Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Baby book


Baby book
Today was a wonderful and sad day. My friend Cindy offered to make Savannah's baby book; I accepted, she finished the book and gave it to me tonight. The book is so wonderful! It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I emailed a friend tonight and we were talking about Savannah's death. The grief process is different when you lose a child. When I lost my friend Cameron 7yrs ago to a car accident I had memories of when we were kids, times when we had laughed together, and times we competed against each other during Bible Bowl at church. He was my very first boyfriend when I was 5, and at 19 he came to my bridal room when I got married because he was going out with friends, he couldn't stay for the ceremony, but couldn't drive past the church and not see me. It was the last time I saw him-he was killed in a car accident 4 months later. I had that memory. When I lost Savannah I lost my hopes and dreams for her, and everything that I thought God had in store for her. No monumental memories. That is devastating. I will not lie. Losing anyone that changes your world- changes you. I had so much hope for Savannah just like I have for my other children. The night she died I was supposed to ride on the life flight helicopter with her, and Jon with our pastor Larry had left to meet us at the flight pad at St. Francis hospital in Tulsa. My parents stood at their van waiting for Savannah and me to get on the helicopter. That would never happen and they watched them, the life flight team, turn off the helicopter, and my parents came back inside the E.R. I was told my child would not survive. It was funny how many people start running for trash cans when I said "I am going to throw up!" I didn't throw up, but my heart dropped into my stomach. I called my husband and told him to come back to Broken Arrow. Then, the nurse told me to go into her room, and they asked me what I wanted. "What did I want?" I want her to BREATHE!! Inside I was screaming!! No, come on God not my girl. God, please heal her heart! Heal her heart! Savannah please breathe-breathe Savannah! What I actually said was don't stop until Jon comes back. Then, I bent over to my sweet Savannah's ear I told her how much I loved her, and I sang to her. I believe that she heard me until she heard angels sing. God took my baby at that moment and healed her. He made her new. No matter how much money we could have spent, or how many Doctors would or could treat her she would never be new or healed. This last month I have realized how much she reminded me of how we are as humans. Sometimes we look perfect on the outside, but our insides are a mess. I am not ashamed to say that she was a mess on the inside because she was. She was a sick little girl and she could only be healed by God. We as believers are the same. We are beautiful on the outside, but inside we are a mess, and that is why we need Jesus. Romans 5:20,21 says " Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." That was grace when God reached down and took my Savannah home. At that moment He changed her. He healed her. He made her new. God did the same thing when He sent Jesus. Because through our ugliness God loves us, so much that he reached down to change us, heal us, and make us new. There is not a greater love. Like a mother to her child. He loved us and gave His life for us. How could we ask for more?

4 comments:

Alice said...

I have goosebumps and tears! I am so sad for you Sarah, but like you said God made her new and you will get to see her one day! I can't wait for you to show me that baby book!

Heather said...

Sarah you are a gift of God yourself. You are so amazing to be able to write like you did...you take your experience with Savannah and are already using it as a testimony for us Believers to look deeper at our own lives...thank you and love you!

Jenn said...

Sarah ... I don't know how hard it is go through the loss of a child but I just read your blog and I'm so happy that Savannah is safe and whole with God in Heaven but I've been grieving for you because I know that if I were in your shoes I would be devastated. Thanks for being willing to blog about Savannah. If you need anything ... even just to talk or whatever, I'm here. I know we haven't hung out at all really since high school but we're still friends. I love you girly. Jennie

Alice said...

It was the most beautiful baby book I have ever seen! Thanks for sharing it with me! Love ya!