Thursday, August 21, 2008

Sarah Started Thinking Outloud Again

I have been really searching my heart lately. Since Savannah died, I have been so focused on learning about the physical heart and will probably continue fundraising and supporting the American Heart Association for the rest of my life, but something occurred to me recently what happens if you work on someone’s heart physically and never even invest on their heart and its true eternity, have you missed the mark? Wow even to type that makes me sick to my stomach. What am I doing? I mean everything I talk about regarding Savannah is basically about how God saved us from ourselves. Self destruction is almost inevitable because you lose something in yourself when a child dies, but could this be a way we lead people to Jesus, or do we lose people when they have to comprehend what we have been through? I had 2 very important couples lose babies before us and just being a friend it broke my heart, and then I lost one of my own - it is still devastating even behind the smile. Here is my dilemma- How can I share my faith without sounding like a grieving mother or an annoying broken record? Because I know that after awhile people don't want to hear about her and that sounds harsh but seriously isn't there a point where it feels overused? I struggle because she is gone and never, ever coming back; and it makes me sick that I feel she is being forgotten. I know that 10 yrs from now someone could drive past the cemetery and say "oh yea that is where the Martin baby is buried; but shoot I can't for the life of me remember her name." Do you see my point? Heartbreaking- See, I am now at weeks that are good and then in an instant it will hurt, then it is gone; and I move on again, but how can that turn into a way I can reveal my faith? What about sharing it? I am frustrated that I have come to the realization that I am defined by the death of my child, but am I leaning on that? Is this what defines me? Will it define me forever? My kids started school this week and I love my kids but I danced a jig! We thrive on routine, but I kept thinking never a first day of school for her. I got upset about thinking about having to take CJ to his last, first day of preschool. She will never be an Orange Tiger, Purple Porcupine, or even a Red Rabbit. It hurts my heart, but it just is what it is. I am trying to be active at Madison, Andrew, and CJs schools but they will all be in school all day next year and I am already worried about what I am going to be when I grow up. LOL I have been a mother since I was 20, and I have never truly regretted making the decision to come home and become Jon's wife. Now though- what do I do? There is just only so long I can consume myself with PTA. I mean I love it but on some level I want people to talk to me because they want to not because they see the "Oh Lord PTA lady what does she want? “ LOL! This post was really not supposed to be as serious as I believe it has become, but it is where my mind went so I went with it! It has always amazed me how life works. I am not really good at it sometimes-Life. I just feel sometimes I am always a step behind, Sometimes a step ahead. Why is that? I feel I am such a walking contradiction! I don't know. . I think I am just searching for answers- from God. It’s funny how He works- getting us on our face asking for His help.


Faith (Gavin's Mommy) said...

WOW, what a post... I admire your ability to speak your emotions, can you teach me?? You are always in my thoughts and prayers!

Torres Family said...

OK, WOW! I don't think it is even possible for you to overspeak of Savannah. Parents talk about their kids ALL the time. I do it, you do, and Lord knows I've listened to thousands of parents over the years of teaching do it...LOL! The point is Savannah will always be your little girl, and even though she is with our Great Lord, she is still your child. You DO have such a phenomenal message of strength and courage. I think of you often, and how you pour so much into your kids lives and it is inspiring. Honestly, I would NEVER tackle the task of PTA (you are superwoman there!). I think if you were to not share, it would be an injustice to all mothers, whether they have been through a tragedy like yours or not. It reminds us all that we should cherish our children for however long we are blessed to have them. OK...I did not intend to write a novel comment here, so I'm going to cut it off, but please don't stop talking about her. She is so special.

amy said...

I can understand why this would be hard for you. First, she is your baby and always will be. It is only natural to think of her in different situations. If you stopped speaking about her you may be giving up an opportunity to help someone else struggling with the same emotions. Just think, if down the road from now someone you know right now happens to lose a child she will remember that you also lost a child and will know she has you to confide in and relate to. However, if this mother knows you used to talk about Savannah but don't anymore she is less likely to want to confide in you afraid that you don't want to speak of it anymore. Ya know? I totally agree with the last sentence you wrote. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 25:5. That verse is something I pray a lot when I am on my face asking for help. :)