"By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abuntantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me." 1Cor 15:10
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Sarah Started Thinking Outloud Again
I have been really searching my heart lately. Since Savannah died, I have been so focused on learning about the physical heart and will probably continue fundraising and supporting the American Heart Association for the rest of my life, but something occurred to me recently what happens if you work on someone’s heart physically and never even invest on their heart and its true eternity, have you missed the mark? Wow even to type that makes me sick to my stomach. What am I doing? I mean everything I talk about regarding Savannah is basically about how God saved us from ourselves. Self destruction is almost inevitable because you lose something in yourself when a child dies, but could this be a way we lead people to Jesus, or do we lose people when they have to comprehend what we have been through? I had 2 very important couples lose babies before us and just being a friend it broke my heart, and then I lost one of my own - it is still devastating even behind the smile. Here is my dilemma- How can I share my faith without sounding like a grieving mother or an annoying broken record? Because I know that after awhile people don't want to hear about her and that sounds harsh but seriously isn't there a point where it feels overused? I struggle because she is gone and never, ever coming back; and it makes me sick that I feel she is being forgotten. I know that 10 yrs from now someone could drive past the cemetery and say "oh yea that is where the Martin baby is buried; but shoot I can't for the life of me remember her name." Do you see my point? Heartbreaking- See, I am now at weeks that are good and then in an instant it will hurt, then it is gone; and I move on again, but how can that turn into a way I can reveal my faith? What about sharing it? I am frustrated that I have come to the realization that I am defined by the death of my child, but am I leaning on that? Is this what defines me? Will it define me forever? My kids started school this week and I love my kids but I danced a jig! We thrive on routine, but I kept thinking never a first day of school for her. I got upset about thinking about having to take CJ to his last, first day of preschool. She will never be an Orange Tiger, Purple Porcupine, or even a Red Rabbit. It hurts my heart, but it just is what it is. I am trying to be active at Madison, Andrew, and CJs schools but they will all be in school all day next year and I am already worried about what I am going to be when I grow up. LOL I have been a mother since I was 20, and I have never truly regretted making the decision to come home and become Jon's wife. Now though- what do I do? There is just only so long I can consume myself with PTA. I mean I love it but on some level I want people to talk to me because they want to not because they see the "Oh Lord PTA lady what does she want? “ LOL! This post was really not supposed to be as serious as I believe it has become, but it is where my mind went so I went with it! It has always amazed me how life works. I am not really good at it sometimes-Life. I just feel sometimes I am always a step behind, Sometimes a step ahead. Why is that? I feel I am such a walking contradiction! I don't know. . I think I am just searching for answers- from God. It’s funny how He works- getting us on our face asking for His help.
I am married with 3 kids which growing up I never thought I was going to do. I am in the PTA and love it, I go to practices and I love it, and I wear buttons with my childrens picture on it and I love that too! I am trying to live for Jesus everyday and hope that seeps into them. We'll see?!