"By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abuntantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me." 1Cor 15:10
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Today, This Week, This Moment
So here is the deal.. When Savannah died I was told a number of things, 1st get marital counseling because there is an 84% divorce rate when a couple loses a child (uphill battle you think?), get on an antidepressant, and start a journal. A lot of other advice was given but in the cloud of that time I can't remember or I chose not too. Therefore, I am doing one of the three things we were advised to do I started blogging. I am not saying that we have not sought the advice of our pastor or I have not taken an antidepressant- just right now we are very blessed in how God has preserved our marriage and our sanity. However, some of the hurt I feel is so wrapped around my heart that I NEED to write, and open a wound to see it begin to heal. So, here it goes!! I am an excellent smile at your own expense person. I talk when I need to and frankly I talk about Savannah a lot - she was a part of me, but I often seem to leave out the deep, take my breath away hurt I truly feel, so today I am admitting that friends I need a reprieve from my grief this week. I need the fact that she is never coming back to leave my brain right now because it is consuming me. I am in a state AGAIN of why did this happen to us? I struggled this week to maintain a happy heart. (Because Prov 15:13 says A happy heart makes the face cheerful!) It was Valentine's day this week- hear me out.. I was cleaning out my car on Saturday and saw a little picture of CJ that had his picture with puzzle pieces around it that said "You will always have a piece of my heart" and it hit me; in my car, at that moment, I realized that I was never going to get something like that from her. I have talked about the first day of kindergarten, first sport, first date, prom, wedding but it never crossed my mind the amount of sadness I would feel over the little things. Is it possible to be jealous of Jesus? Whew! I said it.. I am jealous that He sees her every moment of everyday. See when she was alive I lived day in and day out believing that she would be healed. I honestly believed that I would walk into the NICU and the Dr would say "Our bad Mrs. Martin your baby is fine- take her home!" We lived 5 weeks driving to and from the hospital 3-4 times a day, and my dad kept asking Have you yelled at God yet and asked why? He is a big God, and He can handle your anger. At one point I did yell and scream. That was December 19th, 2006. She died on the early morning of the 21st. My Dad later asked again not long after she died if I had gotten angry, screamed and yelled at God and I said "Yes Dad I did and she died. How do I change that? How do I fix that? What do I yell at Him now? She's gone! Don't you think it is a little intimidating to scream and yell again? I have said this time and time again it never in a million years dawned on me that this would be the way He chose to heal her. See I think the stage I am in now is that I am starting to move on and it kind of ticks me off. I don't want to get farther away from her I want to get closer. I wanted to fight everyday for her. I wanted that little person to be a ooooh! Martin kid! LOL! If you have met my kids you understand the last statement. Another issue I have seemed to have embarked on is a baby boom at my church, and well frankly everywhere!! LOL! Lots of pregnant ladies! See I can't have children anymore, after a baby is born with a heart defect the percentage goes up for having another child with a heart related issue; we didn't want to face that possibility again. Plus, we had already decided she was our last so, the decision to stop having kids was already made before I had her. We did not want to "replace" her. So, now I am now dealing with the "new season" of my life Blah! All of my children are potty trained, can dress themselves, and are children- not babies. It is hard, sad, and exciting, but I also told my husband that I didn't want to personally have anymore children but if someone set a baby on our doorstep it would not bother me one bit. He rolled his eyes at me! It is hard-I wanted that sweet little girl with all of my heart. I didn't care if she was sick. I didn't and I would have done anything for her. I have lived the last year trying to praise Him and trying to comprehend that God loved her even more than me, her mother, and knew what was ultimately best for her. So I am admitting that today, this week, this moment is hard, almost breath taking. I admit it... I am angry. The questions with no answers consume me; but I will continue to live off the verse from John 9 that says "It was not his sins, or his parents sins that caused him to be blind from birth- It was so I may be glorified" I am in a valley right now- and with all my heart I am seeking His answers, His approval, His grace, but I understand that I may never see His answers until I see Him. Hard? Yes.
I am married with 3 kids which growing up I never thought I was going to do. I am in the PTA and love it, I go to practices and I love it, and I wear buttons with my childrens picture on it and I love that too! I am trying to live for Jesus everyday and hope that seeps into them. We'll see?!