Bittersweet Emotions

Well by the grace of God I believe that within the next week all of the medical bills surrounding Savannah will be paid and we will be back to just paying for what we live on and that is exciting and incredibly painful. It is over. The bills sent to our home addressed to Savannah Martin will stop coming and soon all the random Enfamil samples and coupons will stop arriving in the mail and we will be back to the way things were before she was born. I do however realize that my life, and heart will never be normal again. I am forever a Mother that has a child buried in that cemetery on Memorial. I think about what I have missed in the last year and it makes me hurt to my core. At this moment I should be seeing little bit crawling and walking with a small amount of assistance across the furniture. We should be on level 3 foods and even eating a big amount of real food. She should be able to talk a little. We should be scheduling pictures, planning a wonderful pink birthday party, but I just paid off the freakin medical bill for the hospital where she died. I am a little irritated because it should be like a car really if they don't fix your kid- they don't get paid. Welcome to Sarahland my friends. Welcome! Jeeese!! November 8th is her birthday and for the last year I have thought about what I am going to do for that day, let off balloons, make cupcakes, take family pictures, but right now for the life of me I can't think of something to do that doesn't make me want to throw something up against a wall and just call it a day and go to sleep. I got my tubes tied in January and have not regreted it one minute until August when I was late. I thought oh heavens what am I going to do? If I am, not only is my life now in danger but how will we handle it? Well it ended up not being a pregnancy issue but a stress issue and "my friend" came and I was sad. I told Jon it is not that I wanted to be but I thought I might get a mulligan. (Golf term for do over) I thought that I might get a chance to end having children on a positive note because I am very proud to say that my first three kids are wonderfully healthy, spunky, and worth the wait. They make me smile. I wish my house was cleaner but don't we all? My Savannah's birthday resolution is to get my house the way I want it. Paint and finish my kitchen, redo things and make it mine. Today I am not ok.. Tomorrow maybe not either, but I will survive. I can't wait for Heaven. I can't wait for Jesus, and all that glory I don't deserve.