Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I stopped playing the game...

Ok so if I haven't talked to you in a while I get to enlighten you on why in the heck I took down my site. It is the long drawn out high school drama crap that I was so giddy to get away from when I graduated! In our continued journey to grieve the death of Savannah we have had a lot of people tell us how they fear for the way we are grieving. I have really struggled talking about this, but I am beyond frustrated with people telling me I am not grieving right, watching every move or action we make; and having the nerve to be irritated that we don't want to hang out it just makes me sick. I have three kids I am lucky to get to hang out in my own bathroom by myself. I have never been one to keep a notebook of things that I have done for people so when a fight brews there is an arsenal of things that I can use against the person I am fighting with. That is not truly giving its just providing ammo for future fights. In our weakest moments we have had people we love kick us while we are down. We have been psychoanalyzed, judged and even ridiculed to the point that shutting down and staying in our home seems to be the best option! Then, when we finally have the nerve to say "I refuse to play this game with you" we are called crazy, irrational, and bitter because we lost our daughter. Let me admit that at some point I have been all of those things but do you blame me?! I went to the cemetery last week because I had not been in two months, and the first thing I see is bird poop on her headstone. That made me a little bitter. Let me let you know I know that she is not there and I don't stay more than 5-10 minutes because what is the point? I realize I am talking to a rock, but I go because that spot is what holds my wonderful moment. Savannah's spirit is with Jesus and I won't get to know her until after I meet Jesus myself, but the body I held, the strawberry blonde hair I ran my fingers through, and the cheeks I kissed are in that spot in the ground and that is the closest point to where we are still together. I have realized how completely powerless I am, so bring on the craziness!! It has nothing to do with the stone, but I know how much effort Jon and I put into our children's name. We picked the name for each one of our children. Madison was going to be Madison Paige, Savannah Brooke, or Peyton Louis (I believe that we changed Peyton in the end but THANK God we had a girl!) Andrew Nicholas, it was such a strong name and it was perfect for him. Christopher Joseph, (CJ) was picked by Jon and I agreed. All of them sound really great when I have to yell them out the back door! Honest to goodness I HATE seeing her name on that stone and it is still very surreal to me that " I lost a baby." I don't know if the pain in the pit of my stomach will ever go away when I see her name.
That is it it's all that is left of her other than pictures. Honestly my patience has shortened and having friendships that our conversations were only about persons we trashed on that day just made me feel like a "plastic" and I hated myself and wanted more. I wanted depth, and encouragement in a way some people cannot provide for me anymore. So, when the confrontation happened I became the person to be trashed. It is not a place I want to be and the inner scrapper in me had come out again. I had to stop playing the game. I had to take down my last page so I could be hidden from those people and talk to the people I was really on myspace for. I want to be able to write about things and not have certain people believe it is about them! Frankly, I really just think of myself right now and how in the world am I going to shove my pain down enough to clean my house, or take care of my kids the way I used too. My worst fear is to have my living children when they are grown ups tell me "well after Savannah died you just didn't love us or take care of us the same and we feel jipped." That is a therapy session I never want my children to have. With our world the way it is the last thing they need to worry about is whether they were loved enough as children. I am trying to find real, encouraging, in love with Jesus friends that will love me for me and I can do the same for them. So, now that I have spilled my guts my load feels a little lighter. Thank GOD I am not who I used to be, and forgive me if you can't see my heart right now, but I am so humbled by what has happened in my life and I am not the person I use to be or even the person I was 6 months ago, and I plan to prove that for the rest of my life. Thanks for hearing my rant… Sarah

1 comment:

Heather said...

You are awesome Sarah....seriously. I have seen God through your life even through all of your pain, but right now His power in your life shines so strong its awesome! I still send love and prayers your way...keep bloggin' and ventin' girl..its good for you but also for those who read it!!!