Thankful, so Thankful

It has been a long year in the Martin house. On certain days I am thankful for every single step I take and other days I can't find one reason to be thankful. On those days I am wrong. As hard as that is to say.. I am so wrong. I have a wonderful husband, who by his own admission is rough around the edges. He is the black and white in my gray world. He has learned a lot this year, he has stood his ground this year, and he has countinued to earn my undying love for him this year. Madison- what a strong little girl, who gets up everyday and struggles to catch up in reading, practices her spelling words when I force her, but she makes me laugh everyday. Her smile lightens up my world. Andrew, whose name means "manly" is so strong and bold, and is as tender and as precious as they come. He will wrestle in his second tournament soon. I lose my voice screaming for him and always whisper in his ear" I am your biggest fan." He makes me smile. Christopher- his name means "Christ-giver" my dad says he could be president some day, honestly I would be more honored for him to be a "Christ-giver" to Christ-needers. I am so thankful for my children. I am thanful for Savannah, what little time I was given, has changed me to my core. I have struggled this year and this is what I have learned. No book helps the empty, but Jesus does, No drink helps the need to get away, but Jesus does, and no amount of anger, resentment, or vacantness helps, but Jesus does. I am thankful for Jesus, who sometimes helps me breathe when my hurt is that bad, and I thank Him for loving me when I didn't deserve it. I am thankful, so thankful. Enjoy your turkey and sweetpotates.

Public Floggings Are they wrong or Necessary?

In our society there are very few ways as a parent to discipline a child in public. Let me give you a scenario- Walmart-My children have the "Stuff mart" song from Veggietales come into their head the minute we walk into the store' and their ability to turn the other cheek to their sibling magically stops. So, while I am trying to buy hamburger or bread at any moment my three yr old could be screaming at me "let me out" (of the basket of course) and my other two have managed to make aisle 3 the fight club aisle! Now here is the dilemma: Do you tell them "No more fighting please, use your words? OR At that moment do you stop what you are doing shlamp (yes, that is my new greek word- no, not really) them both and threaten them within an inch of their life? Here is my double edged sword I am getting to the actual story I promise!! As a parent there is always someone in Wal-mart that is so quick to roll their eyes at my children, but then when you actually do something about it there is someone else to death glare you or actually voice "Did you see what she just did to that kid?" Which sends me to stroke level faster than my kids can!! OK so here is the actual story. It is not a secret that Andrew, my 6yr old, has a difficult time at school sometimes (wrestling is way more fun than sight words! Jeeese! didn't you know that?!) well I got a call from his teacher yesterday stating that she has been watching Drew and he has found some enjoyment in being a bully to one little boy. Not cool my friends! I think that is the lowest thing you can do is pick on someone not a strong or even strong minded as one might believe they are. So, I asked the teacher where he was at-I was running errands and so I went home, I got my wooden spoon, and I proceeded to go to the school. I got him out of music class and I took him into the bathroom and spoke to him about "Would Jesus want you to pick on a kid and by the way it is JUST PLAIN WRONG, AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK TO YOUR TEACHER WITH SUCH LITTLE DISRESPECT,I WILL COME UP HERE AGAIN AND SPANK YOU AGAIN IF I EVER GET A CALL LIKE THIS AGAIN. I WILL NOT RAISE A MEAN LITTLE BOY!! and then I wore his fanny out! Now, after I did this I thought I am going to jail. LOL!! Then I thought if I don't who will? I do not want him on the Dr. Phil show in 10yrs telling me he has 8 of the 1o characteristics of a serial killer. I am just so frustrated at the fact that I am terrified to discipline my child because of the way our society has pinned the way a child should be raised. I love my kids, I live for them, but let me tell you they can lie, steal, hit, bully, and it is my job to show them they are wrong and then lead them the right direction!! Right?! Have we lost all control, and now we are raising children who believe they can do whatever they want with no consequences? AAAAGH!!! What a crazy time we live in?! I just wish there was a clean line of what we are allowed to do as parents?!! Well off my soapbox I go and now I am going to take some Tums! LOL

November 8, 2007

Dear Savannah Brooke,

Happy Birthday my sweet girl! You would be one today! What a wonderful birthday party we would have had for you!! Pink decorations, pink cake, pink flowers, and pink presents all for you!! How is your birthday in Heaven? I bet the cake tastes better? Did they clap for you when you huffed, and puffed on your candle? Did you get to dive into a special cake just for you? What a year it has been without you! Madison is in the second grade and she loves to read! Her favorite animal is the Cheetah. She is very girly just like you!! We are getting ready to redo her room and make it chocolate brown and pink!! Lovely room for a lovely girl. Andrew started kindergarten he goes to school all day! He is working very hard learning all of his sounds and sight words so he can read! He wrestles day and night! He prays for you everynight that you will get better and Jesus will send you back, but we know that Heaven is your home and you are saving us a spot, and we encourage him to pray for us to be happy here on earth until we go to heaven. CJ is in preschool!! He is almost 4! He wanted to be your big brother really bad!! He was a good big brother! He learned to swim without floaties this summer, and to ride a bike without training wheels last month!! He is a busy brother!! As for Daddy he stays busy and misses you very, very much though sometimes it is to hard for him to admit how much he truly misses you. Little girl you were so wonderful!! As for Mommy I miss my little moment. I miss getting to hold you and watch you yawn. I miss feeding you. I miss the smiles I never got to see. I miss the hugs I will never receive from you. I miss you!! I hope that you have the most wonderful first birthday in Heaven. I hope that you are cuddled extra today. I hope you dig into the most wonderful cake imaginable. I miss my dreams for you. All your birthday wishes have come true, and you are a healthy girl now strong, healed, and loved. I will be with you soon. I love you, Savannah, my wonderful moment, Hold onto Jesus until I get there then we will praise Him together.

I love you minute, Mommy

WWF and all that..

Well Drew started wrestling this week. Good? Bad? I don't know yet. He is on a green, yellow, and red light behavior system at school and if you know Drew yellow is what color the child lives on and it is not because he is mean or hateful, but just because he wants to wrestle ALL the time. Also, at any moment as I am told by his teacher he will break into song. I am exhausted!! This child wears me out! One moment he is ready to scrap and fight and the next he is such a cuddler. He didn't used to be and now it makes me melt! He was the baby that when people tried to make him giggle he just stared at them like "Are you done?" AAh!! I love getting to know him!! He will be 6 on Friday. Wow!! time sure flies! It won't be long and he will be in high school. I thank God for Andrew. He is so precious!! I am so excited and pray for wonderful things for him when he grows up!! He will be my CEO! LOL Thank you Jesus for my Drew..

Advice I need some...

I had the tooth fairy isn't real talk with my 7yr old today. She then asked who else isn't real? I had to tell her neither was the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. Madison then said "You tricked me" You lied. I am no longer going to put money in a college fund I am changing its name to "the Therapy fund." I miss the late night feedings and the puke. It was easier.. How do I fix this?

Who are you?!

Alright! I know that I read a lot of people's blogs but I want to know who is reading mine!! LOL Leave me a comment and let me know if my stories are as interesting as I think they are!! I know they are my babies so I tend to think whatever they do is phenomenal! Let me know I want to know who is reading!! haha!! Sarah

Bittersweet Emotions

Well by the grace of God I believe that within the next week all of the medical bills surrounding Savannah will be paid and we will be back to just paying for what we live on and that is exciting and incredibly painful. It is over. The bills sent to our home addressed to Savannah Martin will stop coming and soon all the random Enfamil samples and coupons will stop arriving in the mail and we will be back to the way things were before she was born. I do however realize that my life, and heart will never be normal again. I am forever a Mother that has a child buried in that cemetery on Memorial. I think about what I have missed in the last year and it makes me hurt to my core. At this moment I should be seeing little bit crawling and walking with a small amount of assistance across the furniture. We should be on level 3 foods and even eating a big amount of real food. She should be able to talk a little. We should be scheduling pictures, planning a wonderful pink birthday party, but I just paid off the freakin medical bill for the hospital where she died. I am a little irritated because it should be like a car really if they don't fix your kid- they don't get paid. Welcome to Sarahland my friends. Welcome! Jeeese!! November 8th is her birthday and for the last year I have thought about what I am going to do for that day, let off balloons, make cupcakes, take family pictures, but right now for the life of me I can't think of something to do that doesn't make me want to throw something up against a wall and just call it a day and go to sleep. I got my tubes tied in January and have not regreted it one minute until August when I was late. I thought oh heavens what am I going to do? If I am, not only is my life now in danger but how will we handle it? Well it ended up not being a pregnancy issue but a stress issue and "my friend" came and I was sad. I told Jon it is not that I wanted to be but I thought I might get a mulligan. (Golf term for do over) I thought that I might get a chance to end having children on a positive note because I am very proud to say that my first three kids are wonderfully healthy, spunky, and worth the wait. They make me smile. I wish my house was cleaner but don't we all? My Savannah's birthday resolution is to get my house the way I want it. Paint and finish my kitchen, redo things and make it mine. Today I am not ok.. Tomorrow maybe not either, but I will survive. I can't wait for Heaven. I can't wait for Jesus, and all that glory I don't deserve.