the time! That is sad, but right now I am running like a chicken with my head cut off and chauffering kids around all over the place and we haven't started sports yet! I am having terrible memory issues! I can't remember what I wore yesterday and I am trying to not buy anymore maternity clothes because this is my last pregnancy and I don't want to buy a whole new wardrobe!!! I want to wear capri's until Thanksgiving!! It is starting to turn chilly and I am getting irritated that I might have to wear shoes that tie!! LOL I am just ready to have my sweet baby at home, get life organized and lose all this baby weight! I am sad to say that it has never come off after any of my other pregnancies but for some reason I feel different. It's gonna come off this time and I will be thin again!! haha I really have a good circle of friends right now. The kind that will cheer you on when you need cheerleaders. Also the kind that will uplift you instead of trashing you behind your back. I am so tired of feeling like crap no matter what size I am. Most of the time I think I am a good mom. Now I am just learning to be a good friend without people thinking I try to hard! I try to hard because I care. I hate drama and I am surrounding myself with people who don't thrive off it. It is so old. It gives me a headache and I am avoiding it at all costs. I love Thursdays! It makes me feel good knowing it comes after Wednesday, and I don't have to tell you why because if you are reading this your probably know!! LOL I am totally random and it is late, and I just wanted to free write.

Sunday, May 21, 2006
Questions? Current mood: contemplative
It took me a long time to realize that all I might ever be is a mom. Is that ok? When I was in high school I had big plans- big, BIG plans! I was going to be famous! Sing somewhere, or teach I didn't know. Then, Jon came and my life changed. I wanted to be with him every waking moment! College plans sort of hit the back burner soon after the wedding when we found out we brought a package home from our honeymoon. I had Maddie nine months later and life changed, my heart changed, and every way I approached life changed. I wanted to be more for her, and something bigger other than my pant size. See I have sort of lived my life in a state of fear since I began having children. Are they fed? How many times have I hugged them today? How many times did I say I love you? How many hours of therapy have I added to their lives just today? Are they bathed? Am I raising serial killers? You know I watch my boys sometimes and pray to God I will not be on Dr. Phil in ten or so years and have to hear him say my boys have 7 out of the 10 traits for being serial killers! Because at one point or another as a parent you've wondered if you are raising them right. It is sad because friends are not a priority right now because in my mind it could take away how well I take care of my kids. I have turned so many people off because having friends is just not that big a deal to me. I am not on some rant about how women should stay home with their kids, because it's their duty. You know I can't tell you how many knock down drag outs that I have had with my husband about going back to school, and finishing college. See because I laugh and call Jon (my husband) the great big book of everything because he knows more than any human should know about anything. I joke with him because when I met him I used to think he was so confident, and now I just think he is arrogant! He is the best person I know, and a lot of people depend on him. It is hard when people need him and I am called to make sure it is ok he is gone for the evening to help someone. Sometimes I want to be needed other than making sure childcare is handled. He is the guy that always has his phone on because he is afraid someone will need him. That in itself is sexy and completely annoying at the same time. If you knew me in high school the one thing you knew was I enjoyed the spotlight. Oh,I still do, but not in the same sort of obnoxious way. I like being told I am a good mom, my kids are beautiful, and my husband is great. I am learning my life is successful in other ways. I am still smart even though the majority of my life is spent talking to children under the age of six. I still sing at church, and I am still oppinionated over things that I need to be oppinionated about. But is that enough? Is being in the PTA, continuous chauffer, and constant cheerleader for my family enough? Are we supposed to be more?

Sunday, February 12, 2006
Stories of Parenthood Current mood: In a Writer's mood Category: In a Writer's mood Life
Ok, here it goes I start my first blog today and I am going to write about my kids because right now they are my everything. Oh I fully plan to write about my husband too. Today I will begin my talk about my 4yr old Drew.
Jon and I are on the South Beach Diet and so our goal has been to eat as little carbs as possible, it is purely miserable the 1st 3 days but highly satisfying since Jon has lost 24 lbs and I have lost 15. We both have some more chub to lose, but for pete's sake that is a lot and three kids has left me a little less than supermodel quality! ( not that I was before) Anyway, back to the story, we had taken the kid's to Texas Roadhouse (steaks of course) and had a pretty uneventful dinner with 3 kids under the age of 6. That is a miracle! We are leaving the restaraunt and walking out to get in the car and Drew had a hold of himself. The question was asked- Drew do you need to go potty? answer no . I let him walk some more and God love him he had a hold of that thing like if he let it go it would fall off!! I said DREW! do you need to go potty? answer no. I then said, Son, what is the problem? Let go of your Wootus (yes, we call it a wootus). And the greatest answer ever!!! is MOM I'm sweatin!! Now guys come on! That is crazy he's four! I laughed so hard I almost cried. I just didn't know that stuff started until they were old enough to be more gross and teenagery !! Is that a word?