"By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abuntantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me." 1Cor 15:10
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Summer starts with Memorial Day
Well every summer begins with Memorial Day. BOO! We have done pretty well. I picked out the first set of Memorial Flowers for Savannah's grave and frankly I have come to the conclusion that no flower will ever be beautiful enough, and that is ok. I had the most wonderful honor of running into one of the mom's I met while Savannah was in the NICU at Wal-mart on Saturday. Her baby was born at 28 weeks-(I think- don't quote me!) She was born at 2lbs and had already been in the hospital a month when Savannah was born then moved to that hospital. I remember several nights I sat near her watching her panic when her daughter's SATS were going up and down. I remember every time I heard a monitor I looked up to make sure it wasn't Savannah's monitors going off- every parent did it quote me. It takes months to not hear beeping in your head when you leave that place. I was so arrogant!! I remember thinking. We are so lucky it could be so much worse. "We are just waiting for her to weigh 5lbs so she can have her shunt put in and then when she is 1 they will do a full repair.” We are so lucky. Ha! Well if you know us we weren't so lucky. Well at least not in the way that society considers us lucky. Back to Wal-mart I stood in one check out aisle as she stood in the other when I saw her. I was purchasing the memorial flowers I had finally chosen and she with her beautiful, chubby, eight month old purchasing whatever she was at the store for. We were two mothers with two very different outcomes. She didn't know Savannah had died, and asked how she was doing. I just shook my head no, and turned my attention to her wonderful miracle. She is so lucky so, so lucky. I want to make a confession I still love holding babies. I LOVE IT! What people need to understand in these types of situations is yes, I have lost a baby and on some level with every baby I see my heart hurts a little, but when she is supposed to be 12 I will look at every 12 yr. old and my heart will hurt a little still. While holding babies though I don't need to be watched or pitied because I don't want that baby I want my baby. I will always want mine. ALWAYS. So, worries about me having a chopper outside ready to zoom off with the baby, it's not going to happen because the saying is true "Every old crow thinks hers is the blackest." It's true as wonderful as my friend's babies are they will never be as wonderful or beautiful as mine because she was mine. I miss her like crazy! It stinks that instead of getting to watch her roll over because she would be doing that right now I am finding the perfect bouquet of flowers to place in her vase. I do like Memorial Day. This day is for all the men and women who have lost their lives to fight for our freedom. Our freedom to worship, our freedom to support our government, and our freedom to not support our government I am the first not the latter. I'll keep thatmy opinion of what I think our nation has become for a different blog. LOL! I just want to say I still think Jon and I are lucky, so very lucky. We have 3 beautiful children that are healthy, ornery, and my joy. Jon and I have each other and I live and breathe for him. Besides Jesus Jon saves me from myself most of the time he is my heart. I am so very, very lucky. I can even see through the fog that I have been in and I know how absolutely blessed my life is. Such joy......
I am married with 3 kids which growing up I never thought I was going to do. I am in the PTA and love it, I go to practices and I love it, and I wear buttons with my childrens picture on it and I love that too! I am trying to live for Jesus everyday and hope that seeps into them. We'll see?!