Pictures with Santa

Let's face it I am naughty- have mercy. CJ is precious! LOL

Drew what a good boy!

Madison with most of her teeth missing!

Heart Walk update

I am so excited that I already get to give an update for the Heart Walk!! I have already gotten $75.00 in donations for the the walk in April!! Which means I have $425 to go!! WOO HOO!!! If I can reach my 1sr goal I may change my goal to a higher number. God is really good !! Check out my site!!

https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=247421&lis=0&kntae247421=4E5D48B8CBF0416696A0286B36E3C9D0&supId=198823323

Keep me in your prayers!! I am so excited about this walk!! Thanks, Sarah

HeartWalk

https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=247421&lis=0&kntae247421=4E5D48B8CBF0416696A0286B36E3C9D0&supId=198823323

Check out what I am doing on April 12.2008!!!

Why I have to be ok..

I am always stunned and amazed at the things God places in my life for comfort. Sometimes they work- sometimes because of my own flawless humanity it doesn't. This picture blesses my heart. I can't wait to see this in Heaven. I so long for eternity with Jesus. Today I was provided comfort even if it was something so small.

Thankful, so Thankful

It has been a long year in the Martin house. On certain days I am thankful for every single step I take and other days I can't find one reason to be thankful. On those days I am wrong. As hard as that is to say.. I am so wrong. I have a wonderful husband, who by his own admission is rough around the edges. He is the black and white in my gray world. He has learned a lot this year, he has stood his ground this year, and he has countinued to earn my undying love for him this year. Madison- what a strong little girl, who gets up everyday and struggles to catch up in reading, practices her spelling words when I force her, but she makes me laugh everyday. Her smile lightens up my world. Andrew, whose name means "manly" is so strong and bold, and is as tender and as precious as they come. He will wrestle in his second tournament soon. I lose my voice screaming for him and always whisper in his ear" I am your biggest fan." He makes me smile. Christopher- his name means "Christ-giver" my dad says he could be president some day, honestly I would be more honored for him to be a "Christ-giver" to Christ-needers. I am so thankful for my children. I am thanful for Savannah, what little time I was given, has changed me to my core. I have struggled this year and this is what I have learned. No book helps the empty, but Jesus does, No drink helps the need to get away, but Jesus does, and no amount of anger, resentment, or vacantness helps, but Jesus does. I am thankful for Jesus, who sometimes helps me breathe when my hurt is that bad, and I thank Him for loving me when I didn't deserve it. I am thankful, so thankful. Enjoy your turkey and sweetpotates.

Public Floggings Are they wrong or Necessary?

In our society there are very few ways as a parent to discipline a child in public. Let me give you a scenario- Walmart-My children have the "Stuff mart" song from Veggietales come into their head the minute we walk into the store' and their ability to turn the other cheek to their sibling magically stops. So, while I am trying to buy hamburger or bread at any moment my three yr old could be screaming at me "let me out" (of the basket of course) and my other two have managed to make aisle 3 the fight club aisle! Now here is the dilemma: Do you tell them "No more fighting please, use your words? OR At that moment do you stop what you are doing shlamp (yes, that is my new greek word- no, not really) them both and threaten them within an inch of their life? Here is my double edged sword I am getting to the actual story I promise!! As a parent there is always someone in Wal-mart that is so quick to roll their eyes at my children, but then when you actually do something about it there is someone else to death glare you or actually voice "Did you see what she just did to that kid?" Which sends me to stroke level faster than my kids can!! OK so here is the actual story. It is not a secret that Andrew, my 6yr old, has a difficult time at school sometimes (wrestling is way more fun than sight words! Jeeese! didn't you know that?!) well I got a call from his teacher yesterday stating that she has been watching Drew and he has found some enjoyment in being a bully to one little boy. Not cool my friends! I think that is the lowest thing you can do is pick on someone not a strong or even strong minded as one might believe they are. So, I asked the teacher where he was at-I was running errands and so I went home, I got my wooden spoon, and I proceeded to go to the school. I got him out of music class and I took him into the bathroom and spoke to him about "Would Jesus want you to pick on a kid and by the way it is JUST PLAIN WRONG, AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK TO YOUR TEACHER WITH SUCH LITTLE DISRESPECT,I WILL COME UP HERE AGAIN AND SPANK YOU AGAIN IF I EVER GET A CALL LIKE THIS AGAIN. I WILL NOT RAISE A MEAN LITTLE BOY!! and then I wore his fanny out! Now, after I did this I thought I am going to jail. LOL!! Then I thought if I don't who will? I do not want him on the Dr. Phil show in 10yrs telling me he has 8 of the 1o characteristics of a serial killer. I am just so frustrated at the fact that I am terrified to discipline my child because of the way our society has pinned the way a child should be raised. I love my kids, I live for them, but let me tell you they can lie, steal, hit, bully, and it is my job to show them they are wrong and then lead them the right direction!! Right?! Have we lost all control, and now we are raising children who believe they can do whatever they want with no consequences? AAAAGH!!! What a crazy time we live in?! I just wish there was a clean line of what we are allowed to do as parents?!! Well off my soapbox I go and now I am going to take some Tums! LOL

November 8, 2007

Dear Savannah Brooke,

Happy Birthday my sweet girl! You would be one today! What a wonderful birthday party we would have had for you!! Pink decorations, pink cake, pink flowers, and pink presents all for you!! How is your birthday in Heaven? I bet the cake tastes better? Did they clap for you when you huffed, and puffed on your candle? Did you get to dive into a special cake just for you? What a year it has been without you! Madison is in the second grade and she loves to read! Her favorite animal is the Cheetah. She is very girly just like you!! We are getting ready to redo her room and make it chocolate brown and pink!! Lovely room for a lovely girl. Andrew started kindergarten he goes to school all day! He is working very hard learning all of his sounds and sight words so he can read! He wrestles day and night! He prays for you everynight that you will get better and Jesus will send you back, but we know that Heaven is your home and you are saving us a spot, and we encourage him to pray for us to be happy here on earth until we go to heaven. CJ is in preschool!! He is almost 4! He wanted to be your big brother really bad!! He was a good big brother! He learned to swim without floaties this summer, and to ride a bike without training wheels last month!! He is a busy brother!! As for Daddy he stays busy and misses you very, very much though sometimes it is to hard for him to admit how much he truly misses you. Little girl you were so wonderful!! As for Mommy I miss my little moment. I miss getting to hold you and watch you yawn. I miss feeding you. I miss the smiles I never got to see. I miss the hugs I will never receive from you. I miss you!! I hope that you have the most wonderful first birthday in Heaven. I hope that you are cuddled extra today. I hope you dig into the most wonderful cake imaginable. I miss my dreams for you. All your birthday wishes have come true, and you are a healthy girl now strong, healed, and loved. I will be with you soon. I love you, Savannah, my wonderful moment, Hold onto Jesus until I get there then we will praise Him together.

I love you minute, Mommy

WWF and all that..

Well Drew started wrestling this week. Good? Bad? I don't know yet. He is on a green, yellow, and red light behavior system at school and if you know Drew yellow is what color the child lives on and it is not because he is mean or hateful, but just because he wants to wrestle ALL the time. Also, at any moment as I am told by his teacher he will break into song. I am exhausted!! This child wears me out! One moment he is ready to scrap and fight and the next he is such a cuddler. He didn't used to be and now it makes me melt! He was the baby that when people tried to make him giggle he just stared at them like "Are you done?" AAh!! I love getting to know him!! He will be 6 on Friday. Wow!! time sure flies! It won't be long and he will be in high school. I thank God for Andrew. He is so precious!! I am so excited and pray for wonderful things for him when he grows up!! He will be my CEO! LOL Thank you Jesus for my Drew..

Advice I need some...

I had the tooth fairy isn't real talk with my 7yr old today. She then asked who else isn't real? I had to tell her neither was the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. Madison then said "You tricked me" You lied. I am no longer going to put money in a college fund I am changing its name to "the Therapy fund." I miss the late night feedings and the puke. It was easier.. How do I fix this?

Who are you?!

Alright! I know that I read a lot of people's blogs but I want to know who is reading mine!! LOL Leave me a comment and let me know if my stories are as interesting as I think they are!! I know they are my babies so I tend to think whatever they do is phenomenal! Let me know I want to know who is reading!! haha!! Sarah

Bittersweet Emotions

Well by the grace of God I believe that within the next week all of the medical bills surrounding Savannah will be paid and we will be back to just paying for what we live on and that is exciting and incredibly painful. It is over. The bills sent to our home addressed to Savannah Martin will stop coming and soon all the random Enfamil samples and coupons will stop arriving in the mail and we will be back to the way things were before she was born. I do however realize that my life, and heart will never be normal again. I am forever a Mother that has a child buried in that cemetery on Memorial. I think about what I have missed in the last year and it makes me hurt to my core. At this moment I should be seeing little bit crawling and walking with a small amount of assistance across the furniture. We should be on level 3 foods and even eating a big amount of real food. She should be able to talk a little. We should be scheduling pictures, planning a wonderful pink birthday party, but I just paid off the freakin medical bill for the hospital where she died. I am a little irritated because it should be like a car really if they don't fix your kid- they don't get paid. Welcome to Sarahland my friends. Welcome! Jeeese!! November 8th is her birthday and for the last year I have thought about what I am going to do for that day, let off balloons, make cupcakes, take family pictures, but right now for the life of me I can't think of something to do that doesn't make me want to throw something up against a wall and just call it a day and go to sleep. I got my tubes tied in January and have not regreted it one minute until August when I was late. I thought oh heavens what am I going to do? If I am, not only is my life now in danger but how will we handle it? Well it ended up not being a pregnancy issue but a stress issue and "my friend" came and I was sad. I told Jon it is not that I wanted to be but I thought I might get a mulligan. (Golf term for do over) I thought that I might get a chance to end having children on a positive note because I am very proud to say that my first three kids are wonderfully healthy, spunky, and worth the wait. They make me smile. I wish my house was cleaner but don't we all? My Savannah's birthday resolution is to get my house the way I want it. Paint and finish my kitchen, redo things and make it mine. Today I am not ok.. Tomorrow maybe not either, but I will survive. I can't wait for Heaven. I can't wait for Jesus, and all that glory I don't deserve.

All of my children are in school and I am full force in the PTA for Andrew, and Madison's school. I am fighting a sinus infection along with a three yr old that hid under the bed today because he was sad Boomer (our shih-tzu) would be lonely. I had to carry him into school today- late which I hate being late, and he didn't want to wear his shoes and so that was a battle also. I have stopped screaming at my children in the car that if they didn't stay in their seat the police were going to take Mommy to jail after my 5 yr. olds response was not of sadness but a "that doesn't sound like a bad idea" kind of statement! I realized they had called my bluff and I had lost the battle. Well the last couple of weeks have been insanity!! Starting with the Welcome Breakfast for the Teachers, Meet the Teacher day, Curriculum night, ending with a picnic on Thursday!! I will from now on appreciate these events more when I go to them because I now understand that there are people putting everything they have into these events, and good or bad they have sacrificed time with their kids which is what they are ultimately doing it for and instead of watching that extra TV show with the spouse they are double checking price and volunteer lists. A lot of hard work goes into these events!! I don't care if my kids remember every event I just want them to remember I was there and I cared enough to be part of it. Our society is so busy that we have lost that urge to slow down and enjoy our children. I don't do it often enough!I was so excited about Andrew going to Kindergarten that when I actually walked him to class I realized I needed a muffin to at the BOO HOO breakfast I was hosting!! I enjoy the PTA and volunteering, it is keeping me out of bed, showered, with make-up on, and that is a good thing!!

It's My Birthday

Well today, I turned 28. I am settled and believe that 28 is definitely going to be better than 27! If you know me at all you understand that this year is can I say it worth forgetting? Since I had Savannah and then ultimately she died I have lived in a worse case scenario lifestyle for the most part, and keep myself as busy as possible. Most days are really good- others I am not a true functioning member of society. Ha! Ha! We have worked really hard to maintain our sanity even when some of our "friends" tell people we have gone off the deep end. What exactly is the deep end and do they really have room or freedom to talk? Anyway! I have sat down a made a list of all the bad and good things that have happened to me this year so as you read all the good things know that I am praising God everyday for the good things and struggling to get past the bad. It has been a good birthday and it kind of felt like I was making New Year's resolutions the whole time. I choose life. I choose to get out of bed and color with my kids, I am choosing to cook. LOL I am choosing to love my husband with all of his faults. I am choosing to try as hard as I can to be the best wife for him. I choose my children. It has all been bittersweet. I miss her and I am often a little jealous of little babies in their little swimmers and intertubes. I long for that. Its the little things. Spf 60 suntan lotion, little summer dresses. I see her carseat all the time- Pink plaid with a daisy where her head would rest. Oh Lord! How my heart hurts and I am so thankful at the same time.

Bad -

Loss of Savannah -

Dirty house -

Lawn that needs to be mowed -

Fights with family

-

Good

My family is still together

My house will eventually be clean

Choosing to make new friends

Knowing we are not crazy

I am happy with myself

I love my church

I have a new hobby in the PTA LOL!!

God has provided new and existing wonderful friends that have taught me how real friends should act. I don't need to be around the people I used to hang around with. Sadly, they were let downs, and I choose not to be who I was anymore.

I am truly grateful for my family. What a gift from God my parents have been, and our pastor Larry and his wife Cindy who have loved us at our worst and lowest. Who treat us like their own children. We are a Grateful people.....

I believe the way that we have handled ourselves this year after the loss of our daughter has been the way God has wanted us to, and we will either be vindicated or justified in the end. So, frankly the people who think we are wrong can mind their business. We are doing the best we can with the lot that was handed to us. Some might not understand why I am writing what I am writing others will, but as God as might witness I will survive this.

Exploring

Hello, I must be in a writing mood!! I have written more in the last week then I have in a long time!! The kids are going to bible school this week which is absolutely wonderful for my sanity right now!! haha!! I love my kids but keeping them entertained during the summer is getting more and more difficult! My kids are just at the age where they can ride their bikes well, starting to feel really daring, but still not quite big enough to go anywhere but up the street. (We live in a double cult-te-sac so that is nice!!) Drew today, my daring one, decided he was going to ride his bike around the block without asking!! UM yea! I got sick to my stomach!!! He was gone before I could yell for him to come back!! I thought "What am I going to do?" I was watching my friends kids so I couldn't just hop in the car and go get him. So, I started walking towards the place he should be riding his bike too!! He got there. Let me first say that I told him to get off his bike and go to his room. When I got into his room I said: AND I QUOTE!! " Son let me first say how impressed I am that you rode your bike around the block that is really cool, but you scared me really bad because you just left without telling me. What if something would have happened to you? He then began crying and said I know I was very scared when I got around the block and so I kept riding until I found you!! I said we need to talk to Dad and find out how far you can ride from home but right now lets stay on our street. Then as nice as I could I said if you leave our street again I will wear your bottom out! Do you understand me. He said "uh-huh" I said I love you so much I would not want anything to happen to you. Lord help me is what I pray daily!! Haha!! Life is always such an adventure!! Well while the kids were at bible school I got a facial which was really nice. I don't really do that as often as I should!! Sometimes I feel like there is no real point!! haha! Anyway it was wonderful and I am going to buy some new makeup which is fun!! haha!! That was my day!! Life is good..

Just a note....

I have nothing really to say. I just needed a minute.
To all the women who have lost children and wanted to dig them up and hold them when you thought they were cold, or wet. You are not crazy.
To all the Mothers who have lost children and people stare at with pity - This to shall pass.
To all the Mothers who still love to hold babies but at the same time cannot stand the sight of them. You are fine
To all the Mothers whose dreams are lost. You will make new-different ones.
To all the Mothers who have lost a child and now struggle to be a good mom again to the children that are still living. Keep going.
To all the Mothers who just feel lost - You're not.
To all the Mothers who feel alone - You're not.
To all the Mothers who cry- cry until you feel better.
To all the Mothers who are so proud of their babies that just weren't strong enough to survive- Keep being proud.
To all the Mothers who have found strength in Christ. Keep believing that He is in Control. In your darkest moment let God shine through you- it might be the only Jesus people see.

To all my friends who love and pray for me..... Thank you, Sarah

A Little Rant

Oh! Blogdy , blog , blog..... This has been a rough week I don't know why but I just want to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth!! LOL! I am really ready to get a routine back for my kids!! I can take them swimming, let them play outside, and keep them up late but they still wake up with the sun!?! I don't get it!! Sleep already!! LOL! I just realized I may be getting old?! Whew! I said it!! My birthday is coming up and I will be one year closer to 30. *sniffle* I want a birthday party!! I haven't had one in forever!! Is it still allowed after 25? I have to admit I have been on a little pity party lately I want my girl back but it just is not going to happen. Ouch! I just want to know if she is held by Jesus daily, if Jon's mom holds her, or my dear sweet aunt that we called Sister loves on her daily? I want to know if she has met Job yet or Noah? Has she met Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John? What about Lullabys? I am getting closer and closer to her 1st birthday. Do we celebrate it? What do we do? Any suggestions? I don't know I still have a couple of months. I would like to think I am down to having bad moments but I am still having bad days. It is true. I think I am going to work out after the kids start school again. Sounds good. I have met some ladies in my neighborhood that are interested in walking I might start walking with them. I have got to live again. I haven't really cared. I don't really care about what people think of me right now. I just want to make sure my husband and kids are happy. I also think people who live in glass houses should not throw stones. Jon and .. are doing well and I am happy for that. Life right now is moving around us like a freight train and we are sticking together and I am proud of that. Most of the time we just feel like we have been hit by that train!! haha! Everyday is one foot in front of the other, good or bad, but hopefully one day we will finish our race and win the prize we are striving for. Pure joy in the presence of God. I am ready for that. Thanks for the rant.. Sarah

Hello friends!! Well it has been a while since I posted a blog and that is because I have three children two of which are boys whose main goal is what they can hang from or how many times mom has to come outside to turn off the hose. I keep yelling IT HAS RAINED QUIT PLAYING IN THE HOSE OUR BACKYARD IS ALREADY A SWAMP!! CJ (my 3yr old) giggles and runs away. My 5 yr old Andrew is as my friend Paula calls it an equal opportunity fighter it doesn't matter if you are black, white, Hispanic, younger, older, male or female he wants to fight you and at any moment could ruin some guys ability to have children. I keep saying "son you can't punch your dad there it hurts him" (as my husband is bent over gasping for air) I then try not to giggle. Drew fights with Maddie, CJ, and managed to "wrestle" with a boy he just met at my father in law's church's 50 yr anniversary service. Also, at one point in time I caught my boys trying to get to the baptismal room so they could "see the water" I could just see them taking a flying leap into that symbol of "buried with Christ in Baptism and raised to walk in newness of life" Well we went on vacation last week to Alabama with my parents and it was a wonderful departure of real life. The kids got to fish, run around and get dirty and meet family they have never met before it was wonderful!! The 12 hour drive went amazingly well!! The person who came up with the portable DVD player should win the Nobel Peace prize! Well, on the Maddie front I am a little saddened to say that my 7yr old daughter at lunch yesterday said that she doesn't want to take dance lessons she wants to learn to dirt bike race!! I have failed as a mother!! LOL I mean I painted her room pink, I made her wear hair bows, and most of her barbies still have their heads but for Pete's sake!! DIRT BIKES!!! She is not allowed to watch motor cross or "Pinks" with Jon any more!! I have to have one year where that child wears a freakin tutu!!!!!! It is my right as a mother with a daughter to make her dance and get those for picture and humilation purposes when she is older right?!! Oh well!! It could be worse!! haha!
Well I am off to take the kids swimming and improve my tan!! LOL I hope to write more soon!! Thanks!! Gotta go one of the boys is hanging from something!!! Sarah

8 yrs later

Tomorrow June 12, 2007 will be Jon and I's 8th wedding anniversary!! WOOHOO!! I believe a notch to your belt every year should be celebrated and cheered for. Marriage is hard work. It clearly is the hardest job I will ever have besides being a mother. There are days I love every ounce of Jon the minute he steps in the room, I can't get enough of him, and other days I can't stand the very floor he stands on!! When I think of Jon these are some of the things that I think of - best friend, worst enemy, my biggest competitor, faithful teamate, arrogant, humble when he needs to be, protector, lover, father to my babies, umbrella from the rain of this world, bark worse than his bite, jack of all trades, will help anyone, and loves me often times saving me from myself - husband! When he came into my life I wanted nothing more than to hold his hand and follow him for the rest of my life. If you have ever met Jon he at times can be abrasive, but I have never seen a person like him. He will drop what he is doing to help someone in need. It is his most endearing and annoying quality. We have been through a lot in the last 8 yrs. Having 4 children- one which we had no choice but to let her go be with Jesus. I watched my husband with everything he had try to breathe life back into our girl but to no avail she was already gone. He gave 110% just like he does with everything and still lost that battle. He remains my hero. In our darkest moment we promised to be each others #1. We have watched his mother suffer from cancer and ultimately succumb to her illness and still he remained strong. I have seen him broken, and at his darkest moment look at me at tell me how much he loved me. That is a good man. He doesn't shmooze.. He is what he is.. . take him or leave him. He is confident, never jealous. I love to see his eyes change their look when Madison walks in the room. She was a daddy's girl her first day of life. She makes his day. I love to watch our boys try to be like him. Big, strong, tough, and sometimes grouchy! Haha!! All so very tenderhearted though!! In our 8yrs of marriage I have wanted to kill him, and I have sometimes wanted to leave, but I have realized how messed up I am for him!! I would be good for no one else because I was made to be with him He is pretty messed up for me too!! What a beautiful mess we are in!! I would have changed a lot about the last year, but not for one moment did I ever want to have survived or faced this without him. Everyday I push to be a better wife!! I would drop anyone that could come between us without a second glance, and I have. So, thank you Jon for the last 8yrs. I can't wait to celebrate 50 with you. What a day that will be. You are my heart. You are what I dreamed for as a little girl, and I thank you for loving me as I am. We are so very, very blessed....

A Little Giggle

Well it is the beginning of the summer and I would like to post several things my kids enjoy doing at this particular time.
1. Torment the dog. (It doesn't matter how much they love him making him bark is way more fun!)
2. Torment each other- (It doesn't matter how much they love each other- pissing your brother off enough to get him to scream at gut curdling proportions is priceless!)
3. Destroying the house- "Let mom clean we will destroy it later"
4. Making mom go to stroke level in 0-2 seconds is AWESOME!!!
5. Playing in the backyard- You know it’s been a fun day when your yard looks like the ghetto when they go to bed!
6. Eating, eating, eating it’s like we have never done it before!! What a concept!
7. Screaming for absolutely no reason at all! ALL OF THE TIME!!
I will write more as they come along!! BRING IT ON SUMMER! BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!

End of the Year Awards

Maddie and a friend both have to do bunny ears

Maddie and some of her classmates!

State reading award! She read 25 books this year! We read 30 books in one month!! Awesome!!

Outstanding Reading improvement! Maddie had a rough year but she worked sooooo hard!!

She reads it very seriously!!

Maddie getting an encouragement award

Maddie and her friend Trey

Drew and his class singing "Kindergarten here we come! HERE WE COME!

Please look at my camera not your friends!! one picture please!!!

Andrew getting the Respect award and if you know Andrew you know why I got the giggles when they called his name! I thought he would surely get the perseverance award!!!

Well summer has begun and I have been given the chance to brag on my children a little. Madison will be starting the second grade in the fall and Drew will begin kindergarten. Whew! I know I will blink and they will be in high school!! Right now though I will cherish all the little awards they get in their classes! I am not the best photographer but I try!! I think my kids are beautiful!! haha!

It's Summertime!

This is what happens when I am cleaning and CJ gets to quiet. I hear "Mom help!! I stuck!" He has scaled the drawers onto the cabinet and how he got on top of the refrigerator I just don't know!! Sadly, instead of getting him down I ran for my camera!

My kids got a new and wonderful toy from our friend David! Thank you David! We luckly have a field behind our house so it is a safari everytime!!

Mighty, mighty travelers

Summer starts with Memorial Day

Well every summer begins with Memorial Day. BOO! We have done pretty well. I picked out the first set of Memorial Flowers for Savannah's grave and frankly I have come to the conclusion that no flower will ever be beautiful enough, and that is ok. I had the most wonderful honor of running into one of the mom's I met while Savannah was in the NICU at Wal-mart on Saturday. Her baby was born at 28 weeks-(I think- don't quote me!) She was born at 2lbs and had already been in the hospital a month when Savannah was born then moved to that hospital. I remember several nights I sat near her watching her panic when her daughter's SATS were going up and down. I remember every time I heard a monitor I looked up to make sure it wasn't Savannah's monitors going off- every parent did it quote me. It takes months to not hear beeping in your head when you leave that place. I was so arrogant!! I remember thinking. We are so lucky it could be so much worse. "We are just waiting for her to weigh 5lbs so she can have her shunt put in and then when she is 1 they will do a full repair.” We are so lucky. Ha! Well if you know us we weren't so lucky. Well at least not in the way that society considers us lucky. Back to Wal-mart I stood in one check out aisle as she stood in the other when I saw her. I was purchasing the memorial flowers I had finally chosen and she with her beautiful, chubby, eight month old purchasing whatever she was at the store for. We were two mothers with two very different outcomes. She didn't know Savannah had died, and asked how she was doing. I just shook my head no, and turned my attention to her wonderful miracle. She is so lucky so, so lucky. I want to make a confession I still love holding babies. I LOVE IT! What people need to understand in these types of situations is yes, I have lost a baby and on some level with every baby I see my heart hurts a little, but when she is supposed to be 12 I will look at every 12 yr. old and my heart will hurt a little still. While holding babies though I don't need to be watched or pitied because I don't want that baby I want my baby. I will always want mine. ALWAYS. So, worries about me having a chopper outside ready to zoom off with the baby, it's not going to happen because the saying is true "Every old crow thinks hers is the blackest." It's true as wonderful as my friend's babies are they will never be as wonderful or beautiful as mine because she was mine. I miss her like crazy! It stinks that instead of getting to watch her roll over because she would be doing that right now I am finding the perfect bouquet of flowers to place in her vase. I do like Memorial Day. This day is for all the men and women who have lost their lives to fight for our freedom. Our freedom to worship, our freedom to support our government, and our freedom to not support our government I am the first not the latter. I'll keep thatmy opinion of what I think our nation has become for a different blog. LOL! I just want to say I still think Jon and I are lucky, so very lucky. We have 3 beautiful children that are healthy, ornery, and my joy. Jon and I have each other and I live and breathe for him. Besides Jesus Jon saves me from myself most of the time he is my heart. I am so very, very lucky. I can even see through the fog that I have been in and I know how absolutely blessed my life is. Such joy......

I stopped playing the game...

Ok so if I haven't talked to you in a while I get to enlighten you on why in the heck I took down my site. It is the long drawn out high school drama crap that I was so giddy to get away from when I graduated! In our continued journey to grieve the death of Savannah we have had a lot of people tell us how they fear for the way we are grieving. I have really struggled talking about this, but I am beyond frustrated with people telling me I am not grieving right, watching every move or action we make; and having the nerve to be irritated that we don't want to hang out it just makes me sick. I have three kids I am lucky to get to hang out in my own bathroom by myself. I have never been one to keep a notebook of things that I have done for people so when a fight brews there is an arsenal of things that I can use against the person I am fighting with. That is not truly giving its just providing ammo for future fights. In our weakest moments we have had people we love kick us while we are down. We have been psychoanalyzed, judged and even ridiculed to the point that shutting down and staying in our home seems to be the best option! Then, when we finally have the nerve to say "I refuse to play this game with you" we are called crazy, irrational, and bitter because we lost our daughter. Let me admit that at some point I have been all of those things but do you blame me?! I went to the cemetery last week because I had not been in two months, and the first thing I see is bird poop on her headstone. That made me a little bitter. Let me let you know I know that she is not there and I don't stay more than 5-10 minutes because what is the point? I realize I am talking to a rock, but I go because that spot is what holds my wonderful moment. Savannah's spirit is with Jesus and I won't get to know her until after I meet Jesus myself, but the body I held, the strawberry blonde hair I ran my fingers through, and the cheeks I kissed are in that spot in the ground and that is the closest point to where we are still together. I have realized how completely powerless I am, so bring on the craziness!! It has nothing to do with the stone, but I know how much effort Jon and I put into our children's name. We picked the name for each one of our children. Madison was going to be Madison Paige, Savannah Brooke, or Peyton Louis (I believe that we changed Peyton in the end but THANK God we had a girl!) Andrew Nicholas, it was such a strong name and it was perfect for him. Christopher Joseph, (CJ) was picked by Jon and I agreed. All of them sound really great when I have to yell them out the back door! Honest to goodness I HATE seeing her name on that stone and it is still very surreal to me that " I lost a baby." I don't know if the pain in the pit of my stomach will ever go away when I see her name.
That is it it's all that is left of her other than pictures. Honestly my patience has shortened and having friendships that our conversations were only about persons we trashed on that day just made me feel like a "plastic" and I hated myself and wanted more. I wanted depth, and encouragement in a way some people cannot provide for me anymore. So, when the confrontation happened I became the person to be trashed. It is not a place I want to be and the inner scrapper in me had come out again. I had to stop playing the game. I had to take down my last page so I could be hidden from those people and talk to the people I was really on myspace for. I want to be able to write about things and not have certain people believe it is about them! Frankly, I really just think of myself right now and how in the world am I going to shove my pain down enough to clean my house, or take care of my kids the way I used too. My worst fear is to have my living children when they are grown ups tell me "well after Savannah died you just didn't love us or take care of us the same and we feel jipped." That is a therapy session I never want my children to have. With our world the way it is the last thing they need to worry about is whether they were loved enough as children. I am trying to find real, encouraging, in love with Jesus friends that will love me for me and I can do the same for them. So, now that I have spilled my guts my load feels a little lighter. Thank GOD I am not who I used to be, and forgive me if you can't see my heart right now, but I am so humbled by what has happened in my life and I am not the person I use to be or even the person I was 6 months ago, and I plan to prove that for the rest of my life. Thanks for hearing my rant… Sarah

A Little Venting Never Hurts

So I haven't written in a while on this site so I figured I would sit down and write a little. I am doing pretty good right now. I have stayed really, really busy. Most of the time good, but sometimes to my detriment. Lately, I have had a lot on my mind and I am over thinking. Thinking is way overrated. LOL! I remember being in high school and my day revolved around what people thought of me and really it killed me to not be liked. Now, I think I have grown up and my attitude is "well this is it and if you don't like me like this you probably never will." I really like this line of thinking now, and frankly I am trying to accept it. Sometimes it is easier said than done. I am just really confused right now. I have had best friends through the years and I really enjoyed being their friend but it always involved more than sadly I wanted to give. I grew up wanting and demanding to be the center of attention, but now I would like to be as far out of that circle as I possibly can. I have tried to not talk out of both sides of my mouth but it has happened. I admit it, but I just don't want to do that anymore. Today was not a good day, it was long, not a lick of sunshine, and a lot of rain. EEH! My daughter said something to me the other day and it is shocking to me how fast a girl learns to cut you right to the core. She said I wanted to stay at Grandma's house because her girl cousins were there and she didn't have a sister to play with. Whew! How do you respond to that? 1.) because you know she is cutting below the belt 2.) I never had a sister either and I know exactly how she felt? 3.) Buckle and let her win. I told her I fought with everything I had in me to not let her sister die it was just bigger than us and we had to accept that, but we weren't going to hurt each other in the process. I worry about Madison because I grew up with two brothers. I don't deal with girls very well. I never understood the smooch, smooch, screaming. love, love crap that some of my friends dished out.(most of the time fake) *eye roll* Maybe because I never trusted them enough to believe what they were saying. I don't like being told one thing and then their actions speak louder than words. I hung out with guys in high school, and I was always the friend, never the one they all wanted to be in love with. EEH so irritating!! haha! I just felt more relaxed and honest to goodness I think every girl says this. LOL I am just learning to have friends because I am not really good at it. I love God, my kids, my husband, my family, and my church and nothing else really matters. Honestly, I am an adult now and pleasing friends that aren't family isn't a concern for me anymore. My sister in law is one of my best friends, we have had rough moments but bottom line we would be there for each other. Jon is my best friend in the whole world and part of the time I just want to kick him in the face for acting like he is better that EVERYONE!!! but I love the crap out of that man. I hang out with people right now I never in a million years thought I would and I like it . I guess I have just wiped all the crap off my shoes and moved on and I am content. It's a good feeling

Pictures from Easter

Easter Sunday! Here is some pics of my sweet family!

God is good! If you look really close on Drew's lap is our new puppy Boomer!! Precious!

Happy Easter!

Meet Boomer!

Drew the handsome devil!

My sweet Maddie girl!

CJ took time out from playing outside and getting filthy to decorate easter eggs!

CJ right before his school Easter egg hunt!!

Hey! Happy Easter everyone!! We got a new puppy and we decorated easter eggs today!! We sat and told our kids about what Easter is really about and how much Jesus loves us!! It was so awesome! Life is good! I am posting some pics of my babies!!

I Want More

Laughter is the best medicine. We laugh a lot in my home. Laughter is why I fell in love with Jon. He makes me laugh because well he is kind of a dork, but so am I. After being married for 7 almost 8yrs I know how he ticks, tocks, and everything in between. We are polar opposites, and I had a friend once say she didn't know how we got together because we didn't look like a couple. What kind of statement is that? LOL! Honestly I can say we are polar opposites, and we have nearly killed each other trying to understand how the other thinks over the last 7 yrs. Jon is Type A, everything needs to be done a certain way, and the very reason I fell in love with him is what drives me the craziest about him today! I told him one day "When I met you I was so impressed with how confident you were, but now I just think you're arrogant! See, this is where the personalities collide. I am laidback, go with the flow, and my attitude is "it will get done" I am laidback to the point of lazy. Yep that is right I said it! The past few months has made me evaluate our marriage, my heart, and my life. I want more. I want more for Jon, more for my kids, and more for my heart. It's good right now. Really good, but I want more. When Savannah was born very sick I think I fell in love with Jesus again. Funny isn't it? I knew He was my only hope. He could heal her, but He didn't. Not here. I hurt every single day, and there is not a moment in my day where she is not in my thoughts but I refuse to let the death of my daughter be the end of what God can do with me. I believe that God inhabits the praises of His people, and I plan to praise Him every, single day of my life until I die. God is my treasure, and in Him I will find my value. I will no longer compromise my integrity to belong. I want more because I choose Joy. I may not feel it, but God appropriated it and I Choose it! (Thank you, Beth Moore) When I die I want to stand in front of my God, and He greet me like my Dad does with a hug that is safe, and home. I don't want to be greeted by a long, forgotten friend because I chose to walk away from the relationship I could have had with Him because I was angry. I want it to be as amazing as I have always been told it's going to be. If I allow Him to use me- everything will change. I will be more. It could be really cool.

"By the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abuntantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me." 1Cor 15:10

“I can’t find anywhere in the Word of God where it says a woman should get her sense of security, worth, or value from a place, possession, or position, or any person other than Jesus Christ.” Patsy Clairmont

Calgon and Spice and Everything Nice That's What Boys are Made of?

I should have known growing up with two brothers that boys are adventurous and daring. My brothers shouldn't be alive after some of the things they have done. I call Jonathan, my older brother, Mr. Wizard. He is the kid that would watch The "Mr. Wizard Show" on Nickelodeon and try as many of the experiments as possible. I don't know how my parents had a home that stayed standing. Aaron was the daredevil. He was pushed of a fence once and popped his elbow out of socket and pushed it back into place himself. I see my brothers in my boys. Andrew is Jonathan and C.J. is Aaron's "mini me" Andrew has curiosity that amazes me. Drew came out of me exploring. He watched everything and I always said he went from rolling to crawling to climbing in about a week! He is a listener, and is so sharp. He started pre-k this year and at his first teacher's conference I just knew they would tell us he was crazy! Actually we got the he is so smart we need to keep him focused, and choices conference. RIGHT! This is how my story begins. I believe that this event happened during Fall Break. I was folding clothes in the bedroom when I heard the cabinets in my kitchen opening and closing. (CJ went through a stage where is played with my pots and pans) When I started putting clothes away I started to smell spices. (It always starts with a smell in my stories) I smelled oregano and liquid smoke. Our family room is a converted garage and so this room is enormous and has hiding places. When I found the boys they had mixed in a huge plastic bowl. Calgon soap, liquid smoke, oregano, bay leaves, salsa, and some sesame seed oil. I stood and watched them for a minute as they stirred that horrific mixture together, and as proud as he could be Drew said "MOM YOU GOTTA TRY THIS" I said yea! no! I hide all of the cleaning products! haha!

Baby book

Baby book
Today was a wonderful and sad day. My friend Cindy offered to make Savannah's baby book; I accepted, she finished the book and gave it to me tonight. The book is so wonderful! It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I emailed a friend tonight and we were talking about Savannah's death. The grief process is different when you lose a child. When I lost my friend Cameron 7yrs ago to a car accident I had memories of when we were kids, times when we had laughed together, and times we competed against each other during Bible Bowl at church. He was my very first boyfriend when I was 5, and at 19 he came to my bridal room when I got married because he was going out with friends, he couldn't stay for the ceremony, but couldn't drive past the church and not see me. It was the last time I saw him-he was killed in a car accident 4 months later. I had that memory. When I lost Savannah I lost my hopes and dreams for her, and everything that I thought God had in store for her. No monumental memories. That is devastating. I will not lie. Losing anyone that changes your world- changes you. I had so much hope for Savannah just like I have for my other children. The night she died I was supposed to ride on the life flight helicopter with her, and Jon with our pastor Larry had left to meet us at the flight pad at St. Francis hospital in Tulsa. My parents stood at their van waiting for Savannah and me to get on the helicopter. That would never happen and they watched them, the life flight team, turn off the helicopter, and my parents came back inside the E.R. I was told my child would not survive. It was funny how many people start running for trash cans when I said "I am going to throw up!" I didn't throw up, but my heart dropped into my stomach. I called my husband and told him to come back to Broken Arrow. Then, the nurse told me to go into her room, and they asked me what I wanted. "What did I want?" I want her to BREATHE!! Inside I was screaming!! No, come on God not my girl. God, please heal her heart! Heal her heart! Savannah please breathe-breathe Savannah! What I actually said was don't stop until Jon comes back. Then, I bent over to my sweet Savannah's ear I told her how much I loved her, and I sang to her. I believe that she heard me until she heard angels sing. God took my baby at that moment and healed her. He made her new. No matter how much money we could have spent, or how many Doctors would or could treat her she would never be new or healed. This last month I have realized how much she reminded me of how we are as humans. Sometimes we look perfect on the outside, but our insides are a mess. I am not ashamed to say that she was a mess on the inside because she was. She was a sick little girl and she could only be healed by God. We as believers are the same. We are beautiful on the outside, but inside we are a mess, and that is why we need Jesus. Romans 5:20,21 says " Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." That was grace when God reached down and took my Savannah home. At that moment He changed her. He healed her. He made her new. God did the same thing when He sent Jesus. Because through our ugliness God loves us, so much that he reached down to change us, heal us, and make us new. There is not a greater love. Like a mother to her child. He loved us and gave His life for us. How could we ask for more?

Corn dogs and microwaves

When I was a child I had several places that were wonderlands for me; Sam's is one of them. Think about it when entering this magical place the first thing that greets you is big screen T.V.s, jewelery counters, and tables upon tables of clothes. Scattered around this enormous place are nice little old ladies making little pizzas, cheese filled pretzels, and maybe some samples of cookies with M&M's in them. (I have a friend that specifically takes her child on Saturdays around lunchtime because the child could eat lunch while she shopped) It's always bothered me that I could buy a 2 carat diamond ring and a lifetime supply of peanut butter in the same place or a big screen T.V. and an economy size box of condoms.(That many condoms can be purchased I have done it and I have no shame in admitting that!) I compare it to a comedian that used to say why do they sell hot tubs at the state fair? When did a hot tub become an impulse buy? Seriously! Well the only reason that I write this little rant is to preface the story of what my blog is actually about. Also, let me say that going into Sam's without a specific list is not smart because suddenly a box of 50 Jimmy Dean sausage biscuits seems like a smart buy. So, I was driving home trying to figure out how I just blew $200 bucks on nothing, and my daughter Madison started the "I'm hungry" gripe, and I said we will have corn dogs when we get home. Arriving home with 3 children I begin to unload the van, the kids are running around like inmates who have taken over the asylum, so I don't need to tell you my nerves are shot! I have a habit a not unloading the groceries immediately upon getting home because I usually go hide in the bathroom to regain my sanity from the trip I have just taken with my children for a few minutes. While in the bathroom I started to wipe down the counter top, and just have a minute to myself. Bad, bad move.... While I hid Andrew cut open the box of 50 State fair corn dogs and removed it from its package and put it in the microwave; pushed the numbers for 90 minutes and walked away expecting to hear the beep when it was done being cooked. Do you know what happens when I corn dog stick stays in a microwave to long? It starts smoking, and the corn dog begins to burn, and burn and even spark a little. I came out of my room and smoke is billowing out of the microwave and my smoke alarm begins to go nuts. Andrew starts screaming I didn't mean to! I'm hungry! AAAAAGH! I have no shame in saying I stayed in the bathroom to long or that my children on a regular basis divide and conquer me, but they are mine and the stories seem really funny now. haha! I still haven't figured out how to get the burnt smell out of the house before my husband gets home from work, because the "what the heck happened?" look he gets on his face when he walks through the door and is hit by the whiff of burnt anything makes me go crazy! Then, I find myself sounding like a yappy dog. I JUST NEEDED A MINUTED TO MYSELF! DREW GOT HUNGRY! HE BURNT THE CORN DOG! THE MICROWAVE IS FINE! IT WASN'T A REAL FIRE! Jon rolls his eyes, opens the microwave to check if the top of the microwave is black and then walks away with a totally baffled look on his face. I have to make sure I make a list before I go to Sam's I may still have some sausage biscuits at the bottom of my deep freezer! LOL Never a dull moment- ever. Next, I will write what Body soap and random spices from the cupboard smell like when mixed together. Lovely........

The Magical World of Boys

It has been an eventful weekend and I was a little giddy this morning when my children woke me up because I knew they were going back to school today!! WOOO HOOO! It's not that I don't enjoy my children at home, but it's the making sure they don't 1.) Burn the house down 2.) Play Mr.Wizard with anything they find in the fridge or my spice cabinet that tends to send me over the edge. Let me begin by saying that both have been either tried or done in my home. I will begin with my first story. HAHA! I have a daughter who just turned 7, and she came out sugar and spice and everything nice. I am serious Madison is laid back, go with the flow, and somewhat of a little momma. Drew came out in a black and white world with no gray areas and full of vinegar. Jon and Drew are more alike than Jon would like to admit, but both of their growls are worse than their bites. C.J. is my charmer, but just as naughty as Drew, but has an innocent face, so he slides by a lot. Drew is now 5, but when he was 3 he plugged in Jon's heating gun which looks like a hairdryer and heats to about 1500 degrees turned that sucker on and burnt about 50 holes in my carpet. I was in the kitchen doing dishes and I could not figure out why I was smelling burnt plastic. Walking through the house I was sniffing, looking, and searching for the reason for the smell then I see the smoke... When I got to the Family room I spot him, along with an envelope smoldering under my new leather couch, and my carpet burned to the cement. Shock is an understatement. After I blew out the envelope and made sure the carpet was not on fire I called Jon. HE BURNED HOLES IN THE CARPET!! Jon said what? I said with YOUR heating gun YOUR son burnt about 50 holes in the carpet!! Jon asked How in the world did he figure out how to use that heat gun? I said he is 3, he is not stupid! He watches me dry my hair everyday! My floor was ruined but Drew did not burn the furniture, himself, or his siblings. We had to replace the carpet....... Tomorrow I will write about what a corn dog will do in a microwave when the timer is set for 90 minutes. Good times.

Just so ya know

My previous blog is all my postings from myspace. I cancelled my account but I enjoy the writing and it has been helpful to read since I lost Savannah. God has been good and I hope to write more in the next couple of days, and then write on a weekly or daily basis!!

Monday, February 26, 2007
Skating parties Current mood: Good
I am trying to be a involved parent, but I swear to Pete that school skating parties are torture!! I am serious I paid money for my kids to go to this party and Jon had to come get Andrew, and I just prayed for Madison to go around the rink once! Just once!! I watched as kids subjected themselves to horrible falls, running up against the walls, and just plain torture to themselves on skates. I laughed the whole time and thought Maddie should have brought butt pads!! haha!! I am a terrible mother because of the grins I got out of this evening!! By the way I love those freakin pretzels at the concession stand!! haha

Saturday,February 17, 2007
Song I Heard Current mood: peaceful
I hurt the sweetest song last weekend and just really blessed my heart.
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby.. You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby.. Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we're home with you… Until we're home with you…
Miss you everyday Miss you in every way But we know there's aday when we will hold you We will hold you You'll kiss our tears away When we're home to stay Can't wait for the day when we will see you We will see you But baby let sweet Jesus hold you'till mom and dad can hold you… You'll just have heaven before we do You'll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it's hard tounderstand it 'cause we're hurting We are hurting But there is healing And we know we're stronger people through the growing And in knowing- That all things work together for our good And God works His purposes just like He said He would… Just like He said He would…
BRIDGE: I can't imagine heaven's lullabies and what they must sound like But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home And it's all you'll ever know…all you'll ever know…

Saturday, February 17, 2007
Depression is not becoming. Current mood: sad Category: Life
Whew!! The last two weeks have been needless to say poopy! Yea, I said it POOPY!! Well we learned two weeks ago that Savannah would not be getting a Social Security Card because she was "dropped in the system" and they won't issue a card or number to a deceased person. I learned this information after I sat in the Social Security Administration for an hour, and she said that she wasn't in the system. I called the day before and they told me she had a number but they would not give it to me over the phone which is why I came to that building. So the lady handed me a number for the IRS and told me to get her a tax i.d. number so I could file our taxes. A tax i.d. number? That's it? Sadly, she is a one time deduction on our taxes for this year alone. My poor husband got my frantic call SHE WON'T HAVE A NUMBER!! THEY WON'T ISSUE HER A CARD! IT'S LIKE SHE DIDN'T EXIST!! I know it's not true because she touched so many people's lives, but all I want is anything and everything that could possibly have her name on it so she won't be forgotten or worse seem like she never existed. We have to paper file and send in her birth certificate, and in her social security line it says deceased. Adding insult to injury her birth certificate said she was male!! (We got that fixed thank goodness!!) Lately, the thought has consumed me Why my kid? why? why? why? I may never know, but you can bet everyday I ask God to reveal that to me. I hate that it is so cold outside because they can't lay her headstone because the ground is cold and the cement won't set. Can you believe I am talking about this? I should be talking about how I am so tired because she won't sleep through the night, or that she started to giggle. I have to talk about how I am anxious to see my child's headstone with her name on it and whether the grass has grown back over her little grave. I have lost my dang mind! Yea, I read a lot right now over stages of grief- blah, blah! If you know me I talk a lot, but right now I am in the make everyone feel uncomfortable when I talk about my feelings stage. I can see it on people's faces that they have heard enough but I can't stop talking about her. I told Jon the other night I should have held her longer. I should have never left her on that bed waiting for the Medical Examiner to pick her up and take her. I should have stayed until she left, but I was the one who left that hospital first. - Lost- I would have changed a lot of things, but it just isn't my call. I trust God, but why my kid? The harder I try to get back into life the more my body wants to stay in bed. Yea it's grief and right now I am consumed by it. I am hoping tomorrow will be better. How many more weeks until spring?

Friday, January 12, 2007
I need a shout out!! LOL I TOOK THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS DOWN! WOO HOO! It helped that my two year old pulled all the greenery off my fireplace mantel shattering candles and almost all of my Christmas figurines!! LOL I said ok God I will take it down jeese!! LOL Everything is safely packed and back in the attic! Yea!! Let the rearranging of the furniture begin. My husband is going to love me!! (He hates when I move things around) Good luck all the Tulsa area people it looks like we got some ice coming our way! Enjoy the laziness on your couches, and movie watching bliss with your sweetie!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Today
Well God is good. I am still getting out of bed, and I walked my kids to school today. Yea!!! I haven't taken my Christmas tree down yet. I know I should but that would mean that Christmas would be a memory, and Savannah would still be gone. Most of the time I am ok, but then it hits like a ton of bricks that we actually lost our baby, and I have trouble breathing. Well Sunday was a tough day my friend Carrie, who had her baby right after Christmas, came to church. I dodged her before church, but during church I sat behind her and watched her rock her sweet baby back and forth while Larry preached. At one moment I rocked with her, but caught myself and stopped. After the service I waited until almost everyone in church had left and I felt that I'd avoided her long enough. It was time to put on my big girl pants and congratulate my friend. I picked up her new baby and began to rock back and forth. I closed my eyes and I rocked her. I imagined my Savannah, and for that moment I was with her again. Carrie left to make her a bottle, so I rocked and cried by myself. Then, I opened my eyes and I was back in church holding my friend's baby- not my Savannah. My heart hurts. A mom at CJ's school asked today "Weren't you pregnant? Where is your baby? Whew! I just smiled and let my friend explain. I have done really well, but today I couldn't talk. Monday, I had a small panic attack - I felt my chest tighten, I got cold and clammy, and I started to sweat. I couldn't get my thoughts under control, and I didn't want to embarass myself, so I gathered my children and left. I could really handle death if there was no grief. haha! I am so happy and so sad that I fell completely in love with her because she was mine for a moment and now she is in the arms of Jesus, but I am still here. What is left for me? How am I going to be the mom I was when I feel like I have failed so miserably? I loved her the moment I saw her, but actually I fell in love with her the minute I knew she was in me. Well, I started a bible study Sunday on the book of Daniel, and today I decided I am going to study about Esther. I want to drown in something right now and if it's Jesus I know I won't lose what is left of my sanity. I want to glorify Him even in my darkest moments, and right now my heart hurts so bad sometimes it takes my breath away. I believe God is taking care of me, but right now I am broken. My husband is wonderful, my parents, my brothers, my sister-in-law, and my friends are amazing, and I am lucky to have them. Aimee reminds me daily that I am not losing my mind she is my sister-in-law and best friend that lost her baby too. Now we belong to a strange "club" that no one understands we did not ask to join, but will belong to forever. We have something in common, and we can share it without making the other feel uncomfortable. I am coming to understand that I (in this life ) will never hear my daughter giggle at me when I make funny faces, she will never hold my hand to cross the street, she will never bring home a 100 on a spelling test we practiced on for 3 days, she will never go on her first date, never go to prom, never fall in love, never get married, and never make me a Grandma. Aimee is teaching me how to make a new normal, and I love her for that. She and Amanda call me everyday to make sure I am ok, I cherish them, and they are my best friends. I have fallen in love with my church again. I always knew it was my home, but the way we were taken care of during her birth and death sealed the deal. Everyone there is family I love them. Thank you for letting me share a little of my heart. Sarah

Pray Current mood: hopeful
OK so I have a prayer request! Pray for Jon and I we have started this really amazing study on Daniel. We were asked to give up something for the 6 weeks of the study. I gave up pop ALL POP! Jon has given up beef. That is what we feel like God wants us to do. Pray we learn and embrace what God wants for us in our lives. We are learning our "new normal" since we have lost our Savannah. Pray we never ever ever ever give up! I am learning to trust in God for everything, and that means I am learning to pray over everything. If you want me to pray for you let me know! It would bless my heart! We are doing well. We made it through the holidays and we are starting the new year excited about what God has in store for us


Friday, December 29, 2006
hello Current mood: numb Category: Life
I haven't found the words yet to update everyone, but I am trying.
1. We survived Christmas. It was awesome! We have great family
2. When we got the report for the Medical Examiner we found out that Savannah had a lot more problems than anyone even realized.
3. There was nothing we could have done.
4. Her shunt and PDA were in perfect condition. The surgeon had done his job, and had done it well.
5. She only had one kidney, no uterus, ovaries and we believe a neurological disorder. The "electrodes" in her brain were not able to connect to tell her to take a breath.
6. I am living hour to hour.
7. Forgive me if I seem abrasive. I don't know how to act right now.
8. Heaven seems really far away.
9. My goal is to be the best mom I can be to the children that are still here with me.
10. Please pray for us. Thank you, Sarah

Thursday, December 21, 2006
Loss Current mood: shocked
Well, we lost our Savannah early this morning. She stopped breathing and Jon did CPR until the paramedics got to our home. They continued CPR for another hour and she was never able to recover. She was just too tired. We think that she might of had a blood clot from her shunt or her heart began to spasm and she was not able to bounce back. We were so blessed to have been taken care of by such a wonderful group of doctors and nurses. Our family, friends, and church family have surrounded us with such love. I don't know why this happened and frankly I'm a little frustrated, but God is taking care of us. We will have a graveside service for her on Friday, Dec. 22, at Memorial Park Cemetery in Tulsa at 3. Then, on Saturday we will have a Memorial Service at Northside Christian Church at 11am. Thank you for everyone that has prayed for us. Please pray for us to have peace beyond all understanding. Thanks, Sarah

Sunday, December 10, 2006
WHEW! We made it!
Well, we made it through our first heart surgery! Yea! Miss Savannah has proven herself to be a very tough little girl!! She did very well! The Doctor called Jon around 10:30 last night and told us that she was doing good, and that she would be on the ventelator for 2-3 days and today he took it out because she was breathing so good on her own. Her SATS have stayed in the mid to high 80's off and on all day, which is great! (Some 70's but that is good too) God has taken such good care of us, and we have been at such a peace about everything. My heart hurts a little because we found out that she is going to need more than one open heart surgery. It hurts to think about! Well we are hoping she goes back to the NICU for her final week or so. Our prayer is that she will be home for Christmas! She will not be able to leave the house for about 6-8 weeks and will require RSV shots and a lot of other special things for her new life at home out of the hospital! Pray we keep our sanity!! It has been a little tense the last couple of days and nerves seem to be shot!! I will update more later!! YEA!! SAVANNAH!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006
D-Day Current mood: peaceful
It's time friends..... Pray for calm hands. Pray for direction. Pray for peaceful hearts. She will be ours soon ready to torment her siblings, and cause us lots of grief. We love all of you and we are thankful for all the continued prayer. Have a great day. I will update everyone soon........

Monday, December 04, 2006
How's the Girl doing?
Well it has been a little bit since the last time I have posted an update on Savannah. No surgery yet. EER! It is ok though because each day she is getting bigger and stronger. Last night she weighed in at a whopping 5lbs 11oz!! WOO HOO! She is probably going to lose a litte of that because the nurse said she is retaining some fluid because she is a heart patient. We were told that it could be this week! So exciting and so scary at the same time. It's like I told my husband it is one thing to be excited and "ready" for her surgery it is a whole other thing to actually put her in the incubator and watch her being pushed away. Right now a little sickening, but in the end all worth it. Well with the big snow, my house is totally destroyed and my dryer stopped working Saturday night! Yikes! When it rains it pours!! We are still doing good and God continues to show His love and grace every single day. Keep Banna in your prayers-Having her home for Christmas would be awesome!!

Saturday, November 25, 2006
She's growing!! YEA!! Current mood: excited Category: Blogging
Alright everybody here is some news! Savannah weighed in at 4lbs. 13.4 ounces tonight!! YEA!! We are just needing about 3 more ounces!! We are hoping everything happens within the week!! Everyone continue to keep us in your prayers! God is good! She pulled her feeding tube out herself 3 days ago and they haven't put it back in because she is eating so well by herself!! I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. I hope you ate to much and got to spend time with your family or friends! I got to spend time with family, but I always wish I can spend more time with my parents, and brothers and sister-in-law, because I am selfish!! LOL I am so blessed by my family and they don't even know it. They made me laugh and want to be there when I didn't want to get out of bed on Thanksgiving. I just wish there where more hours in the day to spend more hours laughing about things we did as kids!! I didn't get to tell them how thankful I am for them. Now they know!! I love you guys.


Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Just thinking Current mood: contemplative Category: Blogging
There are only two times in my life where I can tell you I felt like my life started. Actually, it would be 5 times. First, when I became a christian. There was no supernatural change, no glossy skew in my vision, no sunlight and roses just that I felt I was new. Then the 4 other times would be my kids. Madison humbled me: nothing but my husband and daughter mattered after she was born we had become a family. Drew came out full of vinegar, my future CEO, no gray area in any part of his life, no compromise. He will be a great leader. CJ is like plastic he's been bouncing off things since we brought him home! He'll do anything for a laugh, and most of the time is full of smiles, Savannah I don't know yet. So far she has a very sweet disposition, but I don't know if that is because her heart doesn't give her the energy to give grief yet! I can't wait for the grief. The saying is true that when you have children they become a walking example of your heart in the world. When they hurt I hurt when they cry I cry. The most helpless feeling in the world is seeing your child hooked up to every type of monitor they can hook to her, and standing, watching, helpless. I understand the saying "Let it be me." See it has crossed my mind why in the world would my God do this. I go to church, and I try hard to be the best example of Christ to my kids, but whew! this threw us for a loop. My question to my pastor was "How do I get over the fact that there was nothing that I could have done" What had I done that caused my child to come out anything but perfect? I have really struggled. I was raised in church, and I knew all the stories, and answers. There has never been a rock bottom for me- until now. So there are several things that I have learned. First, John 9 talks about the blind man who had been blind since birth, the disciples asked Jesus: Whose sins caused him to be blind from birth was it his sins or his parents? Jesus said neither, but that the works of God should be revealed in him. I choose to believe that Savannah is here so that God would be revealed through her. Second, I am learning to walk one step at a time even if I don't know if there is ground under me. I leave my child everyday trusting the Dr's and nurses caring for her are doing the very best they can. I have to. I have to trust that God is taking care of her and he knows the outcome. I still praise Him because I am His. He loves me. He loves my babies. He loves my husband and he will make us new, because He makes all things new.

Sunday, November 19, 2006
Savannah update 3 Current mood: cheerful Category: Life
Well yesterday was a rough day for "little." They have moved her to a feeding tube which I told you that in the previous blog. She is to eat from a bottle every other feeding, and then from the tube the rest of her feedings. Well at her 5 o'clock feeding (which is from the feeding tube) the nurse saw she was awake and chewing so she decided to feed her from the bottle. She ate 23cc's of milk (awesome!!) BUT it was not her meal to eat from the bottle. Miss Savannah had worn her little self out, and went into a deep sleep. Now, we are needing her sats to stay in the 80's-90's which is stable for her, but last night they dropped into the 60's. (not good) When we arrived around 9 she was in the upper 70's low 80's with a canula on her nose (provides air). A little frustrating when she has been doing so well. This morning she had a x-ray and that was normal, and tomorrow she is going to have an EEG just to make sure everything is ok. We got great news on Friday her Chromosomes came back normal so there was not abnormalities or deletions. We were looking for a particular deletion that a lot of these babies tend to have with this certain defect. That was such good news for us!! We are getting closer to when we get to bring her home!! We are praying for weight gain!! We are at 4lbs 4.7 oz. They won't even begin to talk about the heart cath and surgery until she is 5 lbs. Thank you for all the prayers!! God has been so good to us. I don't know why this has happened but I know it is for something bigger. Right now I am walking blind letting Him lead us. I choose to be a witness, and let everyone know God is good and He is bigger than anything we are facing.

Thursday, November 16, 2006
Savannah update Current mood: optimistic Category: Life
Well- yesterday was a ok day. She lost 10 grams (about 5 pennies) not much, but when your main concern is growing a baby anything other than going up in weight makes the day sort of a bust. I can't complain because everything else is great! If she didn't have this defect she would be home. I would take the non sleep with her home than the non sleep with her not home anyday! Today we got a good report but she is really sluggish when she eats. So, they have moved her to every other feeding is from a feeding tube. YIKES!! Step down a little, but we are trying to get her big. See, she is eating and gaining but because of her heart defect she doesn't have the energy to stay awake to eat. So helping her will get her to the surgery and then she will be able to eat with out getting tired. So many issues for such a little baby! I am tired, but laying in bed trying to sleep when your child is somewhere else having someone else take care of her makes me sick to my stomach, but they are providing something I can't so I can deal for as long as I need to. Thanks for all the prayers! Believe me she could be a lot worse! She has the sweetest disposition, and I can't wait for everyone to actually meet her! The kids got to see her for the 1st time yesterday!! Jon got to bring her to the window, so now Maddie believes me that we have a baby!! LOL They were very excited! We are day to day right now just trying not to lose our minds! Well I am going to clean my house, so I don't get depressed over that!! LOL

Saturday, November 11, 2006
Savannah Current mood: drained Category: Life
Well let's see this week has been a little interesting! I had a baby on Wednesday morning at 10:50am, and when she arrived she looked perfectly healthy weighing in at 4lbs 1oz small but fully developed. They took her to the nursery and then things took a turn. It started with her blood sugar being low, and then her body being to cold, and then the worst part her heart had a murmor. By 3o'clock she was being moved to another hospital. I had a baby at 10:58am and left the hospital at 7:30p.m. I wasn't staying in the hospital while my baby was in another!! They were very good about letting me go. Well we have found out that she has a heart condition called Tetralogy of Fallot. aka "TETS" or blue baby http://www.heartpoint.com/congtetralogy.html Let me tell you she is a pistol!! I love it and she is so spunky!! She is going to have to have a shunt put in her heart in the next couple of weeks, and will need heart surgery around a year old for a total repair, but we can't do the first surgery until she puts on some weight. The doctor has ordered her to be fattened up like a Christmas Ham!! haha! Then we will hopefully get to bring her home, after she is stable from the first surgery. We have been given no real timelines to go on that are concrete, and that has been hard. She gets to start eating by bottle tomorrow! How exciting! Just keep "Banna" (Savannah Brooke) in your prayers. Pray for weight gain!! What a concept we need a fatter kid?! LOL Thank you to everyone who is already praying for us ! They are so appreciated!! I know my God is bigger than this! I know that she will be home soon to join our family, and I can't wait for that precious moment. I am happy that it is not a lot worse! Jon and I are thanking God because we know that it could be!! Thanks again, and I will post updates when I can!!
Sarah

Thursday, October 26, 2006
Conspiracy Current mood: exhausted Category: Food and Restaurants
Alright, due to my insanity of being about 4 weeks away from having a baby I have began participating in the McDonald's Monopoly game. I don't really like McDonalds yet I have managed to go there more often than I would care to mention. The hilarious thing is that I truly believe I could win that 5 million dollars, and all my problems would be solved and new ones would surely arise. The conspiracy is that McDonalds gives everyone 3 out of the 4 Railroads, and now everyone is searching for that dang Short Line!! I don't care if I am 9 months pregnant I would fight my older brother for that Railroad!! LOL (because I know he is playing) Let me give you an example: I have managed to rope my normally level headed husband into the insanity! Yesterday, I call him about 5pm from our home phone and he begins the conversation with "I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU OWN A CELL PHONE WHEN YOU NEVER ANSWER IT!" (By the way he never calls me!!) A little taken a back I said "excuse me?" He asked " What Railroad do you need? I said What? He said What Railroad do you need? Not remembering I said B&O and he proceeded to go on like a 5 min rant about how he saw a B&O railroad on the counter at the Midway McDonald's and he didn't want to pick it up if I already had it, I never answer my phone, and he was almost home and how mad he was at me because he did not pick up the small little piece of sticky paper on the counter at the Midway McDonalds. Soooo, what is my first instinct? I start laughing!! I said Are you kidding me? Which made him even more angry because I have now lost HIM 5 million dollars!! After he hung up on me I ran through the house and found the monopoly board only to find that I needed Short line not B&O!!! So, I ran back to the phone and called to assure my normally level headed husband that I had not lost him 5 million dollars!! See maybe my question is how was that my fault? LOL What would have been the problem for him to just pick up the little game piece and stick in his pocket? I need to have this baby or win 5 million dollars that's all I'm saying! I Hate McDonalds!! LOL


Thursday, September 28, 2006
Loss of Brain Cells Current mood: tired Category: Life
Ok, I am seven weeks away from adding the last member of our family to the house- am I scared no. (Maybe a little) I really have not had difficult pregnancies -you could almost say they were easy! This one I had so many kids I forgot most of the time! That is sad, but right now I am running like a chicken with my head cut off and chauffering kids around all over the place and we haven't started sports yet! I am having terrible memory issues! I can't remember what I wore yesterday and I am trying to not buy anymore maternity clothes because this is my last pregnancy and I don't want to buy a whole new wardrobe!!! I want to wear capri's until Thanksgiving!! It is starting to turn chilly and I am getting irritated that I might have to wear shoes that tie!! LOL I am just ready to have my sweet baby at home, get life organized and lose all this baby weight! I am sad to say that it has never come off after any of my other pregnancies but for some reason I feel different. It's gonna come off this time and I will be thin again!! haha I really have a good circle of friends right now. The kind that will cheer you on when you need cheerleaders. Also the kind that will uplift you instead of trashing you behind your back. I am so tired of feeling like crap no matter what size I am. Most of the time I think I am a good mom. Now I am just learning to be a good friend without people thinking I try to hard! I try to hard because I care. I hate drama and I am surrounding myself with people who don't thrive off it. It is so old. It gives me a headache and I am avoiding it at all costs. I love Thursdays! It makes me feel good knowing it comes after Wednesday, and I don't have to tell you why because if you are reading this your probably know!! LOL I am totally random and it is late, and I just wanted to free write.


Sunday, May 21, 2006
Questions? Current mood: contemplative
It took me a long time to realize that all I might ever be is a mom. Is that ok? When I was in high school I had big plans- big, BIG plans! I was going to be famous! Sing somewhere, or teach I didn't know. Then, Jon came and my life changed. I wanted to be with him every waking moment! College plans sort of hit the back burner soon after the wedding when we found out we brought a package home from our honeymoon. I had Maddie nine months later and life changed, my heart changed, and every way I approached life changed. I wanted to be more for her, and something bigger other than my pant size. See I have sort of lived my life in a state of fear since I began having children. Are they fed? How many times have I hugged them today? How many times did I say I love you? How many hours of therapy have I added to their lives just today? Are they bathed? Am I raising serial killers? You know I watch my boys sometimes and pray to God I will not be on Dr. Phil in ten or so years and have to hear him say my boys have 7 out of the 10 traits for being serial killers! Because at one point or another as a parent you've wondered if you are raising them right. It is sad because friends are not a priority right now because in my mind it could take away how well I take care of my kids. I have turned so many people off because having friends is just not that big a deal to me. I am not on some rant about how women should stay home with their kids, because it's their duty. You know I can't tell you how many knock down drag outs that I have had with my husband about going back to school, and finishing college. See because I laugh and call Jon (my husband) the great big book of everything because he knows more than any human should know about anything. I joke with him because when I met him I used to think he was so confident, and now I just think he is arrogant! He is the best person I know, and a lot of people depend on him. It is hard when people need him and I am called to make sure it is ok he is gone for the evening to help someone. Sometimes I want to be needed other than making sure childcare is handled. He is the guy that always has his phone on because he is afraid someone will need him. That in itself is sexy and completely annoying at the same time. If you knew me in high school the one thing you knew was I enjoyed the spotlight. Oh,I still do, but not in the same sort of obnoxious way. I like being told I am a good mom, my kids are beautiful, and my husband is great. I am learning my life is successful in other ways. I am still smart even though the majority of my life is spent talking to children under the age of six. I still sing at church, and I am still oppinionated over things that I need to be oppinionated about. But is that enough? Is being in the PTA, continuous chauffer, and constant cheerleader for my family enough? Are we supposed to be more?


Sunday, February 12, 2006
Stories of Parenthood Current mood: In a Writer's mood Category: In a Writer's mood Life
Ok, here it goes I start my first blog today and I am going to write about my kids because right now they are my everything. Oh I fully plan to write about my husband too. Today I will begin my talk about my 4yr old Drew.
Jon and I are on the South Beach Diet and so our goal has been to eat as little carbs as possible, it is purely miserable the 1st 3 days but highly satisfying since Jon has lost 24 lbs and I have lost 15. We both have some more chub to lose, but for pete's sake that is a lot and three kids has left me a little less than supermodel quality! ( not that I was before) Anyway, back to the story, we had taken the kid's to Texas Roadhouse (steaks of course) and had a pretty uneventful dinner with 3 kids under the age of 6. That is a miracle! We are leaving the restaraunt and walking out to get in the car and Drew had a hold of himself. The question was asked- Drew do you need to go potty? answer no . I let him walk some more and God love him he had a hold of that thing like if he let it go it would fall off!! I said DREW! do you need to go potty? answer no. I then said, Son, what is the problem? Let go of your Wootus (yes, we call it a wootus). And the greatest answer ever!!! is MOM I'm sweatin!! Now guys come on! That is crazy he's four! I laughed so hard I almost cried. I just didn't know that stuff started until they were old enough to be more gross and teenagery !! Is that a word?